Time To Move On .... Can I?

Bits and pieces from my Dairy about Love I am around 31....
I am married since last 2 years
I have known the guy I married to for around 10 years

I would keep on adding bits of my love story ... love life here for you to read on......

Wed, Feb 3, 2010 at 8:36 PM

I have no idea what to do. All I want to do is to be free. I really feel trapped. No doubt he is a good guy. But may not for me. I feel sorry for him and may be will stick to him for life. But yes, I may not ... i dont know... What ever I thought and dreamt with him has changed so much - where is all that assertiveness and aggression? I dont know, I feel so bad - trapped. I live in false aggression and embedded in shell. It is so frustating Will life ever give me a second chance? I am waiting desperately for things to settle down may be more 18 months and then may be I would move on. Good I am not investing in house. I would not be able to move then, He does not believe in staying together as strangers under a roof. What alternative I have none. I can't do this to him I cant leave him when he would have nothing. I have already lost God. Ok when exactly did I loose him
  • When for the first time I prayed to Devil instead of God that he falls in love with me? When I full well knew that it is wrong.
  • Am I not human? Prone to mistake and have not I repented in my heart like hell?

Thu, Feb 4, 2010 at 9:05 PM

I have some time so I am writing all this useless things. Where was I I was feeling trapped.. I dont' know why - I know yaar... I don't like his family - never a credit but always a debit.

When I met him - I felt he was completely away from his family now i find it is not

I dont know just that - may be I expect him to be my man and not vice versa - this is one of the reason that would dissat a woman or a girl the most.

I feel so bad where is that aggression which he used to push me and kiss me - where is it now   Till the time we were in live in we had a rocking sex life - when it was a sin for me - may be that excited him - the day i felt good that i am no longer in sin and looked forward to it...it just went out of the window   Seriously - now I want to get into an affair and not tell him the details. He has cheated me very badly. though no intentionally but totally ruined my life, thoughts and faith - this life of mine and my afterlife. I have lost  everything.   Never respected my thoughts and when Rakesh was here - did he protect me - no - just take care and I also went ahead to see where he draws a line - or if it revives things between us....   no nothing - I am broken - I want another chance...   I may not forget or forgive - no I forgive him but will not be able to love him the way I did

 Fri, Feb 5, 2010 at 7:11 PM

You know today Samy Asked - Swamy said he wants to do Sex with me. He feel like it. Asked me if I feel the same - why was i so honest - i said i don't know. He then asked will i let him to do Make Love. I said yes go ahead - he said - only if I say yes and I feel like. So again we are in catch 22 state

Tue, Mar 2, 2010 at 2:13 PM

Dear Diary,

Again thanks to me being such a loner and no...I am not at fault.

Basically Swamy's sister is here and I am not liking it. It is so clumsy, so mix up... no privicy or resapect for others personal space. They are so involved in thier own life - god are they guest or host or what. They did not even ask if they should use our personal bathroom or not - that Jiju, he simply went in and started using it.

Come on we had discussed that we'll ask them to use it because of geyser - but how can someone use a bathroom without first asking?!!! I find it so amusing.

There was no mirror in the other room so even though I was in the room Didi asked Jiju to just walk in and comb his hair.

I am not used to such a mix up. And that brat - he touches each and everything. Although he has not broken anything - but he touches my things - he removed Swamy's marker from the book, touched my small iron and has a fad for phone, trashes red fish of Swamy (that I had presented him) on ground - for alok they are all so normal.

I remember I fought with my own relatives on usage of bathroom and locking my room with guests around and he is so dumb. Although he understands that I do not like this. I find myself so alienated - this does not seems to be my home. Jiju without any question took his laptop and started using it. Oh...God ask us for God sake. They are behaving as if they own the place and everything is common. I can't adjust to things like this

What pains me is Swamy being so stressed up. Thanks God He is on leave. He needs to take rest. He cannot say them no for anything. He has forgotten that he had presneted me with a camcord and I don't like to share my things. I can share my things only with Pop to an extent not others. He wants to share his fish with his nephew fine but why my things........

He was so concern about idol in house for his Didi. Did they ask about it once even - no. So why the hell was is so bothered about them

See I can't discuss this with him - he is hurt and would be hurt more.

So I have taken it all out here. So what do I do - I plan and do things as per me - If we have money, I'll get one more laptop and a camcord and I'll have one room with attached bathroom - completely mine. I'll not share it with anybody

NEVER EVER - but you know my ultimate and final house will be mine only - nobody will share it till I in any form remain. Yes....God is amazing - He has given me a right of my personal home - WOW! I am feeling so relaxed.......

Tue, Mar 30, 2010 at 12:29 PM
Night before the Last night the tenent who lived in middle floor, a man who lacks grace andis a total creep called Swamy down and for no raso pickd up a fight. Let name me him Creepy Dud... CreepyD

Hi Jaanu,

Call it sudden gyan or last nights introspective. I have got my answers from Universe. I have got the reason why things are in the way they are.

This was something I was just thinking of writing and sending it to you

I have realized many things - but for this you had to pay the cost. May be this is why they say Love hurts.

Confession time - Since a month I was thinking, you did not stand up for me. In fact you cannot stand up for me. They is nobody who would be able to protect me from this world. Last night I was proven wrong by light years. Yes, it takes me no hesitation to admit that I was a childish fool. Who did not understand the difference between grace and resolving an issue and taking up a stand. Last night, you took a stand for me. I am proud of this fact. I understood what is taking a stand is.

I am proud that you could hurt that beast. I feel so relaxed that, you would have noticed, I was not that much afraid on road. Though you drove very well. But I was not that terrified as I used to be. Last night ... the more I think about it seems as a sign from God.

I am not exaggerating. It was crucial. If you would have marked, I had a fiery temper and I take to fight so easily - what was I? Dharam showed me a mirror. I could manage till date because I was always in control and you were there. But instinct - God would I like to be a person like him..... No way that was I was - can't promise that I have changed over night but I would rather be like you than to be like what I am today.

The more I think about it, more relaxed I feel and at the same time lump on my throat grows. I did not realize I was living with a saint. I did it when I met you then I lost you sight....

I won't say I am sorry - I have realized it in time -... before it was too late...God what was I thinking....Leaving you for mortal things, and not seeing the real bigger picture. I am proud that you stood to your ground, still prouder that you hurt him and simply awed by the fact even after all this, very gracefully you said, we would move to other house. I could not see who you were. Now I know, that dream suddenly got so clear.... you are the one my great grandfather showed me. He was a pir (balasore) and I next day there was a proposal

Ha...you broke my chain of thoughts.....

Truth is I have realized that I am not even feeling revengeful. I am seeing them from 20,000 ft. All these feel so small. A very valuable lesson learnt. Yes, from last night's episode, I realized I have fallen into admiring you and loving you once again with a freshness. I realized who you are and your strengths. I was too weak and was willing to let you go. Now in life, I would fight for you. I will not let go of you, even if you want so easily. I'll fight tooth and nail for you.

I can't explain the reason why you have to face these things...just know, it is for me......I don't know why fate, God has a definite plan for me. It is a long theory. Will discuss it in our new house. I have a lot to say to you. But to sum up, I am ashamed of what I was - or am...but will change for better (this is the divine plan too), I just saw you in shallow waters, never realized that you can hide an iceberg, I am grateful that you are there with me - (note it is grateful and not thankful) I would have failed in life so miserably. And last but not the least, I love you but may be today and from you I admire you more than I love you. You have once again become a guru in my life.

Lead on, I'll try to follow the path ....

StoreeTeller StoreeTeller
Aug 7, 2010