So Complicated.

I was 21, he was 23. He and I met online. We both had similar personalities and liked all the same things, but were both too cocky to say anything. We out talked and outsmarted each other, sarcastically made comments and secretly admired the other for their wit. Gradually, we became more and more open with each other and shared secrets. We chatted and skyped. Pretty soon we couldn't go a day without talking and continued to just be great friends. We both agreed - falling in love was stupid, and we would never fall for a scam like that. We were just friends who lived almost 2,000 miles apart. About 6 months into our friendship, he confessed he cared about me and I confessed feelings, too. Being so far away, we decided to just be friends and do nothing about it - yet neither of us could stop communication and neither of us liked anyone else. He listened to my problems and I could tell him anything, things that I could never tell anyone else. He was understanding and cared about me. He always listened to what I had to say and played guitar for me when I needed music. He even wrote a song for me and sang it for me and recorded it and made it public. In addition to all that, he was tall, dark and handsome! Finally, he took the step and asked to come 10 months after meeting online, we finally met in person when he flew to my town. We got along just as well in person and he was a complete gentleman - and my family loved him instantly. All of my close friends loved him too, and it seemed like a completely perfect situation. There was just one small problem: he was clearly in love with me, but I wasn't "in love" with him. I liked him a lot, but that was it. After his visit (during which he didn't so much as put his arm around me out of respect for my wishes to not get physically involved), he went back to his city and continued to communicate his intentions and be a wonderful friend. However, with my own reservations and last relationship which was complete and utter lying from my ex boyfriend, I requested a time of not talking, just to clear our thoughts and take a step back. I wanted to see if I couldn't live without him. I didn't want to cheat him out of true love by not being able to equal his emotion for me. During this time of not talking, I began hanging out with a group of people...and met an old acquaintance. He was 26, and by this time I was 22. This is another story entirely, which I will tell in a different story section. Anyway, I began hanging out with this guy. Between not talking to Online Guy and being charmed by Real Life Guy, I was convinced that I had truly fallen in love and I started a completely secret love relationship with the 26 year old, which began with him taking my virginity. Meanwhile, a couple weeks later, Online Guy ("OG") tried to communicate with me again. I started talking with him again as friends, while still seeing Real Life Guy ("RL"). I confessed to OG that I had been with RL a few times; somehow I couldn't bring myself to confess the ongoing relationship. I made it sound like it was over with RL because I didn't want to lose OG. I depended on him so much, but he was so far away that I couldn't hang out with him and take comfort from him, so had myself convinced that RL was the one who I really loved. He claimed to love me too, but the way he treated me was so much different - instead of talking about mutual interests and being interested in my life and feelings, RL was constantly talking about himself and telling stories from his past with ex girlfriends, encounters, etc. Meanwhile, OG was helping me mentally recover from losing my virginity and grieving over it himself. His reaction when I confessed to him was heart-wrenching: "No! I wanted to be the one who did that!" Besides feeling like garbage because of lying to my best friend, I was also still with this guy who cared for himself more than for me. OG finally determined he was going to come visit secretly again and see me to help me through it and knock some sense into me. I agreed, fully intending on ending the relationship with RL before OG arrived.
Fail. I couldn't get myself to detach from him and so OG arrived for a weekend and I had to lie to RL to cover up OG's arrival. I spent the weekend with OG, who ended up showing the side of him I'd never seen and wanted sex with me, as well. I reluctantly gave in out of guilt and wanting to make it work. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I had a sexual relationship with OG, my feelings for RL would diminish or lessen and I could make it work with OG, who had always been there for me.
Alas, while the sex was physically more enjoyable with OG, I just couldn't release my feelings for RL and ended up confessing to RL that I had slept with OG during a visit. He forgave me and said he could move on from it - since we weren't 'officially' dating. Anyway, I ended it with RL finally because I knew I had to and I knew it was the right thing to do (you'd have to hear that to understand why...sorry. I'll get around to confessing that half of the story). The day I ended it with RL, lo and behold, OG had surprised me by flying in yet again for a visit, this time with my friends and family's knowledge. What great timing. OG didn't know I was still seeing RL up until that point; I confessed the entire ongoing relationship to him and everything concerning it - the lies, the half truths, the reasons why I hadn't answered my phone or texted him for hours at a time. He took it pretty hard. But being a pretty aggressive personality, despite his understanding ways and tenderness he could display, he released his frustration through anger and aggressive sex. It wasn't rape, but I was physically subdued and he went until he decided he wanted to be finished. Being literally twice my weight, it wasn't a fair fight and honestly, I didn't put up too much of a fight because deep down I felt like I deserved it and I somehow wanted to recompense for my wrongdoing and treating him so unfairly and dishonestly. After that, though, I had a difficult time viewing him the same. I felt that I had been taken advantage of by him...ironic, after my lying and pretty much going behind his back. However, he and I weren't in a relationship so I wasn't cheating on him, per se. Since then, I've distrusted him a little and needless to say, he doesn't trust me very much, either. At the end of the week of him visiting, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed, on the basis of liking him a lot and wanting it to work out between us, and getting over the very recent (week before) end with RL. But with OG living so far away, it was tough. I never cheated on him. I never was seeing RL after that. I was completely faithful to OG, despite the long distance. I met up with him again in a city near his hometown while my family was vacationing there. The aggressive sex happened again, and once again I felt like he didn't stop even after I was clearly saying no and asking him not to. I downplayed it because once again I felt like I deserved it. Went to visit his city 2 months ago and met his family and friends. He was absolutely the perfect boyfriend, paying attention to what I said I like and buying little gifts, writing and playing songs on guitar for me, planning dates and fun events. I had to be careful not to say 'oh that's pretty!' or 'I like that' because he'd buy it for me then. He was a perfect gentleman in every way until it came to the end of the day and it was time for bed. It was a lot of fun and we got along incredibly well, almost like old times. But once the sun went down, it's like he would expect me to return the favor to him and despite how uncomfortable I was with having sex, he would push the issue until I caved in...which always happened because I knew he'd do it anyway. Half the time I was all for it and enjoying sexual intimacy with him also, but the other half of the time was pressured and felt forced. During my visit to his city, I started to catch on to little half truths and almost lies that he would occasionally tell - or he would say something and later on, his family would say something else. It was always to make himself look better to me. However, all he was succeeding in doing was causing me to distrust him even more.
I ended the relationship about a month ago but we are still good friends and talk a lot. He wasn't happy about breaking up at all, obviously. I just couldn't do long our conversations are still every day, but don't flow like they used to and we are both hurt and a bit standoffish with each other - yet neither of us can bear to end it completely and stop talking. We've even recently been talking about meeting halfway or in a random city and hanging out together one more time, just to see if there is any way it can be salvaged and we can be together again. Basically, I feel like I've caused all this pain and this terrible situation, while I'm still in pain and trying to heal from my relationship with RL. But I recognize how I hurt OG and tend to want to punish myself for it or just lose myself in quickly finding another relationship just for sex (so not like me at all - as you can probably gather from me being a virgin til age 22). I see the pain I've cause OG and I feel like I should either stop all communication with him to spare his feelings, or be his girlfriend again like he wants me to be. However, we both have distrust for each other now. I have nobody else to open up to freely like I can talk with him. Again, I feel like I have no business playing with his heart when I'm still not in love with him. I've been honest with him about that and he is convinced he will make me fall in love with him. I talked to him about the aggression and sex and he says that is his sex style and he doesn't think he can do sex tenderly or gently...which for me is my preference because I'm still new to the whole sex thing and didn't even want to have sex til I was married. I've poured out the story here and if you're still reading, I'm in need of your advice/opinion/support. What should I do? Is he the sweet, understanding, caring guy that he was for over a year before he and I had sex, or was that all a show to get me to fall for him? He stuck by me and forgave me over and over when I lied to him about the other relationship. I care about him so very much. I still feel like I loved RL, but have determined that will definitely never happen and I believe OG really cares about me.
Ninja89 Ninja89
22-25, F
May 15, 2012