Growing Up Will Be Better For My Precious Little Boy

Growing up was pretty stressful for me. I always felt I was in the way, or that I was an inconvenience.

My main memories of childhood are those of my parents fighting, of me copping a hiding, or being yelled at.

I can never remember my father hugging me, or telling me I was loved. In fact it was pretty obvious that he was very uncomfortable around his own children. From day one, we seemed to be at loggerheads. I could never share my problems with him, or talk about what was going on in my life. The older I got, the worse it got, he almost seemed to be jealous of me, there was always some form of competition, or a means to which he could try and drag me down to his level.

Now that my dad is now a grandfather, he has the same issues. The day my son was born he couldn`t even bring himself to give his grandchild a kiss. Instead he shook his grandsons hand when he was only a few hours old and told me that was the manly thing to do. I know he`s happy to have a grandchild, but it would be lovely if he could make more of an effort to see him, and for goodness sakes! A kiss, or a hug from his grandfather won`t traumatise the kid for life. I almost suspect that my dad may have been a victim of some sort of sexual abuse, as there is always a wall up when it comes to affection. But I know I`ll never get to the bottom of his issues, and do the best I can to accept who he is.

My mother was also a distant person who abused alcohol, and I am sure suffered stress/mental health issues. There was little in the way of affection, and from an early age she placed high expectations on me. As it became obvious that I wasn`t ever going to be the smartest, most popular, athletic or artistic of children I got increasingly shunned aside.

As an adult she made her dissapointment in me even more obvious. Nothing I ever did was good enough. On the few occasions that I did tell her of things I`d done that I was proud of, her response was generally ``I don`t care`` or ``So what! I`ve done better``. Then I started having some mental health issues, and had a little legal trouble. For the last 10 years of her life I was a non-entity in her eyes.

Now I`m a dad! And as I look back on the way I was bought up I am infuriated. I try so very hard not to let anger overwhelm me, but its there. Why on earth did they have me? Was I just a consequence of marriage in the mid 1960`s? Or was parenthood an expectation forced upon them?

My beautiful son is my whole life. I live to see him laugh, smile, learn, grow and enjoy the adventure of every new day. I smother him in kisses, play silly games, cuddle him non-stop and pride myself on doing something special with him each and everyday.

The only expectations I have for my son are for him to do what makes him happy, and to follow his own path. I couldn`t care less what career he gets into, just so long as what he does makes him happy. If he`s not the most popular kid, or a great sportsman, or he`s not genius, so what! He will still be my son, and I will love him to death through everything.

If he makes mistakes, finds himself in trouble, can`t cope or needs support in anyway. I will always be available, and again, I will offer all the love I can.

I know I spoil him rotten, and maybe I do try to overcompensate for my own childhood. But, I honestly believe you can`t give your own children enough love. How we treat them now, surely goes a long way towards them finding future happiness and living positive lives in adulthood.

musicmad musicmad
41-45, M
1 Response Mar 15, 2009

That's awesome! Just goes to show that we can choose to be different than our parents. I always knew I'd remember and learn from their mistakes. Though I know I'll make my own, I'll try very hard to be the best I can!