Self Help Books

I've been working my way through the library of self help books, and the library is stacked with them. I also listen to videos on youtube.
I loved, "The Way of the Wizard" by Deepok and Steering By Starlight...hmm, think that was Martha Beck.
Right now I'm reading; Take the Step The Bride will be there by Grace Cirocco.

Just about 10 minutes ago, as I was reading it and going through her help with earlier life hurts and how they affect our lives now, I had a thought come to me. One I'd never placed before.
I was home alone a lot. Mom would go shopping and I'd be home.
I remember her coming home with this huge bushel of apples. I asked her where she got them. She told me about this big apple place in town. I remember thinking, "why can't I go?" "why can't I ever get to see these places?"
Our landlady lived next to us, so when mom went out I think she just told her I was home. Our landlady was a very nice, senior but I didn't see her when mom was gone. I don't remember her coming to check on me.
I can remember the few times mom took me in town with her. I can actually remember going into this small, side street ....I don't know what to call it, just a counter and a few tables. Mom and my Aunt had a tea. I guess I had a chocolate milk or something. We got a plate of fries to share. We were poor so things like this didn't happen. I can still remember my amazement of even just being there. Me, with the adults, in town and now I get to sit in this place...it was very surreal.

Anyways, so I was thinking how much I was left at home, often alone and realized that my relationships are the same. The men I'm with don't take me with them, they have their buddies, their cars, race track, hobbies, fishing...my last one had his ex wife and kids and spent most of his time there, this one has his buddies and it's all about the guys and what they think and their cars and bikes, the one before was fishing and his friends, staying out at parties, never a father or a husband. I didn't have a father either, he was a drunk and drank until his liver gave up on him at 49.
I didn't put two and two together of always wishing mom would take me and being left at home alone through out my childhood to now, at 46 my life is the same way.
Huh...go figure.
You know, reading all these books now and having all these 'realizations' and figuring things out...at 46, how I wish I could have figured this all out and healed myself at 20....
Yes, I'm trying to shake that feeling. Now I feel very trapped and suffocated and can't find a way out of how things are....and now I see the whole spiritual and self healing side of life.
I'm going to keep going, but I realize how I've spent so many years of my life and what I could have been doing and healed myself.

But I'll carry on and continue the self healing...still feel frustrated to figure all this stuff out in life now. How I wish I knew this stuff years ago.
MsBlueDreamer MsBlueDreamer
51-55, F
Nov 26, 2012