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To Binge Or Not To Binge

I guess it's appropriate I write this on St. Patrick's Day, but I think it's mostly just coincidental.

I often see binging as evil.  And, in my mind, being productive is good.  My soul is a battlefield, constantly scarred by these forces pushing back and forth.  I cheer when productivity makes an advance and moves it's white flag futher across my soul.  Then binging and indulgence strike back and the black flag penetrates through the white lines.

I don't think this is the most accurate or healthy characterization of my struggle.  I believe that vilifying my impulses to binge just represses them.  It makes them stronger and then, when they break through the ranks of the good, they penetrate more deeply.  In other words, repression just makes them stronger.

Once my desire to binge overcomes my restraint, my impulses just run rampant and there is no hope of controlling them.  If I don't start out by trying to hold my impulses in check then, when they escape, they are weaker and I eventually - sometimes sooner than later - tire of them.

I've been writing all this as a means to set up an insight that just came to me.  Now, unfortunately, after all this background description, I forgot what my insight was.  Hopefully it will come back to me soon!  It had something to do with how to better live with my "darker impulses."  I'm open to suggestion from others' wisdom.
CatalinaVanilla CatalinaVanilla 26-30, F 12 Responses Mar 17, 2011

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please add me. want to chat and binge together?

I guess it depends on what you wanted to binge on??

I'm not sure it does - that seems tangential, at best. Or else I am missing your point completely . . .

I mean is it just food all together or is it just certein foods like if your stressed you eat candy bars

it's usually not food that's good for me :(

ahh... such and interesting story. I think you have strong desires that you keep trying to deny yourself. Probably because the world tells you that binging and being fat is just not acceptable. It makes you feel guilty about something that also brings you great satisfaction.It sets up this antagonistic good and evil battle inside of you that keeps getting reinforced every time the cycle repeats.I too have an impulse of a different kind, and have been lead to believe that I should repress it growing up. However since I spent a lot of time reflecting and contemplating my life I realized that my forces were stronger because I tried to deny my inner expressions. I tried to conform to what "they" told me I was supposed to be.Since I have shaken off that guilt and shame I have experienced freedom to be who I am. I do indulge, I do enjoy myself, and I DON'T feel ashamed and guilty for it.In your particular case I also have a strong connection to your story. I adore bigger women, I just find them so attractive. I also find when they eat and gain weight to be very attractive and exhilarating. Sure in a sexual way, but also in a deep emotional satisfying way. So when I read about you wanting to binge I can't help having the strong urge to want to help you, to actually feed you. It sure seems blissful for a mutual expression of ourselves, feeding both of our deepest and strongest desires.Wow, that was awesome writing that all out.I would love to be added to your circle, we can talk more

Tubby, thanks for the post, although it's a bit hard to read without punctuation. That's exactly my point: vilifying food or binging simply doesn't help and just makes things worse.

I never thought of it as foreplay but I guess you're right. Frighteningly correct actually.

So, does shopping constitute a foreplay before the actual binge? Do you already feel a rush of excitement when you do your shopping? And later, when you know what is waiting for you in the fridge, are you trembling with anticipation? ;)

yeah I guess that's a good point. I try not to take my inner binge girl shopping but she usually manages to stick a few things in the cart . . .

But then again, your fridge doesn't stock up by itself, does it? :)

whatever is in the fridge. Usually the worse for me, the more comforting it seems to be. Or beer. That's good too! LOL

What do you binge one when you do? Are there certain foods that you prefer?

I have the impulse maybe daily but I don't always act on it.

How often do you have the impulse to binge?