Trying To Understand What Can Possibly Be On His Mind.

I within the last week broke up with my BF of 4+ years. The thing that gets me is that his perspective is completely different from mine, and I just can't wrap my mind around his version. At the beginning of May he did help me to obtain an apartment at one of the properties his brother manages. He also provided some financial assistance. His perspective is that I simply wanted this apartment and once I got it I kicked him to the curb because he says that I use him for his money and apparently I'm a money grubbing, gold digger. Now, my perspective is this.... Once I got moved into this apartment he began to get very controlling,demanding keys to the apartment, thought that he should be able to come and go as he pleased regardless of what the occupants were doing, home or not. He felt that we no longer had a right to any privacy. Every morning he would show up at 10:30am, this is when I return home from my morning duties. Never did he consider I may want any time for myself. I requested repeatedly to not show up the minute I walked in the door, he wasn't having it. Yes, he did help financially with the security and first months rent, but that was all he would be contributing and had already received a payment to pay it back. I did not see a need for him to have keys, he was not residing here. He then came into the apartment uninvited and unannounced and stole a set of keys off the kitchen counter and copied them, I immediately changed the locks. He was livid. Next he was here one Sunday afternoon laying in bed, asked me to get up and do something, I didn't move quick enough for him so he proceeded to push me off the bed onto the floor by digging both of his feet into my back. I was getting very weary of him, found myself not wanting to be around him. I told him ididnt feel it necessary to see each other every day. Again he ignored my request. One morning I was studying up on my tech skills for a phone interview with a recruiter, I told him what I was doing but of course he shows up at the door. My mind is on questions I may be asked, he's telling me about some friends at his house the night before and what went on, not what I was interested in discussing at the time. I begged him to leave, I assured him I'd call when I finished. Thankfully he left but wasn't happy about it, made a remarkaboutme not acting like love someone. I specifically told him what time I'd be on phone conference. 30 minutes into the conference call my phone starts beeping in texts. It's him asking am I done yet. Again this really bothered me. That was Friday afternoon, Saturday he shows up, this time I expected him. He comes in hands me about $240.00. This was the money we were using to hangout all day I supposed. We went off, bought a few odds and ends and spent the rest at the grogery store except about $60. Upon our return he gets into my bed, keeps trying to pull me into bed, I told him NO, I can't do this now, my son and mother are expecting me to cook dinner. He gets up and locks the door like what I said didn't matter. I again said NO, I CAN'T NOW! He jumped up and went off, screamed vile nasty things about me in front of my 10 yr old son. I shut my bedroom door, I didn't wanna hear it or argue. He kicked and broke the door in. My mother and son and myself were terrified. My mother told him the neighbors were calling the police and finally he left. The very next day he calls and leaves a voice message can he come over and say hi! I didn't respond, he later texted and said I guess you're mad. Again I didn't respond. The next morning someone called me and I stepped out for a short while, upon my return something told me to drive in the back way, I pulled up out of his sight but he was in front of my building. Yet again trying to get in with dead keys. He called my mom and yelled about the changed locks again. The next day he calls my mom and says he must come by to pick up a box of surround sound speakers, she says no, she will bring them. He again insists No! Well we drop them off at his porch anyway. He goes off on my my mom telling her we all have to get out of the apartment immediately. He's calling his brother and on and on. I then went to the court house and filed a restraining order. His brother came looking for me, of course he didn't mention the damage he did to the door. I explained and his brother then got mad at him and demanding payment for the door. Now the thing is I'm $300 short for paying my rent, I had to tell his brother I'll have it on the 15th. He wasn't happy and says he's filing eviction procedures against me. But he says if it is paid all the proceedings will stop. I shouldn't have any problem on the 15th, but I hope he does cease the eviction filings. Now, the reason I filed the restraining order is because he became violent, destroyed things in the apartment and would not give me a shred of respect for my personal space and wanted to control my every move. I just don't get how in his mind I'm to blame for the breakup. Does he not see his behavior? I don see how we can both perceive this so differently. I know this is ling but I really needed to get this out of my mind and off my chest. I think if I loved him, I'd be missing him after 7 days, but I don't. I'm not in love anymore, not even in like.
LadyHawke68 LadyHawke68
46-50, F
3 Responses May 6, 2012

So he was using your email account? What a bust!<br />
<br />
I suspect people with the problem of lacking empathy would see your behaviour as odd - because they wouldn't understand your multiple responsibilities. A bit like Altzheimers patients telling the same jokes over and over - not a problem for them....just those around them!

I'm sorry, I'm not getting what you mean by him seeing my behavior as odd. Don't have to sugar coat it, I can looking at myself, I feel like the only way to change things about ourselves is to acknowledge it, see where we are wrong and change it, so sock it to me, hahaha!

Woops! I didn't mean that you had anything to adjust! Most of humanity would see your actions as perfectly reasonable. I try to see the world through other peoples' eyes. Someone who lacked empathy could quite reasonably feel like: I've taken care of the shopping and we're back in our little nest that I set up for us with my brother's help. Now it's time for some fun with my favourite girl. ( ignoring your possible embarrassment over your mum and son being in the next room and feeding needs). Your refusal after all he did (spent the day shopping and going places and paying) might seem puzzling and ungrateful. Typical self absorbed teen thinking. I'm not trying to give you an excuse to see him again, and don't want to change your feelings for him by this. It was more a theoretical comment I was making in general about everyone's behaviour making sense *to them* even if it looks crazy to others.

p.s. I'm not saying you were self-delusional by the way... ;-)

LadyHawk, we all see things through the filter of our own perspective. The differences you've experienced come about through un-stated expectations, assumptions, belief systems etc and self delusion.<br />
<br />
Just as you've taken time to see the real 'him', and the down sides to having to rely on someone like him, he hasn't been seeing or hearing the real 'you'.<br />
<br />
It sounds like your experience was that he was being helpful and friendly and doing what a lover should - assisting you to get on your feet and find stable, affordable accommodation. Your expectations were that he should respect your need for focus, responsibilities to your son and mother and sometimes for privacy too (not unreasonable in my view).<br />
<br />
It seems to me (in my biased view) that he thought that being his girlfriend meant that you should have him as your main focus whenever he wanted it. That paying money for things bought him the extras that the relationship is expected to provide. I doubt he would have appreciated it much if the roles were reversed. If you demanded his attention and efforts when he was busy, or more likely, his money when he had other important uses for it..... ;-)<br />
<br />
It sounds like he doesn't have much empathy, and sees money as a way to get what he wants.<br />
<br />
I hope the brother treats you more fairly and with empathy as a landlord.<br />
<br />
Best of luck.

I got a real eye opening email today, apparently he took some woman to ECONOLODGE a town over the day after I filed the protective order. They emailed me a customer satisfaction survey this morning. So, it's further proof that he had another on back up. All the accusations and insinuations, all the constant checking on me, truly was because he was guilty of it. I'm not all broken up over it, I just finally have unarguable proof of his low life behavior. I think I just feel resolve. I'm just fully looking forward to what life will bring without reservation. Thanks, once again, for your insight into things. I do appreciate it. (((HUGS)))

Also, your comment on empathy, I have on other occasions myself, noticed that he was and is unable to put himself into what others might be feeling. I mean, I also noticed he never expressed any empathy towards anyone. I think that's sad.