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I Feel Just A Little Bad, But...

It really needed to be done.

The relationship was not even official. He liked me. I thought I liked him, but I had a boyfriend. We were all in 9th grade.

He started out as some boy that would pick on me in my geometry class. We would always finish our work early and he would pick on me and pick on me and pick on me. Gradually, we started to realize that we like the same kind of music and we enjoyed making the same kind of art, so we shared that with each other. And I suppose eventually it evolved into this sort of weird Stockholm syndrome-type-thing where I thought I was falling in love with my tormentor.

Then I noticed that he was watching me during lunch. I got a little creeped out, but my weird, messed up brain was thinking "Wow! He likes me!" And in all honesty, I don't even think that I was attracted to my boyfriend at the time even then. (I was with the guy from the summer-of-7th-grade-going-into-8th-grade up until right after I graduated from high school.) So I suppose that because I was so subconsciously desperate to get the hell out of my relationship at the time, I probably would have dated just about anyone I found mildly cute just to get away. But this was all subconscious. I had no idea that I felt this way up until I made the decision to break up with him.

So then this stupid geometry boy got a girlfriend and it made me really jealous. He constantly gloated to me about how she was "younger and blonde," so she was therefore, a hottie. For the records, she was not a hottie. She had some strange broken teeth, thick dark circles under her eyes, and light brown hair. So of course, it drove me nuts hearing that I was not the most beautiful thing in the world (I mean, I know that there are people out there who are more beautiful. That's a given. I'm described by other people as "cute, pretty, beautiful, and adorable." But there's always somebody who is more of all of those things than I. My point is that no girl ever likes to hear that some guy doesn't think that she's the prettiest.). He would insult me even further, comparing me to her in a negative way.

So by the end of the year, I thought that I really liked him. One of our friends dared us to kiss on the last day of school, so we did. I liked it. I don't want to say that there was a spark because I don't think that there really was. I've experienced fireworks and what I felt when I kissed him were definitely not fireworks, but, at the same time, it wasn't bad. I wanted to kiss him more, despite the fact that he was still together with his girlfriend and I still had my boyfriend. So I did, just a little. We began texting more to each other as summer picked up. Eventually, it came out that he actually liked me all year (*gasp* shocker!) and he only dated his girlfriend because he wanted to make me jealous. Eventually, we agreed to go out on a date.

He already broke up with his girlfriend by the time we agreed on our date. So I broke up with my boyfriend the night before my date with geometry boy. No, it wasn't the best move. I was upset from the break up still. But I still went on this date just the same, albeit upset and not wanting to eat. We ended up making out for the first time and it. Was. SO BAD. Not just a little bad. IT WAS SO BAD THAT I WANTED TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. The boy was the literal worst kiss of my entire life. I joke that he kissed like a robot (because his motions were repetitive and inhuman) eating spaghetti (he slurped) and sushi (he opened his mouth really wide as if he was trying to fit a gigantic sushi roll in) at the same time. I think that kissing a dead fish would have been better. And to make matters worse, he kept asking me when we were "going to do it" and it pissed me off because I felt as though the only reason that he wanted to date me at all is because he heard that I wasn't a virgin. He did buy me a messenger bag that I still use to this day, but that was about all I felt like I got out of it. Besides, I felt as though he was trying to "buy me" the whole entire time. He offered to buy me almost everything I looked at, but I refused for every time. Except the messenger bag. He absolutely insisted on buying me the messenger bag. So I let him.

That was our last date. I took my old boyfriend back that night, but I failed to tell geometry boy because I would have felt bad if I did. But now that I look back on it, I would have been better off to just keep them both dumped and moved on. I think I mainly took my ex back because he essentially guilted me into it. But I did the exact polar opposite of what I should have done (of course), and I kept geometry boy on a string while I dated my ex. That was probably one of the s-h-i-t-t-i-e-s-t things I have ever done and now I know to never do it again.

A couple moths later, I knew that I had to put geometry boy out of his misery. He was unaware of the situation and I found him extra repulsive because of the way that he acted on our date. I thought that maybe it would get better, but it didn't. Of course it didn't. I just didn't know that it wouldn't because I was 15 and stupid. So, I, now being a long distance girlfriend to both boys, got on the phone and talked to geometry boy and I broke up with him in the gentlest way anyone could break up with someone and I felt completely s-h-i-t-t-y for doing it. But it had to be done. The worst part was that I never even told my boyfriend that geometry boy thought that he and I were official. Geometry boy referred to me as his "girlfriend," but I never referred to him as my "boyfriend" because I never made it official. And if anyone asked, I told them that it wasn't. But this boy genuinely believed that he and I were exclusive and I neither confirmed nor denied it, which, again, was s-h-i-t-t-y. 

He probably is locked away in his room (wherever that may be) hating me because I was what he believed to be his second girlfriend and the first girl to "make him" break up with his first girlfriend just to get his heart broken for what he probably believes is "no reason." I feel bad and if I could, I would apologize to him in a heartbeat.

I never want to do anything that s-h-i-t-t-y ever again in my life.
SomethingAnatomical SomethingAnatomical 18-21, F Oct 23, 2011

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