Reasons That PlagueYou were there. I tried to speak..., to say the right things, but.....
There was a reason, I'm sure of it. A reason you came into my life. I just don't know what the reason was. I thought I knew, but you withdrew. Contact..., communication...., it all just slipped away. I sent more..., and still more...., but....., nothing but small little things returned to me. Inconsequential things. Nothing ever clear or defined. What was the reason for that ? I'm sure there was one. It was most likely me. I'm almost positive.
So a gesture to end it all, I guess. A goodbye of sorts, I guess. A so long, have a nice life, I guess.
It's all very strange to me. I have a ton of friends, that's true enough. Still..., all I ever wanted was a few words. Words you'd never say..., never feel..., never ever... So what was the reason ? I'll never know.
I wonder if you know that I still love every woman I've ever loved. Even that girl from freshman year of high-school. I know..., it sounds really weird, but it's true. It's like this curse I have upon my heart. To carry all these many loves from my life with me forever. To never be freed from them. To always drift back inside my mind and to feel them there. Lingering. There were reasons for them too.....,
The memories of those days and times with them all, when the world seemed so right. To relive the heart aches of all those endings. To feel the losses over and over again. To know, as I do, that most of them probably hate the thought of me.
It's odd...., to have this thing in my head. To become so easily attached to people like you. People so perfect in my mind. It's not like I don't know that perfection is never really attainable, but..... You were to me. It's why I came back looking. Yet, who am I, but a beleagured misfit without the proper tools to see things straight. Just a man, with a heart that divides itself before consuming itself. A man who's only true hope in this life was to find the one woman that could erase all those loves from within his mind. To be free of the love, and the hurts forever. Someone to lose himself inside of.
So many hurdles, do I place in front of me. So many thoughts scatter my senses. So many regrets. So many...., so many.... You're right to go, I know that now. Love isn't a thing I've ever done right. It's just a thing I've done, I guess.
Now I carry you too. Forever to be thought upon with smiles that slowly turn to a frown. So many frowns these days. So many..., so many.... reasons for them.
Reasons, I can't fathom. Reasons, I was never given. I wanted it to be you. I really did. But you could not give in to it. Would not ever let my thoughts touch your thoughts, and make you feel it like I felt it. I thought you might. That you wanted to. But you never really let go did you ? Never really said much of anything to me about it ? It was there though..., that pull..., did you ever feel it ? Even a little ? Or was it another Never....? So many nevers..., leading me into so many regrets.
I would have given up my world for but a single chance. An invitation was never extended. I played at being happy. Wanted you to think I was OK with everything as it was. I think that drove you further away.
Yeah, I'm messed up. Too many people. Too many reasons. All the roadways left to me lead away from you I think. Away from happiness and into a place where I can sit forever with the loves of my past. Forever with them and you. All memories of smiles turned to frowns. Sit inside the pain of rememberances. To remember, that there must have been a reason.
Sometimes, when you look at life, the reasons don't really matter...., do they ? Sometimes, it's simply the end results that matter. My ends won't be what I had hoped for. I hope yours are. All I know is I love you. But love isn't reason enough. Not when my love is a curse of a never ending fashion.
People leave your life for a reason too. God knows, I gave you reasons to go. I'm sorry for all of those.
TheHiker 41-45, M 8 Responses 10 Jul 9, 2012