Just Ended My Relationship To Preserve My Self DignityFour days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. It was a painful and long-thought out process. After fourteen months together, the bad definitely outweighed the good. When I first met him, he lied to me and said his roommates didn't pay rent and they were only there as a favor to help them save money. He lives in Boston and I live in Florida where we met. He lied and said he visited Florida often (as he had a vacation home here) but that wasn't true either- he rarely came here. When I went to visit him, his roommates decided they didn't like me and as he was talking trash to me about them, it appeared he was doing the same about me. He would bring all these horrible things they were saying about me to me even when I told him it hurt my feelings and I didn't want to hear it and he almost seemed to be accusing me of absurd things they dreamt up. I got so infuriated and I must admit that I did go off. I am not saying that I was perfect or appropriate, because there were several times that I did yell and cuss after being totally disrespected and trying to talk rationally...which is bad, not how I want to behave and is a HUGE sign that it isn't working...however, we took a two month break over the summer while his crazy roommates moved out (it was a couple, the guy was shooting steriods and brandishing guns)
So we try again, and all the while, I am helping with his place down here- I would go there and tidy up in-between short rentals...on the premise that I would get a little money and we both win and it helps to pay off his place to our mutual future benefit. Of course, I never saw any money...and, he was always thrifty but it started to become ridiculous. We went on a trip to Las Vegas for my friend's wedding and a backpacking trip into the Grand Canyon, which I wanted to do, so I paid for all the equipment. He complained days before we were supposed to go and I told him that he had a choice, but he went and it seemed like we both had a lot of fun.
Then he began to become irritable. He always had a little bit of a mean streak (I attributed it to the Boston roughness)- he would make horrible comments about people, grumble and wish ill will on others and constantly would make these racial jokes (I am birracial) under the premise that he liked to get under my skin. At first, I just tried to be calm and guide him towards a kinder way to speak, but he would get under my sking and then I would go off.
At Thanksgiving he was cruel and careless. He was unhelpful and lazy. He was also mean and complained when I wanted to go out for our 1 year anniversary. He pouted and suggested a bar and I agreed hoping that if we went where he wanted that he would be nice and have fun. Instead, he had chose the bar because it was ladies' night and my drinks would be free. He then became angry when I ordered something not free.
Anyway, Christmas came and we had plans to go to my home state. Then my grandfather was struck by a car while walking in a parking lot and the holidays completely changed. As soon as we go word that he was in intensive care and may die, my ex began to say that he never wanted to go home with me to begin with. I was irritable and confused and barked that he didn't have to go. But he went and in front of my family and at the hospital, he was a supportive boyfriend. But as soon as we left, he was cold and mean and hateful. We got back to Florida and I got word that my grandfather was passing, so I got back in the car and drove thirteen hours on four hours of sleep, stayed in the hospital over night and was there when he passed the next day. A few hours later, I am back in my car and driving to Florida and I call my ex to tell him that I was sorry I had been so emotional (although, looking back, I had every reason to be) and he jumped on my weakness and began to yell at me about buying dinner a week earlier. I got mad and said that he hadn't once asked me how I was, not once put his arms around me to comfort me as the man that raised me laid dying...he never consoled me or showed me compassion and hadn't kissed me since the first day he had arrived for our vacation. He then told me that he had no compassion or passion for me because he looked at his credit card bill and got mad everytime and had been mad ever since our trip to Las Vegas that had cost him $600 (believe me, my cost for that trip was four times that), and that he had resented me for months and that he wasn't going to ask me how I felt because he knew the answer and he didn't want to talk about that...this was at six at night as I faced a thirteen hour drive home, hours after my grandfather had passed... you would think that was the last straw. It really was, but it took awhile for it to settle in. Meanwhile, he becomes even more obsessive about money and so he called me to tell me that he wasn't coming to see me in February as he had promised because he wanted to make more money doing side work instead and then I heard him...he was having diarrhea and grunting on the phone and that was it. I slammed the phone down and the next morning texted him that I was through. I could write a dozen more details but I think you get the drift...and I get sad, and I am down, but everytime I remember all of this, I do feel a little better.