I Am A Bi Husband! (Update: now divorced)

My wife and I have been married for over 25 years, and although I have been in denial for most of those years, about two years ago I began to realize that I had a powerful desire to have a sexual experience involving both my wife and another man.  I was foolish, and told her that I would like to pursue this... she was revolted and would not even consider such a thing.  Now, however, my drive to fulfill these desires has led me to cheat on my wife for the first time ever!  I have now started attending sex parties, in which I have sex with both men and women, both separately and together.  I feel guilty to have violated my wife's trust in this way, but in a sense she has pushed me to this point.  I am now thinking that we will likely end up divorced, because she will be unwilling to fulfill my desires in this way, and I am unwilling to give up what I have been denying all my life.
UPDATE: I eventually revealed my bisexuality, and my indiscretions, to my wife... we are now divorced, more so because she couldn't handle anything short of pure monogamy, than really ABOUT the bisexuality.  But my sex life goes on, better than ever!
EverlastOC EverlastOC
51-55, M
14 Responses Sep 28, 2010

Sorry about divorce. If my wife knew I was Bi she couldn't handle it either. I've been Bi my whole life. I think its the best of both worlds. I Love it.

While we were dating I told my wife about the bi experiences I had before we met and she was very understanding and accepting. I've had 2 bi friends during our 22 years of marriage and she knows all about them, even though she chose not to participate. "That's your time to be yourself". I've always wanted to share a ********* with her and recently she expressed her desire to experience it with me. I feel so lucky to be in love and be loved by such a remarkable woman.

I am Bi and love both and wouldn't have it any other way as I love **** ***** and ***

Thank you for your input, Silky. I myself feel awful for having cheated on my wife, but at the time I just didn't know how else to deal with my own confused feelings. This original post was written just two weeks after my first bisexual experience, and I lived with the guilt for another five months before it became too much for me and I came clean with my wife. It caused her a great deal of pain, and I regret that so much. But knowing how traditional and closed-minded she was, I just couldn't see any other way. I did not KNOW what would come of it... sure, I could have told her about my feelings, but she would have been unable to accept that, and would likely have asked for a divorce on the spot. No, I thought I might try it and not care for it, the reality not living up to the fantasy, and if that happened, my wife need never have known of my indiscretion, and I could go on with my life. But that's not how it happened. As bad as I feel, I'm really not sure how I would do it any differently if I had it all to do over again. It's just so hard when you find yourself having desires that are NOT accepted by the world at large, and certainly not by your own spouse, the one person you are supposed to rely on the most to support you through difficult times.<br />
I wish more people could have an attitude about this as open as yours, Silky. My desire to have physical pleasure with men need not have been any sort of threat to the emotional relationship between my wife and I... there was never any risk of me "falling in love with" a man... that is just not the nature of my desire for men. No, my desire is purely physical. Even now that my wife and I are apart, the long-term relationship I again seek is with a woman... I guess you could say that while I am bisexual, i am NOT bi-emotional (to make up a new term)... I am very much hetero-emotional.

I am married to a man that I like to describe as Homo-Erotic. Not so much bi. I view it differently because he is not turned on by men he is turned on by sex and everything it has to offer when it presents itself. WIth other men (or other women).<br />
I wasnt really sure how I felt about it all when I found out. But I do know after I thought about it for some time, I realised why should I be the one to deny his feelings and have him suppress them...? (why should I put him in prison) We only live one life. Shouldnt we explore everything while we still can? Who was I to stand in his way if he wanted to explore these feelings..... Now that being said I am not saying explore til your hearts content and hurting others to do so is wrong. The woman that was cheated on and found out later after she let him explore was heart breaking. I am sure she felt very walked on. Not a good Idea hurt the one you love in this way. But on the other hand maybe the man thought his wife would never understand what he desired so badly. Doesnt excuse what he did. Their are just people out there that go for what they want because it is finally in reach and sometimes lust and desire will sway you to "Go for it"!!!! For the woman that keeps asking "Arnt I enough for him" Well I just have to say one thing to you ,"No, your not". You have to face that fact and move on or it will "eat at you". I let it eat at me for the time I was absobering what he was confessing to me. I faced it and said OMG it hurt but Im still alive and he still loves me and our love hasnt changed for one another. I now know his needs are more than what I can offer him. And I have enjoyed knowing I love him enough to let him explore what makes him feel whole.<br />
For the men out there that feel so shut off from the world because they feel its so wrong to have these feelings, I hope one day you are able to explore them and freely without guilt. I just cant see how the life of someone that desires to be open and free with others cant because of the people around them wont allow it. Really? What kind of life do you have if you never get to explore it?

Yes, in fact since I made this post I have confessed all to my wife, and tried again to interest her in participating in any kind of sexual activity involving another man, but she is too closed to the idea, perhaps because of my deceit. The result is that we are now getting a divorce, though a uncontested, "friendly" one, and I am now seeking a new life partner, one who's sexuality and open attitude is more of a match for my own. I would love to have what you have now, conniechatterly... a three-way, loving relationship, one in which all three partners can have sex, or any two in any combination, and no one would feel jealousy or rejection. I do imagine it isn't always easy, though. I'd love to hear more about your experience. Thanks!

I am a bisexual woman married to a bisexual man who told me that when we first met but then pretty much pushed it under the rug and settled into married life with me, which is what I also did. We have been completely faithful to one another for ten years. Last year my husband and his best friend were on a camping trip together and cooked up a plan to have a *********. I had a couple of ********** MMF before I was married. I was intrigued with the idea, we did it and it was glorious. This caused my husband and I to become closer than ever. Through talking and exploring our feelings my husband realized/admitted that he had been in love with his best friend for 20 years. Nothing ever happened because his best friend claimed to be straight. We had another *********. My husband broke down because he could not express his physical love to his friend. He finally confessed it to him. His friend has now expressed a willingness to experiment with this in the context of a triad. We all love each other very deeply. This is how a good bisexual marriage can work, when all involved are open and in constant communication with each other. Lies and cheating will never work.

Polyamorous, it is when more than two people are all in love together.

Thankyou for replying.<br />
I wish you both all the best for the future.<br />

Hope it is okay to add a comment here, I'm still feeling newish around here.<br />
My husband cheated alot in our marriage and it killed me, slowly bit by bit. It wasn't so much the cheating and the sex, it was the LIES and blaming me, it was all my imagination apparently.<br />
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I think he may well have had bi sexual experiences, just a feeling I had a couple of times!!<br />
I loved him so much I even suggested an open marriage, but he was more into the sneaking around and the thrill of getting caught I guess.<br />
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What I would say was that I knew my vagina. I just could feel when something extra had been added to the mix, each time I went to get tested for EVERYTHING, (no fun with young children in tow) they could thankfully find nothing, although they always gave me antibiotics "Just in case we caught it real early"<br />
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In the end I decided I was going to use condoms with him and keep myself safe.<br />
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I wish I had left him along time ago, instead I hung on in there because I knew once I had stopped playing his game of "believe me, trust me, I don't cheat" he would leave, and he did.<br />
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I did eventually try to take my own life, it was a serious attempt and guess who found me!!!!<br />
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So how I feel is this, you have to be true to yourself. You do no one any favours by living your life as a lie. I am sad my marriage has ended, I'm not dating, have no social life, he has someone and I am happy for him.<br />
I just am thankful that I didnot waste another second of my life on something that wasnot real.<br />
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One day,please God, I will find someone who I can be totally honest with and him with me.<br />
When love and honesty is in the mix, I believe you can work most things out (draw the line at sex with minors and animals).<br />
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But from my painful experience lying kills everyone concerned.<br />
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ps please keep yourself safe, can't help it, the mummy in me.

Wow I have been there. Also had full sex with a nice black men. (Some of the best sex i ever had) It is hard to stop. what happens to me is i decided do a timeout for a wile. But latly my wive who is 7 years older than I stoped wanting sex??? she is beaytifull and sexy. see my pics. I am now trying to secretly set her up for a 3sum. have the guy tell her how nice and sexy she looks and see if i can spark things up again between us. I truly can not keep finding men to have sex with because eventually i will get caught. That would be a big problem.And can trully understand how you all feel. I really think it is just affection ( not getting it) Were a gay or bi guy is doing his best to make you happy and for the affection you put out all you got to make him happy. knowing your not going to leave your wife for a guy. Good luck Boys

See my private message, borednhung.

I am sorry that you have been at the doorstep of suicide, unfortunately, I understand that all too well. I have/had severe depression issues before all of this side of life slapped me in the face. For me, the only thing that stops me from continuing along that path is my children. I am glad your therapist is able to help you with that.<br />
All I can recommend is that you have therapy waiting around for your wife when you reveal this part of you and your plans to continue on this path of your life. Maybe your therapist can recommend someone. Odds are is that she will take it personally and depending on the type of woman your wife is, will determine her reactions. <br />
I do wish the best for you, but recommend to all other curious ones out there, if you are ready to take that step and your wife is uncooperative, separate. Adultry in any form is heart wrenching, but the added taboo of the bisexual/homosexual desires, well, It may be more than she can handle.

It has now been nearly four years since this original post. I did come clean with my wife, she did NOT take it well (not surprising), and refused any kid of counseling. To her credit, it took her three full days to decode she wanted a divorce, which was finalized almost two years ago now. I have not again had any serious suicidal thoughts, and now I have the love of a new woman, with whom I can be completely honest, about EVERYTHING, including my bisexuality. I still feel bad about what happened with my ex, but I can now see that this result was unavoidable. Thankfully, she is now remarried...seemingly happily, and I am engaged to be married to the TRUE love of my life!
I do hope things have worked out well for you, too.

Thank you so much for the female perspective on this, Moi40. I do realize I have violated my wife's trust in a VERY fundamental way, regardless of whether she knows or not. And I do still love her very deeply. What I want is to continue to have a loving relationship with her, but also to include others on a purely physical basis. I know this is something that most women cannot do... neither can they share their own man, nor can they easily separate the acts of sex from the emotional idea of love. So I realize that what I truly want is effectively impossible, but I've come to a point in my life where I cannot deny my bisexual side. I am slowly coming to the realization that this will most likely lead to a divorce, which I do NOT want, but I do not feel as though I have any other choice.<br />
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No, my wife does not deserve the kind of pain that will be inflicted on her when I eventually come clean. The love I feel for her makes it so very difficult to take these steps, but to continue to deny my own feelings would not be helpful to either of us. My repressed feelings have brought me to the brink of suicide on a number of occasions, and with my therapist beginning to help me understand my own repressed feelings, I am finally beginning to feel at peace with the world. I truly find it tragic that my long-term relationship with my beloved wife will most likely be a casualty of this, but I cannot go on living in misery myself. I am going to do my best to let my wife know how deep my love for her still is, and that she should try not to take this as a personal affront.<br />
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Thanks for your input, and I would love to hear more from you.

As the wife of a bi man, let me explain that whether the wife is conservative or not, it's a big step to deal with the bisexuality of your mate. Early on in our marriage, We experimented and he got to play out his bisexual desires in **********. I thought I was being a beyond open wife, only to find out he'd been playing with these guys before I had a clue. So, I felt like a joke. Plus, it starts to eat away at me. Why can't I be enough for him? I'm willing to play every role, obviously, I opened our marriage bed to others, men and women, (long ago)...but, I'm just tired of not being enough. His infidelities has destroyed my self confidence. I'm a good person and he says he loves me, and after as many years as we've been together...over 20..and having children...I don't have the strenght to leave him...never have..every time I catch him veering off..I should leave..but I love him...I hate the pain he causes me. He lies every which way to cover his tracks...which always catch up with him. If your wife is open to your adventures...then you are lucky to have someone you don't have to hurt to have fun..but, if you are venturing out behind her back, and she finds out, know this, you will destroy all trust...and most of all...you will destroy part of her heart and soul. You need to decide if your spouse did something so horrible to you to deserve this type of destruction and pain.