I Push People Away Because I'm Afraid of Exposing My Flaws Which Are Huge

I appear to be invincible simply because my insecurities make me. I always make it seem like i have lots of other friends when i get close to a person, and because they think they are a small part of my life, they hold back. i dont know how to say it's true and i don't know if i have any real friends. my life is a lie. i need someone to love me for who i am and all my flaws.. i'm pathetic.. i have a **** relationship with my parents and a borderline eating disorder.. i appear to be amazing from the outside. im going to an ivy league university, am active in music and sports and have an interesting social life.. but.. i feel so alone. this facade is eating me up inside. i intimidate people for what i am, my accomplishments.. and i.. i don't belong anywhere because everyone thinks i belong to someone else because i give off that impression. i need. love.. unconditional love.
aloneandintimidating aloneandintimidating
18-21, F
7 Responses Aug 13, 2007

All these feelings are based on fear, most probable of non acceptance but each must look to themselves to find out exactly. Only when we determine what the source of our fear is can we then deal with it. There was a time I did'nt even answer the phone because I was afraid of what people on the other end might say and doing this I pushed all good things and people from me.<br />
<br />
It took one person that had what I call "the Key" to help me see myself through her eyes. I dumped alot of the garbage I hade gathered through life on her and she took it all. Then she started filling me back up with love and helped me become the person I am today, a loving, caring, beautiful person. LOL and yes I can answer the phone now.<br />
<br />
I hope you too can find someone like this as we are all beautiful people with alot to give. Especially people like us that shut ourselves away from the world, I think, have even more than others to give cuz look at how long we been saving it up!

EPerica has it, let random bits of yourself slip into conversation, let them know more then they asked. I share random pieces of myself, like my sleeping disorders and my honest loyalty and distance from my family. By doing this I can only hope it makes me a more accessible person in person, we warm more to people who have small honest flaws. <br />
Still, I have the same problem as you with people I’ve only recently met (Or workmates I never speak with), I do not think I make great first impressions, or if I do, it quickly wears off as I become the real-me. Good luck opening up.

I know what you mean about always feeling like people treat you like you have a group somewhere else. Sometimes all you need to do is put yourself out there a bit, and let the invincible facade slip a bit. Studies have shown that we feel closer to people we divulge information to, and the people we divulge to will in turn feel closer to us. It seems like a simple formula, but very hard to carry out. I hope you can find a way to let yourself have friends.

I wish you were, but she couldn't possibly be online right now :-/<br />
<br />
Just something simple "I really need someone to talk to"... anything that expresses that she wants me around/needs me...

how would you want her to reach out? how can i reach out? how ironic would it be if i were actually the friend in question.. :P

You are saying what I long to hear from my friend. She seems to appear invincible and has so many other friends that I wonder how I could be important to her, yet I suspect maybe I am because I think she is tortured inside and insecure. I wish she could tell me, because I do love her unconditionally, but I don't know for sure that she needs that friendship so until she tells I'm probably not there for her as much as she really needs...

You are saying what I long to hear from my friend. She seems to appear invincible and has so many other friends that I wonder how I could be important to her, yet I suspect maybe I am because I think she is tortured inside and insecure. I wish she could tell me, because I do love her unconditionally, but I don't know for sure that she needs that friendship so until she tells I'm probably not there for her as much as she really needs...