He Is 19 Years Older Than Me, But I Don't Care!I am in the most agonizing pain of my life. Now before you jump to any knee-jerk judgments please hear me out. After almost 10 years of marriage to a person that was a good man but a terrible husband, I had a nervous breakdown. We suffered a personal tragedy in our family when one of our children was a victim of a violent crime. I had been the glue that held our marriage together but in the face of the tragedy I really needed my husband to be "my husband". Long story short something just snapped in me and I checked into a mental institution due to the rejection and loneliness I felt. he didn't even know where I was and when i got home and told him how hopeless his rejection made me feel he said to me, "You shouldn't need me that much, you've got Jesus". It was not a conscious decision that I made, but somewhere in my heart I divorced him that day. It had gotten to the point where the relationship was detrimental to my very survival.
In the months that followed I tried to "save us". I suggested counseling, dates and other measures but was rejected on every hand. He didn't really think it was that serious, reason being that we are both devout Christian ministers with a spotless record of integrity and a beautiful family that was admired by all. As he rejected my attempts to salvage the marriage, I grew more distant until one day 'he" showed up.
"He" was another Christian brother that had come to share a business opportunity with us. I didn't think much of him at first but then there was something in his spirit that was drawing me. I can remember the very first time he was at my home that I wanted to speak with him alone. I was not attracted to him, I don't know what I wanted to talk with him about but there was just an intense longing to say something. I was 34, I thought he was a single 32 year old man. I got the shock of my life when I found out that he was 53 and married for 29 years!
Anyway I decided to join the business opp. My husband was not terribly interested but the product was amazing. This of course lent itself to the necessity of spending time with "him". We didn't speak much and there was not much interaction at all. 4 days after I joined the business my husband, and I and our children went to church with "him" and his wife. This was the first time that we all met. that night the preacher was making an illustration and put people by groups on one of the 4 walls of the church by birthday. "He" and I ended up on the same wall. I can remember looking in his eyes and again that deep longing to talk with him alone. I just felt like he could help me, save me... I don't know what but I just needed to talk to him. As I left the church that night, i ran him down and said to him, "you know we have fallen in love with you guys". I couldn't believe it came out of my mouth and he too looked shock. We all didn't even know each other and there was no "we", the truth was that my spirit was in love with his spirit and I had no idea why.
Things progressed along rather quickly after that night. I was soon to find out that his marriage was in a horrible state and that he had been on the verge of divorce for the past 5 years and was just hanging on by a thread. I ignored my feelings and shrugged it off and made a valiant effort to help him and his wife with counseling sessions (this was my particular specialty in ministry, believe it or not!) The counseling only made the connection that much stronger or more obvious. The wife could feel something even though no inappropriate action, word or thought had ever been exchanged. There was an undeniable energy there and she wanted me out of their lives. She began to humiliate him in front of me I guess in an attempt to make him unattractive to me but as you may have guessed this really began to push us closer because since I was in a counseling position with them he would come to me for healing after these brutal humiliation sessions by his wife.
Long story short I eventually was so overwhelmed with feelings for him that I told him I could not work with him anymore and told my husband as well what I was feeling for the man. Both he and my husband assured me that all would be well and encouraged that I continue to work the business and just pray through my feelings. But they were both wrong, by January we were both head over heels in love with each other and it was undeniable and could not be hidden. We had never been physically intimate, it was a heart and soul connection that seemed unbreakable no matter how much we tried to get away from each other. Several times we caused an uproar in our homes because we stayed out until the wee hours of the morning. We never touched each other, we would just sit and talk for hours and never want to leave. Later, my husband kicked me out of the house and told "him" that he could have me and that is when we finally broke and crossed the line to physical intimacy.
Well, it has been about a year now and I divorced my husband. He wanted to work through it but I wanted to leave before my soul mate came and once he showed up I just didn't think it was fair to make my husband play second fiddle in my heart. He regrets losing me after admitting that he never loved me during our entire 11 years of marriage and didn't appreciate what we had. I didn't leave him for my soul mate, it just happened that way. But of course now that I am available I want to marry my soul mate. He loves me in a way that I only dreamed I would ever be loved. He will sit and listen to me talk for hours on end, knows all my favorite foods, texts me and calls me all day long, sleeps on the phone with me when we are apart... he takes care of my needs, speaks life into my soul, provides for me financially, never lets me cook or pump gas, he just spoils me. And well, the way I treat him is just short of worship, lol. And I am ashamed to admit, but our sex life is amazing and we have no restraint around each other. Funny thing about it is he didn't even enjoy having sex before me and now he cant get enough of it, but it is only because of the deep connection and love that we share.
We have tried so many times to end our affair but we have both been consumed with agony and have just given up on the idea of separating. But he is still married! He said he wants to divorce his wife and I believe him. He doesn't lie to me. That is part of the strength of our relationship is that he knows he doesn't have to lie to me. But he is concerned about his wife's emotional condition and their finances if he files for divorce so he keeps telling me to be patient. It has only been 6 months since my divorce and I do believe him. However, I am torn as a woman of God about this. I recently moved to another state just to keep space between us so the sex would stop. I want to be right before God. I know he needs time to end a 30 year marriage but I know that even without the sex just because we are so in love it is adultery none the less. I don't want to stay here for another year. I am going crazy. The level of stress I am under feels like it is going to kill me. I miss him so much I can't stand it and I am tempted to go home but don't trust us together. But then too moving has separated me from my children who remained with their father after the divorce so this separation can't go on much longer, it's not fair to my kids. however if I am not right before God I am not good to anyone!
I just feel so lost. I know that I don't want to be with any other man. I have been counseling couples and relationship for the past 12 years. The love that we share people only dream about. Walking away is not an option but staying seems to be less of an option as time goes on. Will he really get the courage to divorce? How long should I wait? How will I heal if I have to end my relationship with him? I know this is long, thanks for reading it. Sigh...
Tortured in NY
PS This is basically an open affair. All of the people closest to us know about it including his wife. He has never confessed to her how deeply he loves me but he has told her that we had sex. She does not want to divorce him. Just FYI