I Just Can't Take It!

We tried the friend thing. My heart is still as raw and red as a babboon's *** with open festering wounds. He tells me about the girls- Eve, Court, Nicky, Bree.. I'm ok - I'm cool with it. We're friends. I CAN DEAL WITH IT! I smile.. tease.. even though I suppress the tears, the anguish, the agonising PAIN.. I figured - work on the pain as time goes by.. take it one step at a time. He's moving on.. I'll move on too.. every single time I tried to leave, he came back. He says - Let's be friends.. it feels empty without you.. I miss you. I'll always be here.. I love u – maybe not in the way you want me to but I love you so much. I care! ..

I’m soft.. I soften at his words.. I melt.. I cry. I GIVE IN and I come back. I get so touched.. even though DEEP DOWN in the deepest trenches - I KNOW that it's all a bunch of B S! I'm a void filler to him. But, a girl can hope. A girl can dream.. especially when this girl is still SO IN LOVE! I don't know how to stop. I suck it up because we were friends first. And that friendship meant the WORLD to me!.. Then this new girl comes along.. Sarah - apparently she was Tom's girl.

HE calls me, says let's hang, watch something together. I say ok sure. And he gets distracted talking to someone on FB. I see his smile and think awww probably some other girl. I sucked it up and asked aww some hot chic? And he goes COLD on me. Avoids the question. I hated it! He could tell me about the other girls, so what's with the sudden secrecy? So I decided to leave, because there's no respect for me. I knew this was probably more. HE admits he likes her a lot.. calls her a sweetheart and a F**king lovely person. Fine so be it. I smiled, because ok, so he likes someone. So be it. I can take it and I awwed him and said ok, and to just be upfront like he was with me about other girls. HE then says he was afraid to hurt me - clearly this was something more... and then HE speaks of her so fondly with a tenderness. HE said “poor girl Tom does not appreciate her”.

I was stumped… my heart hit the floor. She’s so lucky. He can see what an amazing person she is. He’s there to give her love where Tom couldn’t.
I lost it..what about me? Did he not see me? After all I've done to support him through ALL his BS.. and being there day in day out and giving all I’ve got, HE does not see me. I'm invisible! He sees right through me! HE can appreciate other girls whose boyfriends treat them badly. So then, what about him? In the end, what I got from him is self-esteem issues.. self-hatred, a BROKEN heart and a CRUSHED soul.

I told him TO STOP calling me, to lose my number. It's the last straw.. when I tried to leave to get over the break up, he "accidentally" calls or emails me and sends me texts telling me how BRILLIANT I am and how sweet and what a pure loving angel I am. If I'm ALL THAT, then why did HE STOP loving me? Why did HE make me feel like I was not good enough for him. Why did say that I'm not someone he could be proud of or show off to his friends? What is the need to keep me around when I seem to be such a huge disappointment and a I’m just subpar ..unlike Sarah.

I continually tell him I need to heal.. yet he keeps coming back. How do I let go if he keeps hanging around? He doesn’t want me to begin with – SO WHY?!
I need space to FULLY stay away from him. Again I NEED TO HEAL.. GET OVER HIM…so I ended it. I officially ended it! It's pointless ending on a good note. When we do that, I want to keep going back to have more good times and he wants me around. Says he is too scared to not have me in his life. But WE NEED TO SAY GOODBYE. If I’m not good enough then leave me BE! Just leave me BE!

I want to be loved.. to be cared for, for my immense love to be reciprocated.. I don't want to be in the shadow forever... I can't watch HIM and keep my hurting and pining for him anymore. i NEED TO HEAL! .. It’s OVER…. It MUST BE OVER…
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 17, 2013

I think you have to close the door on his ability to contact you. Change your number, block his number, do whatever you have to do to keep from having contact. It is difficult when he is there and trying to contact you...because you want to talk and don't want to talk at the same time. You have to be strong to stop the contact regardless if he is trying to contact you or if you would want to contact him. Its the only way...believe me. I am four days into my break up and it hurts so much, but I can't reach out. I can't talk to him because it makes it harder to heal.

Thank you asadbutterfly

Just stay strong and heal...you'll be loved and cared for. You deserve it. :)