Dum De Dum Seeeee

So facebook is being an utter ************ ****** today and deciding that it just doesn't feel like working. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth the effort. The only real reason I sign on is to see pictures of my best friends baby and show off her adorbale little ***! I got to hold her again yesterday!! I was just sitting there with her, you kind of have to hold her hands when she sleeps because she is always waving them around and it distracts her. Greatest baby ever, honesty...waving hands distract her from sleeping...Gotta love it...

Anyways, I'm just sitting there with her, she's holding my finger in her tiny little hand. She kind of opens her eyes at me and pulls on my finger a little bit. I...my heart pretty much almost bursted at that moment. I seriously have no words for the amount of joy that little finger tug and stare did for me. She's adorable, and I...I'm already lost. It makes me want a baby so ours can be best friends to. But I know I'm far from ready for that. I still have school to finish. I mean I've held my own cousins before, but this was something different. My best friend is my other sister, and I love her daughter like she was my own niece. Which she is in my eyes.

I can seriously see the money in my checking account slowly going down each and every time I walk into the baby section of some store....I always end up leaving with an outfit....or three....I mean, how can you resist?!?!?!?! Those damn clothes are all so freakin cute and the companies know that...They suck you in with their bright colors and adorable patterns....Ugh....I want to buy her summer dresses, but we don't know what she will fit into because she was born 6 weeks early. She's a wee bit tiny...almost 5 pounds I think.

Where have the years gone...My best friend has a baby....Its so weird, but at the same time it feels so right. I love just hanging out with her and her family. I'm more at home there. I feel like I fit. Honestly, her opinion means more to me then anyone elses in the world. She wants to meet the new boy...It's been so long since I've actually liked someone and it meant enough to me for them to actually meet. Ugh...I'm already having anxiety. I know I shouldn't, but that puts everything into the realm of actually serious.

I have some issues with that. For some reason, I...hmm...ahh...have a tendancy to bolt before anything substanial can happen. I always recognize the signs. And I will either let the boy know or just let it go. I know if I start telling them the signs, they are important enough to me to attempt to break through the behavior. Others, I just let it ride knowing there is no sense in fighting it. I can basically plan it down to like a day by day process. There are reasons for those steps. It's been built in since I was probably 14/15 years old to make sure I don't get hurt. There are several reasons surrounding that, that I'd rather not go into or actually type out. Those memories are better left behind.

Ugh....I go from uber happy post about baby, to sad/anxiety filled post bout best friend meeting potential boyfriend. I want her to like him so much. Ugh.You know what?!?! I'm just going to go mess with my lizard for a little bit because I can and to distract myself from the circle of thoughts that will get me no where. I balk at the idea of them two meeting, because that is something very serious for me. Anyone who meets her and she actually likes them, well hell that's like daaaamn. It has only happened once. It means something serious, and I don't know, I just really don't want to feel that kind of pain. I'm just a scared little chicken...or that's the way it sounds I know, but I just don't know. I'm so used to being on my own that having someone there, I'm just looking for something to go wrong. I'm happy. Life is really good for the most part.

Like I was telling SM, I feel like he's chasing me....

Just waiting to pouce....somewhere around a corner. I don't know. I'm always second guessing everything about the relationship between him and myself. Looking for flaws, holes, anything when I'm by myself. When I'm with him though, it just feels right. There really isn't much that I'd rather do then just sit on his comfy *** couch and play video games or watch TV.  Okay holding baby is definitely number one, but he's a pretty close second. I'm expecting the bad when I shouldn't be. I feel like part of me is just trying to kill it before I get to attached. That's what I always do. Part of me just talks myself out of any possible chance of having a relationship. Most for good reason, some I don't know what happened. This could actually go places I think...I don't know...I wish I knew. Ugh...life is much simpler when it's just you and your lizard. I suppose eventually someone had to come break down my wall of single life. I just don't know if I'm mentally ready for that though cause its been such a freakin long time.

Khilaren Khilaren
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 20, 2010

Uh ohhh...sigh...No, he graduated. He's a a couple years older then I am. He does keep me laughing or...at least he tries to...he unfortunately has a tickling obsession...I'm not ticklish anymore because I used to squeak so people would tickle me waaaaaaaay to much...so they tickled the ticklish out of me...he's determined to find a spot....ugh...I don't really know, I usually just open my open doors...

She sleeps better with them not wrapped up....as long as she has got a good grip on your hand she sleeps for 3 hours no problem. She only starts to fuss when she gets hungry or needs to be changed...other then that she doesn't cry at all for the most part...<br />
Him in a nutshell...one gianormous dork....but I love it cause that is my type of guy. The funny part is I can see the two of you pullin out on of those detective style questioning with the one light and all...