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God Is The Only Judge

I don't judge non-believing people and I don't judge God's people either, that is strictly up to God. I am not much of a political person either, so fighting over a question like that which has been around since the dawn of time isn't one of my choices either. I've struggled because of the choices I’ve made and they are still with me in one form or another. God has taken a lot of the issues I've had and changed me for the better, I hope and pray. It's not for me to say what is right and what is not right. My choices have to be about me and no other. If it sounds like a cop out, remember this is about my life. Each of us has to walk with God on our own and through our own personal relationship with him, decide what his path is for us. I have so many questions about everything that I just have to except through faith, God's word, and pray what he wants for me.
I had to make a choice one day to {Live as I wanted} ( a life that started with feelings when I was younger but was fulfilled when I turned 19 yrs. old and has lasted most of my life. I believed something about myself and I chose to walk away from God because it conflicted with my beliefs or in what I was feeling because of Church and God.) I am not sure I was ever really happy in my choices because I loved God and serving him. I just couldn't live my life at the time on my current moral principles. Before the following circumstances I was constantly questioning myself, my life was all over the place and I felt trapped by circumstances.
{Live as I believe}! That choice came two years ago in my apartment after losing my best friend Allan of eight years to a heart attack just before he was to leave to visit his children on the east coast for Christmas. I could have given up completely shortly after his death and listen to my depression. This could have led me down a road to a lonely death if I let it. But my mom had kept me in her prayers over the years, always hoping things would change. I finally decided I couldn't give up on my mom it would hurt her too much and I let her help me through the darkness for a while until I decided to talk to God again. It was like a horrible answer to prayers, his death. I was free and I could walk away from my old life, but its cost was full of misery and the loss of a close friend who changed my life in so many ways. My other so called friends stopped calling and gave up on me not to soon after. So I now have mostly new friends in the church I belong to. I still feel lonely though and feel I can’t express myself enough to them, like they wouldn’t understand the inner workings of my clock.
I decided to go back to church and give up those choices I made all those years ago. I went to his alter many times asking for God’s forgiveness. Even though I know God has forgiven me it still comes up around me like a bad memory. I see it in my dreams, on TV programs and also when I am surfing the internet. I fall often and hurt myself with the sins in my life. I put distances between myself and God. These choices are not his because he is still there working. It’s my shame that prevents him from protecting his creation until I give up my sins and ask for his forgiveness again. I am his creation in progress, far from perfect, but I have hope in his divine will and the path he has started me down.
It's been impossible at times for me but God is still changing me, recently God told me to pray, and have faith that he is mighty enough to hold sway over those questions I have no answers for. For those choices that still haunt me and make me feel a little distant from God. He also promised me a work that will be different from anything I ever expected. Maybe this writing is part of that, I know it help me to write down the words, even if I am the only one who reads them.
vernon051 vernon051 51-55, M Jan 14, 2013

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