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He Is 19 Years Older Than Me, But I Don't Care!

I am in the most agonizing pain of my life. Now before you jump to any knee-jerk judgments please hear me out. After almost 10 years of marriage to a person that was a good man but a terrible husband, I had a nervous breakdown. We suffered a personal tragedy in our family when one of our children was a victim of a violent crime. I had been the glue that held our marriage together but in the face of the tragedy I really needed my husband to be "my husband". Long story short something just snapped in me and I checked into a mental institution due to the rejection and loneliness I felt. he didn't even know where I was and when i got home and told him how hopeless his rejection made me feel he said to me, "You shouldn't need me that much, you've got Jesus". It was not a conscious decision that I made, but somewhere in my heart I divorced him that day. It had gotten to the point where the relationship was detrimental to my very survival.

In the months that followed I tried to "save us". I suggested counseling, dates and other measures but was rejected on every hand. He didn't really think it was that serious, reason being that we are both devout Christian ministers with a spotless record of integrity and a beautiful family that was admired by all. As he rejected my attempts to salvage the marriage, I grew more distant until one day 'he" showed up.

"He" was another Christian brother that had come to share a business opportunity with us. I didn't think much of him at first but then there was something in his spirit that was drawing me. I can remember the very first time he was at my home that I wanted to speak with him alone. I was not attracted to him, I don't know what I wanted to talk with him about but there was just an intense longing to say something. I was 34, I thought he was a single 32 year old man. I got the shock of my life when I found out that he was 53 and married for 29 years!

Anyway I decided to join the business opp. My husband was not terribly interested but the product was amazing. This of course lent itself to the necessity of spending time with "him". We didn't speak much and there was not much interaction at all. 4 days after I joined the business my husband, and I and our children went to church with "him" and his wife. This was the first time that we all met. that night the preacher was making an illustration and put people by groups on one of the 4 walls of the church by birthday. "He" and I ended up on the same wall. I can remember looking in his eyes and again that deep longing to talk with him alone. I just felt like he could help me, save me... I don't know what but I just needed to talk to him. As I left the church that night, i ran him down and said to him, "you know we have fallen in love with you guys". I couldn't believe it came out of my mouth and he too looked shock. We all didn't even know each other and there was no "we", the truth was that my spirit was in love with his spirit and I had no idea why.

Things progressed along rather quickly after that night. I was soon to find out that his marriage was in a horrible state and that he had been on the verge of divorce for the past 5 years and was just hanging on by a thread. I ignored my feelings and shrugged it off and made a valiant effort to help him and his wife with counseling sessions (this was my particular specialty in ministry, believe it or not!) The counseling only made the connection that much stronger or more obvious. The wife could feel something even though no inappropriate action, word or thought had ever been exchanged. There was an undeniable energy there and she wanted me out of their lives. She began to humiliate him in front of me I guess in an attempt to make him unattractive to me but as you may have guessed this really began to push us closer because since I was in a counseling position with them he would come to me for healing after these brutal humiliation sessions by his wife.

Long story short I eventually was so overwhelmed with feelings for him that I told him I could not work with him anymore and told my husband as well what I was feeling for the man. Both he and my husband assured me that all would be well and encouraged that I continue to work the business and just pray through my feelings. But they were both wrong, by January we were both head over heels in love with each other and it was undeniable and could not be hidden. We had never been physically intimate, it was a heart and soul connection that seemed unbreakable no matter how much we tried to get away from each other. Several times we caused an uproar in our homes because we stayed out until the wee hours of the morning. We never touched each other, we would just sit and talk for hours and never want to leave. Later, my husband kicked me out of the house and told "him" that he could have me and that is when we finally broke and crossed the line to physical intimacy.

Well, it has been about a year now and I divorced my husband. He wanted to work through it but I wanted to leave before my soul mate came and once he showed up I just didn't think it was fair to make my husband play second fiddle in my heart. He regrets losing me after admitting that he never loved me during our entire 11 years of marriage and didn't appreciate what we had. I didn't leave him for my soul mate, it just happened that way. But of course now that I am available I want to marry my soul mate. He loves me in a way that I only dreamed I would ever be loved. He will sit and listen to me talk for hours on end, knows all my favorite foods, texts me and calls me all day long, sleeps on the phone with me when we are apart... he takes care of my needs, speaks life into my soul, provides for me financially, never lets me cook or pump gas, he just spoils me. And well, the way I treat him is just short of worship, lol. And I am ashamed to admit, but our sex life is amazing and we have no restraint around each other. Funny thing about it is he didn't even enjoy having sex before me and now he cant get enough of it, but it is only because of the deep connection and love that we share.

We have tried so many times to end our affair but we have both been consumed with agony and have just given up on the idea of separating. But he is still married! He said he wants to divorce his wife and I believe him. He doesn't lie to me. That is part of the strength of our relationship is that he knows he doesn't have to lie to me. But he is concerned about his wife's emotional condition and their finances if he files for divorce so he keeps telling me to be patient. It has only been 6 months since my divorce and I do believe him. However, I am torn as a woman of God about this. I recently moved to another state just to keep space between us so the sex would stop. I want to be right before God. I know he needs time to end a 30 year marriage but I know that even without the sex just because we are so in love it is adultery none the less. I don't want to stay here for another year. I am going crazy. The level of stress I am under feels like it is going to kill me. I miss him so much I can't stand it and I am tempted to go home but don't trust us together. But then too moving has separated me from my children who remained with their father after the divorce so this separation can't go on much longer, it's not fair to my kids. however if I am not right before God I am not good to anyone!

I just feel so lost. I know that I don't want to be with any other man. I have been counseling couples and relationship for the past 12 years. The love that we share people only dream about. Walking away is not an option but staying seems to be less of an option as time goes on. Will he really get the courage to divorce? How long should I wait? How will I heal if I have to end my relationship with him? I know this is long, thanks for reading it. Sigh...

Tortured in NY

PS This is basically an open affair. All of the people closest to us know about it including his wife. He has never confessed to her how deeply he loves me but he has told her that we had sex. She does not want to divorce him. Just FYI
essenceoflaneen essenceoflaneen 31-35 9 Responses Dec 31, 2010

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I wish you both the happiness and love that you deserve all these years. I would love to hear the good news soon!

Update:<br />
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I was by no means trying to justify the wrongness of adultery. My only intent was and is to validate the rightness of TRUE love. If false love had to die for true love to live, then that is a charge against my account I will gladly bare. Like they say in the world of finance: there is good debt and bad debt, useless debt and worthy debt. The same is true for pain: there is useless pain and productive pain. This pain that was caused by our affair was productive and I do expect "lovingly ever after" with him.<br />
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As for now, our relationship is stronger than ever. The divorce is still not finalized. He moved closer to me. We only live 8 minutes apart now. It used to be almost an hour. That has been wonderful. I can do things that I never could before, like have early breakfast with him or if I miss him in the middle of the night he can be over in just minutes to hold me. It amazes me how beautifully we get along. The harmony between us is incredible. We can sit in a room together doing two different activities and still feel as if we are doing it as one. To lay there next him reading a book, or just doing nothing at all is like lying in a field of fragrant wild flowers looking up a blue sky full of butterflies and decorated with a rainbow. I mean that it is simply wonderful!<br />
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The divorce is still not final. It has been a long road but I love this man like I never knew love existed and I know he feels the same way for me. I am very excited about being able to marry him. My only concern now is his wife's reaction and whether or not she is going to continue to fight him and make the process drag out. But I don't care, now that I can finally see an end in sight, I don't care if it takes years more, I will wait expectantly for the day I am his wife.<br />
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To experience love like this is more rare than winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning twice. Everyone told me I was a fool and that he would never divorce. But I knew this was more real than anything most people will ever experience. I had to block them all out and go with my heart. We have an amazing relationship; our love life and our friendship is beyond incredible. I am just glad I waited and glad love gave him the courage to end his 30 year prison sentence. I hope the best for his soon to be ex-wife, I pray that she will be found by a man that will love her the way my soon to be husband loves me.<br />
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This is my update. I will post again when there is more to tell.

Wow. That's deep but if the connection is there, then so be it. God is stronger than the both of you. If He wants the two of you to be together then it will be. If not, then it won't. Either way, you needed to be out of the marriage you were in. You only have one life to live. You should be able to enjoy it.

So very very sad. I'm not religous at all, barely even spiritual...but I AM a woman in your soul mates position (somewhat)... so I will pray for you. And I barely even pray for the 3 of us involved in my own disastrous triangle. This man IS your twin soulmate. I recognized it because of how I felt meeting my beloved and thats how we are together only we havent had sex yet either. I want to leave my husband to be with him, to gamble on us being together. I probably will, I'm breaking my husband slowly... it's the cruelest thing I've ever done and most days my amount of selfloathing surprises me. No one can hate me more than I hate myself. I WILL do right by my soulmate, but after 9 years with my husband our lives are so tightly woven its hard to rip free. Also, and most importantly he didn't really do anything wrong...nothing changed except that I met my soulmate and his gravitational pull took me hostage. This man loves you, rest assured. He needs courage to uproot his whole life. People are afraid of change, I know I am.

I called him and wrote him and told him that I released him. I love him enough to let him go. His love got me through I really tough season that otherwise would have killed me. I am strong enough to stand now and therefore I let him Go. I want him to be sure in his heart that he is leaving his wife because his marriage is over and not just because he opted for an exchange. I think he and I both know that I didn't end his marriage anymore than he ended mine but it is right for us to separate so that all things be done in order. the separation has been painful but I have been here 3 weeks now. They say it takes 21 days to create a new habit and it does seem that I am finally starting to exhale a little bit again. I am laughing a little bit harder and crying less these days. I am going to be OK. If he comes back for me I am blessed. If he chooses tradition, I am still blessed for having had the experience. If I have to give my heart to another man one day, I will never be deceived again about what love looks and feels like because I have experienced it as it should be, and that is a gift that I treasure. <br />
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Thank you for your comment. I will update you all in the future when there is some sort of end to this story. For now it's a season cliffhanger, lol.

Thanks Olivia, I know you can't give me a solution only insight and i appreciate it. I was not trying to "prove" anything with my comment, just straighten out some of the details.<br />
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To mary24, I think it amusing how people judge and then make themselves feel better by using the words I'm not judging you, lol. People always tickle me with this love/hate relationship t hat they have with judgement - love to do it, hate to own up to is. But I appreciate your comment nonetheless.<br />
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Approval? If I were looking for approving I would have given all the gory details about his wife and my ex-husband, plus I would have shared all the bells and whistles about the counseling that he and I had gone to together and been told by professionals on numerous occasions that after being around us for just an hour said they had never seen two people as connected as we are and that it would be "very hard" for us to live without each other.<br />
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I didn't bring those things up because I don't need anyone's approval since it wouldn't appease my conscious because I DON'T APPROVE. And even if I was delusional enough to approve, God doesn't approve. That is why I separated myself from him so that there would be no more sexual contact between us. For many months I deluded myself, coming up with all kinds of false justificaions for continuing to have sex with him because i thought I needed it to hold on to him. I was so emotionally sick at that time that I didn't care. But after months of healing if I continue on in this it is with my eyes wide open and just a deliberate rebellion against what I know is right and righteous.<br />
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I think I really just wrote because I wanted other people's insights and viewpoint, I wanted advice on how to handle the pain that t he separation has caused me, ideas about how to bring closure and more than anything just to share with others that hopefully have experienced the same thing and can tell me how it is going for them and maybe give me some direction toward an end. i have panic attacks because of this, I want out, I just feel stuck. More than anything I want to be unstuck and I want to have a resolute goal to focus on when I go home so that I will not give into my emotions and my passions as before. I have to know what I am moving toward, that is what I was hoping for... but I did enjoy reading your judgement.

Polonius from William Shakespeare:<br />
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This above all: to thine own self be true,<br />
And it must follow, as the night the day,<br />
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

thank you for your comment. Let me just clear a few things up. This is a very complex situation and it would have taken 300 pages to really explain the depth of it so I tried to be succinct about it.<br />
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Professionally: I should not use the term counselor because i am not certified, but for lack of a better term I use this word because it is complicated to describe what I do. I advise people as an extension of my ministry since I have written several books about sexual addictions. I deal specifically with sex and relationship issues ba<x>sed on biblical knowledge and experience. By virtue of which I understand lust with a depth that most people never will so I knew that this relationship never was and never will be about lust.<br />
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Personally: As a wife i was unloved and neglected for 11 years. My husband suffered from deep emotional scarring due to childhood abuse and he just refused to get help. We only knew each other for 5 weeks before we married and that was a bad idea. We had a great friendship but a marriage is not something that we ever really shared, we were just ministry partners and parents.<br />
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Our child was not killed. One of our boys was raped. It devastated us but more than anything just revealed or made me confront issues that I had whitewashed over for years, like the fact that I was so emotionally isolated in the marriage that i hid in the utility closet to cry about the rape so my husband wouldn't see me because he thought I was a weak christian when I cried. the emotional abuse did not start with the tragedy, it just became unbearable. I couldn't pretend anymore. I was going to leave him anyway and I am glad that we are not married anymore but we have a great friendship and he does miss me now that i'm gone. I don't miss him as a husband though.<br />
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My children stayed with him because he was a stay at home dad. it would have been disruptive to take them out the home or make dad leave because he handled the daily care of them, not me. and staying in a bad marriage for "the sake of the children" is a something that I have always stood against. They suffer in the end no matter what and no wholeness comes to anyone. they are doing well.<br />
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As a christian: we are imperfect. my christanity gave me the strength to work on a solution and I am thankful for that. Loving God doesn't keep you from falling, but it does keep you from staying down.<br />
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heartbroken: I am actually over the pain of the rape, coming to grips with 11 years of emotional neglect was much harder to deal with but since my husband confessed and apologized I have been able to move on from that part of my pain. My heartbreak now is the fear that i will never experience marriage the way it was meant to be for the sake of restoration but I am not bitter or mad at anyone. My child that was raped is doing very well and is still in counseling. My heartbreak made me vulnerable but it certainly didn't create the connection the drew me to a complete stranger.<br />
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Mentally: vulnerable? no argument there. My mind is all over the place, a slave to my emotions right now. I am very unstable and concerned about myself in this sense. But being vulnerable didn't create what exists between me and him. I was not physically attracted to him when I began counseling his wife. I was just drawn to him and I had no idea why but it was not sexual until it became sexual if you know what i mean. <br />
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Did we erase each other's pain? of course! Is that not part of what love does? Isnt that why a baby's touch makes you feel better or a mother's kiss can stop the throbbing in a scraped knee? Of course love makes pain go away and if that doesn't exist in a marriage it is in trouble by default. That fact that our love stopped our pain is all the more reason to be together. Lust never makes pain stop, it only makes you more empty. Love has a very different effect.

I am a psychology student and the story you have shared is multidimensional ba<x>sed on these factors:<br />
Please remember I am not judging you, I'm just making an observation.<br />
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Professionally: You are a counselor <br />
Personally: You are a wife and a mother<br />
Spiritually: You are a Christian <br />
Physically: You are broken-hearted<br />
Mentally: You are vulnerable<br />
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Age has nothing to do with the mentality or maturity of an individual because we are all different in that area of development.. Professionally speaking you are a counselor and you knew in the beginning it would be a major conflict of interest to counsel someone you had a physical attraction to and you should never have taken that position no matter what anyone says.<br />
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Personally, as a mother with children I would put their feelings first and foremost. You mentioned you suffered the loss of your child and I am truly truly sorry for that. But think of your other children and how much hurt and pain they are experiencing in the lost of a sibling and now the instability in their home. For that I don't think you exercised very good judgement. As a wife I would have put my cards on the table with my significant other and came to the agreement that the marriage could not sustain the chain of events taking place. However, a person knows when it's truly over. But can it be salvaged for the children's sake? <br />
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Physically you are broken hearted because of the loss of your child and you and your husband are both greiving which is understandable because everyone greives in a different way. We always lash out to those closest to us when we are in pain and you and your husband were doing this to each other without realizing it. You're both hurting.<br />
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Spritually you are a Christian. A Christian always asks "What would Jesus do?". You already have the answer to the situation you have described. Also the flesh is weak.<br />
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Mentally you are vulnerable and don't know what you're doing because you are in so much pain and at this time your heart and mind are in a reactionary mode and you are searching for a form of peace. Something to make everything better, or should I say someone...such as "he". He feels like he is erasing all the pain you are experiencing but it seems to me this may be a temporary fix for both of you. You are both in unhappy relationships and find happiness in one another. This sounds like a "rebound". Once you have totally recovered from the hurt and pain, this temporary relief will eventually be identified as "lust". <br />
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My EP friend I wish you nothing but the best and I truly truly hope everything works out for you. Again I am so so sorry for your loss. Please be there for your children no matter what. Maybe it was the pain your husband experienced with the loss of your daughter and then losing you, that he now realizes how much he loves you from the bottom of his heart. Please be careful in this situation and I hope to hear from you again. Good luck.