Stuck.

my story seems pretty tangled to me, maybe even just typing it out will help to clarify.

i think i'm a bisexual male, or at least bicurious.

this is on the basis of having increasing sexual thoughts about men over the last 18 months or so. if i'm honest with myself i had been 'noticing' guys for several years prior to this, but no thoughts, or urges if you like, until more recently. it has gone no further than including males in sexual thoughts or fantasies for me, without being too specific.

its been impossible to work out what these thoughts/urges mean because:

1. all of my sexual experiences have been with females. in fact, i've recently met a girl i think something good could happen with. it's in its very, very early stages, and there's been a break as she's out of the country for a month, which has given my hugely neurotic mind time to roam, fortunately or unfortunately.

2. i've never had any experiences of any kind with men. indeed, i initially ignored the thoughts, and subsequently labelled them as "intrusive thoughts" which were somehow external (they manifested as thoughts during a relationship with a previous girlfriend - i also had uncontrollable thoughts about other girls in this relationship). it's only very recently that i've recognised the thoughts as my own.

3. i find it crushingly difficult to accept the thoughts about men and work them into my self-perception. this leads me to have nearly uncontrollable background anxiety (manifesting as nausea/headaches) almost all of the time. i find it difficult to work, study or have guilt-free social time with all of this.

4. i'm really scared about the ?forthcoming relationship with the girl i mentioned above. i realise this is massively getting ahead of the game, but i foresee problems - the thoughts about men, or rather the overwhelming anxiety associated with thoughts - seems to negate my feelings for girls. i sometimes 'forget' temporarily that i'm attracted to girls and get very easily caught up in perceived second-by-second fluctuations in my sexuality. so i'm scared about what will happen when she gets back - should i disclose my thoughts when i'm essentially feeling totally uncertain? etc.

5. it somehow feels irresponsible to start something with a girl while i'm feeling like this - but on past form i've had similar feelings (about other things) at the inception of potential relationships which have been anxiety-driven.

before you ask,

- i have a psychotherapist of the last 18 months. she acknowledges the feelings and encourages observation of feelings, but thinks the thoughts about men may reflect something deeper rather than just being a thing in themselves.
- i already engage in sporadic yoga and meditation to try and deal with the anxiety.


so. long and complicated. i feel the biggest issue for me is to learn to accept myself as i am - i'm really struggling with self-recrimination.

but experimentation on behalf of all the male thoughts i'm having is pressing on me, and i don't know how to engage with this, given i have no gay/bisexual male friends and am unfamiliar with any 'scenes' - or even whether i can or should explore, given the girl and other priorities (postgrad exams). i do know the anxiety tends to be relieved by observation of the comfort of other males as being successful or content with their bicuriosity or bisexuality eg. frank ocean, james murphy (?no actual evidence for this i know).

http://globalgrind.com/music/frank-ocean-gay-bisexual-homosexual-out-the-closet-letter-channel-orange-details

that's it. i'm not even sure what i'm looking for people to say - but i'd certainly appreciate any comments or thoughts on my experiences!
darknesses darknesses
26-30, M
1 Response Sep 15, 2012

First thing you need to do, is to relax. So what if your bisexual, or even gay. You will find someone that you love, and want to have a long-term relationship. I don't know where you are from, but I grew up in the south, the Bible belt, the worst place to be gay/bi. I understand the fears of someone finding out, but you can overcome those, in time. Most internet browsers now have a surf privately function, where you leave no traces of your activities. Get online privately, and search for gay and the city and state you are in, you should get at least some results.

Again, first of all relax. It's not that serious. when I came out gay bashing was a regular thing around here, I know several guys, that were beaten so bad they almost died. That is where fear comes in. Just worrying about a friend never talking to you again is easy, you will make a lot of new friends, eventually.

Keep your eyes open I'm sure you can find a gay waiter somewhere, I know it's an offensive clishay, but it happens to be true. Clothing stores are another good place to find gay men, hairdressers, florist, all good places to find someone gay. Observe them for a little while,watch to see if they are gay, if so ask them where they gay scene is. You might even get a phone number.

So good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for. Give it a try, hook up with a man, see if you like it, if not don't worry anymore, if you do like it then give it a few more tries, you will eventually decide if you want to have that kind of relationship or not.