I Never Knew What Friendship Meant At The Time.

I was 16 at the time, I'd gone through school sticking practically to only my best friend who I'd known since I was five, she was all I'd known really...yeah I had people I knew and sat with in classes we never shared together but either the people I was close too had dropped out of school or been suspended/excluded or they wasn't really friends...and in the end nor was she really. As soon as she started hanging out with this other girl I was left out of everything.

Of course the people who had once been my friends but left school early had warned me but by the time I really realised it I was left on my own.

I already knew that once I left school I was done with my friend...I'd go home some nights turn my music up loud and cry because I'd had another day of being ignored but I'd tell myself that I had just a few months left and all I needed was to keep writing in the notebook I was keeping as a release I guess. I think then I might have been mildly or in some form depressed...I don't use that word lightly because I don't want to offend anyone who has been seriously depressed - after all it was never an official diagnosis and I didn't need anti depressants to come out of it either but everything I have ever read about it sums up me at that time.

Before school could end - 8 weeks before to be precise I suppose you could say I had one of those "icing on the cake" moments - the final straw had been achieved. She'd left me out of the school leaving thing - should have been the biggest day of my life up to that point but I was with 8 weeks to go - alone with no one to go in a car with. I had 8 weeks to make new friends - people I'd known for 5 years but never been friends with and suddenly I had to find some in 8 weeks.

I found some - in 8 weeks and they totally included me it was great and I left my old friend behind sooner than I had planned. I was happy for the first time in months maybe years but what would happen after school - I knew it wouldn't really go beyond that infact I only talk to one of them now but I couldn't think of that in them last weeks I just had to think about the there and then moments.

I left school and it was a great day my old friend and her new chums looked ridiculous - so I was somewhat silently pleased I'd gone and found new friends.

I've shortened this a lot but what about 3 years of misery and being left out of everything does to a person is break them - I think I was broken long before I left school but it took almost a year after leaving school to become apparent.

I'd made online friends who I met up with this time I was staying with one them and we had planned to meet up with someone who the girl I was staying with knew - I don't really talk much to people I don't know anyway but looking back now I think the scars were still there from school - I saw how close they were and I hated that - as time went on this new person was doing everything with my friend and I saw the pattern coming back - I felt left out most of the time and easily got hurt by stuff they meant as jokes.

The girl we met that night was so nice to me though even though I was a nightmare - we started off on rocky ground and I know now I had built a wall so no one could break me again - she cared enough to break that wall down - it wasn't easy and took 2 years for most of it to come down then another 2 years to smooth the rough edges left behind.

We'd argue a lot during the whole process but once the majority of the wall was gone it was easier and she's built my confidence up over the years.

Sure I still make mistakes but compared to the person I was then those mistakes are tiny.

I forgave the girl from school eventually - I left school thinking friendship meant hurt and pain...I now know what a true friend does - she found me at the right time and while I'm not proud of who I was then I believe I was like that so that my best friend now could show me what friendship can be.

I don't believe I can ever do half as much for her as she did me but that won't stop me trying. True friends never give up on you - mine never did and now we are the closest and strongest we've ever been as friends.

I hope people who read this and recognise some of themselves in it see that there is hope and you can fight back and win - yes my friend gave me the tools but ultimately it was me who had to find the best way of using them - I did and I know you can too. I have even started doing stuff I never dreamed of doing - talking to people I don't know is easier, I do stuff I was scared to do before, I've opened up a lot considering how closed off I was. I am also getting better at allowing myself to do silly stuff in public - I'm still not quite there (and the reason I can't is a whole other story - I may find somewhere else for that) but everything I've achieved is all down to the work me and my best friend have put into it - for that I am forever greatful.
SimplyMiisUnderstood SimplyMiisUnderstood
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 10, 2012

This is lovely! Thank you for sharing!

All the very best to you.