A Road Less Traveled Starting With Closing The Door.

I live, like many, with both a dark and bright side.  The darker side for me is becoming brighter and so by default the brighter side becomes brighter. Not enlightenment but enlightning enough to know a process has begun.

When I closed the door behind me I was just turning 15 and had been kicked out of home. Mum died when I was 13 and after a few disastrous relationships post this, my Dad finally nailed the one he had attracted to suit his nature - a ***** from hell.

As a young lad I was full of confidence and being kicked out of home had a rebel kind of feel to it and I truly felt the victim; it was comfortable to feel this as I thought now for sure I could get away with anything I wanted.  The previous years at home were indeed worthy of victim status, because the only victims in life are children and from the warmth of an open fire at age 5 I felt safe, safe to be cared for, I was you could say, in a normal home.

The night this all came crashing down took nearly 38 years to re-visit, to un-pick the traces and footsteps taken since and to come to understand that in one foul moment and the ones following, my teens and married and working life were all going to be affected. All relationships would suffer but the worst of all was with the one I had with myself.

I learned Karate, Tae Kwon Do, boxing It was like a forrest gump type search for survival and meaning but every turn I took was wrong or so it seemed.

I'm 44 now and the road behind has been un-recognisable at times, partly from making wrong turns but then again I never had a compass or even a map of the terrain, I took everything to mean a sign that I was on the right path because I was a victim and away from the evil, I couldn't be hurt if I stood up for myself and go my own way. The world was at my feet, life wasn't meant to be hard, nobody told me so anyway, what I had seen was a mistake, 'forget about it son' (I'd say to myself) you can do whatever you want, now that you are free.

It would be remiss of me to not include the night that changed everything, but I feel even more compelled to put it into it's correct perspective and this is not the time. This is not because of some need to be suspensful, that's for authors that need a hook. I need to be able to let things unfold. It is said that we all have a book in us but in the context of this site and all, I'd rather we take it mouthful by mouthful. Besides, 38 years must have some perspective.
jagacafad jagacafad
41-45, M
2 Responses Jul 29, 2010

we are not to make the mistake that life is to be spent finding ourselves...ours is to learn that life is to be spent creating ourselves...<br />
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someone elses words not mine<br />
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I look forward to your unfolding story...blessings

I commend you on opening your heart hear on these pages for stranges to comment on you. You sound like a well educated and well spoken man for being kicked out at 15. Most don't seem to take that situation very well and end up rebeling back with no care for their future and blame the world for their misfortunes. But, you said no one told you it was supposed to be that way. It's good to hear that you are coming into the light. I myself have picked up where I've paused, so to speek, on my path....started to lose my way....or maybe I should say, lost myself a bit. Not so completely but I've been letting the darkness that has been creeping in take too much of a hold on me and is slowly pulling me down into the thick, unbreathable darkness. And I've had enough to know that it's time to start pulling myself out of it and get myself back on track. It is a slow process but everyday, every little bit helps. Keep your eyes and ears open. And look for what light you can in everything. Good luck on your journey. Might I suggest a book. It's not very big and won't take you long to read at all but, you'll not want to put it down. It's a true story, very well writen. "Waiting For Autumn" by Scott Blum. And he also has a website he founded: www.dailyom.com Please read the book. I just finished it. And it was definately the perfect book at the perfect time. Always keep your mind open. Peace