The Masks That Monster's Wear

I am always the monster.

Never am I the hero, the knight in shining armor; the boy who ends up with the girl, the nice guy who wins out over the bully. I'm never the friend she realizes she's in love with; the guy waiting on the sidelines. That special person in her life? That isn't me.

No. Me?
I'm the saboteur. I'm the one who throws the wrench into a perfectly working machine; I toss the grenade in the fox hole full of my friends. I am the noose that hangs the pretty girl; the pyre that burns the innocent.
I break hearts because it's something I'm good at.
I am the fiend, the liar. I am forever the dark mark on the record.
I am the demon mothers warn their children about.
I am the traitor.

Nothing I build can last long. Nothing I do is the right answer. I'm stuck with a self-destructed heart, never able to let go of the things I've done...
I am despicable; shame, guilt, agony, these are my only friends.
Hesitation, desire, and lies; these are my weapons.

Every significant relationship I've had was destroyed by me, whether it was because I hesitated about what I wanted, I made a mistake, I was lazy and didn't want to put the effort into it, or because I thought I was in love with someone else. Or because I simply lied.

Every person I've ever loved hates me because I couldn't control myself.
I never stopped to think, "maybe this is worth fighting for." Instead I lit the fuse and watched it blow up in my face, taking all I wanted and loved with it.
Simply because I could. Simply because I didn't know what else to do.

My first love wasn't my first girlfriend.
She was the one who got us together.
I simply followed her advice and ended up with a girl I didn't care about because I thought it would make her happy. True, in the end I did care about the other girl; but I broke her heart several times trying to obtain my original goal. At the time I never thought it through, never saw the despicable lie I was telling myself every day. Someone amazing was right in front of me, and I thought I'd come to love her, but in the end I broke her heart because I wanted something more from a girl who was so much less. My selfish actions broke an amazing girl's heart, all for the sake of someone who ended up betraying me and costing me every friendship I had.
I thought rebuilding my life from the ground up would be sobering. Like, maybe this time I'd learned my lesson and could do it right.
But I was so wrong.
I did it again.
And again.

I torture myself with the memories. Constant reminders in my day to day life keep me in check. I'm never happy; always on the brink of some depression because of a choice I made.
My reasoning is this: I choose to remember, to open my wounds, thinking it might save my soul. Maybe if I recall why I did what I did, I can prevent someone from making the same mistakes. 

I broke my own heart, died a thousand times, and rebuilt a thousand kingdoms only to burn them down.
I do this because I am the warning.
I am the monster you should never become.
CatalystKasper CatalystKasper
18-21, M
3 Responses Nov 23, 2012

Fear of true connection sames to be key in many cases...

it is never to late to change

dude then change your life no one is perfect