Binge Over 20,000 Calories, Purge Over 100 Times A Day.

I use food as an escape from reality. I'm locked away in my own little world, and no one can get to me when I'm there. When I'm eating, my thoughts are all on food, and it's better then thinking about anything else... But of course, I can't get 'fat'. So I purge. In a way, the purging is used to remove all the negative emotions that I build up. I've tried recovery from anorexia and bulimia, and my illness has taken a turn for the worse. The amount I binge is sickening, and the amount I purge is deadly. The highest, close the 200 times.
I started this just throwing up a couple of times a week, just getting rid of little 'treats', usually around 600 calories in excess. Now? I'm lucky to be alive. I'm in danger of dropping dead any second. I get numb, I have heart palpitations, I'm always, ALWAYS cold, I struggle with insomnia, my hair is falling out, my nails are brittle and cracking, and I look like I'm the walking dead, with pale, crumbled skin...
Please, don't get as bad as me. Don't feel like you need to binge and purge to be happy or accepted. I've lost my friends, I've lost interest in everything I once loved. It's ruined me, and its an evil killer. Being thin and being popular is nothing when you look at the bigger picture. Your life is so precious, and you can do anything you set your mind to. Please, don't keep doing this to yourself. Stop killing yourself. <3
LittleMonster1011 LittleMonster1011
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 12, 2012

Me too. Not everyday, but when I binge and purge, its usually an all-day event. Just binge, purge, binge, purge, and constantly looking for new binge items that will come up easily and taste very rich. On the days I fight so hard to avoid a relapse, I'm usually very "on edge" and short-tempered. My skin is terrible, and my lower body is cold all of the time. My legs get numb at night. I try to take a lot of supplements and prenatal vitamins everyday to counter-act the damage I've done to my body. Whenever I go to get a physical with blood work, the doctor says that I look pretty healthy on paper. My blood pressure, and sugar are always on the low side, but my doctor says this isn't a bad thing. She knows about my history battling bulimia. People just do not understand how bad the "bad days" get for me. The other day I decided I would write down everything I could remember binging and purging...Just to see things in retrospect, I guess. Within a five hour period I ate and purged: An entire party-sized bucket(I think its close to a gallon and a half) of vanilla frozen yogurt with an package of chocolate chip cookie dough raw(makes about 16 cookies), one can of chocolate frosting on the frozen yogurt, one gallon of chocolate milk, one six-inch marinara and cheese sub sandwich, one personal pizza from subway, a small bag of baked potato chips, two large diet sodas, four large cookies, a large gas station coffee with lots of skim milk, one pint of moose tracks ice cream, another pint of vanilla ice cream, three custard-filled donuts, one single pack of fig newtons, and a very large rice krispie treat. What's worse is that this isn't even one of the biggest binges I've had.

You saved my life. So I'm going to save yours. I feel in my chest that you will win. You are going to rise above your mental battle. I swear you can do it, I swear you are better than this, even if you're not stronger, even if you are weak. If you decide you can. You can. Find support, find your life because it is never too late. Never too deep to extricate yourself from these illnesses. You are alive. You are full of this burning life and that conquers all. I love you.