"i Have An Eating Disorder." "well, Who The Hell Doesn't These Days?"

I'm been a self-diagnosed Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) since I was 12. I've faked ADD to get Amphetamines from my doctors to lose weight, I've abused laxatives, I've made myself throw up, I've tried countless different diets and diet pills, I was a diet pill junkie when I was only 13-14, and now I'm a Vyvanse (amphetamine-based ADD medication) junkie. I starve myself. I've "fasted" numerous times, and set ridiculous week-long liquids only, or as long as I could go; goals only to find myself failing and taking a bite of something. A single bite ruins everything. "Well, if I can take a bite of that...why not just go all out, gods all of this food looks delicious, plus tomorrow's another day right? I can lose anything I gain with this binge..."

And for only a few moments after I've sampled every sort of food there is (depending on where I am, but most likely at home. I never eat in front of people or in public.)...I'll fill complete. Full. Defeated. And there's comfort in that. But only a few moments later, I'm cursing myself for my weakness, adding up the numbers in my head and wishing I were dead.

Want to know the only thing that keeps me from killing myself? I want to know what it feels like to be thin and happy with the way I look. I want to look good when they find me dead, and in my coffin (if I choose that, instead of cremation). That's it. That's all that matters. My health can wait. Oh, what's the possibility of a heart attack when I'm on my way to greatness?! What's fainting another time? It's nothing compared to my goal, and I will reach it even if it kills me, and in some way or another, it will.

If it hasn't already.
reveourealite reveourealite
Aug 10, 2010