My Letter to Him

 

This note is very serious we are at the end of what we have built or at the beginning of something stronger and better, but it’s going to take both of us, you really need to wake up, your effort is weak and I don’t feel like you really want to fight for this. I feel like you want me back b/c you want Addie there and you don’t want to do it all by yourself, financially, everything and I’m not going to stay w/ you just for that. I stayed a lot b/c I thought I could never make it on my own, but Darci has a spare bedroom and until I can get on my feet she said I’m welcome to be there as long as I want to be.             You’ve always pulled through for me when I needed you to, always made up the difference for what you did wrong and you may have had to swallow your pride, but that is what made it work that’s not a bad part, your pride is what is standing in the way of my desire to be close to you. I can’t take being rejected or ignored anymore and I’m not going to. This was a big step for me and it took a lot not to turn around, and I even thought that you would go to Robies and get your moms car and come after us, every car that went by for 2 hours I thought maybe it would be you coming to take us back home, if it was my love for you leading me I would have held you until you felt how much I loved you and I got some tears (for Addie) and some little “I don’t want you to go” This is a lot bigger than that you don’t have to buy me anything. I don’t want anything but for you to let your wall down and let me in and if you don’t want me there then let me go. I will never keep your daughter away from you, you’re a wonderful father and a great provider, we have no spiritual or emotional connection anymore and without that we are dead. I cannot change you, just like you cannot change me, but you won’t open your heart to me you’ve been closed off for so long that we have died as a couple but maintained a life together for the sake of convenience. If you just can’t do it, I ‘m going to have to make this permanent. A lot of my pain and depression comes from waiting on you to wake up and come closer to me, I’m so tired of waiting, life is too short to keep living like this. For the most part we appear to be a very loving couple, but deep down in my heart I hurt deeply from your rejection and disgust for me…I’m sorry if I made you that way, but if you can’t get past it to forgive me and try again to love me like you used to, I’m officially breaking up and moving out.!             I love you, I will always love you you are the love of my life and to walk away from you seems so ridiculous b/c I’m crazy about you, but if that love is not mutual it becomes the most painful thing I have ever experienced and that pain makes me bitchy towards you, b/c I feel like I have to guard myself to keep myself from getting hurt. I’m not guarding anymore if it hurts I’ll heal, but I’m not going to harden my heart and act like I don’t want something just b/c it makes you feel uncomfortable, really what’s the point of being together? I wanted to come home tonight but I can’t this took a lot of strength and I don’t see it getting resolved anytime soon. You’re efforts are weak the note was nice but short and dry just like everything else it has no passion or feeling it’s shallow and does not make it better. I appreciate the thought, but you remember the night I went home w/ Santos and you came by my house knocking on my door, ran down to the bar to catch me and explain….that Tyler the one that would stop at nothing to keep me…he’s the one I miss…..if you no longer feel that way then let me go b/c I’m not happy w/ this relationship anymore and I will not be the happy bouncy Kim until I feel like you are in love w/ me which you made clear that you were not and now I have come to a dead end. Life is too short and I don’t care about all the stupid details except for the ones that involve the happiness of everyone in this family. Lukewarm feelings and a relationship that has faded or has become devoid of meaning is not what I want. What I want is something concrete (engagement) ( commitment) a new and renewed passion, preferably w/ you!   Love Kim This note is very serious we are at the end of what we have built or at the beginning of something stronger and better, but it’s going to take both of us, you really need to wake up, your effort is weak and I don’t feel like you really want to fight for this. I feel like you want me back b/c you want Addie there and you don’t want to do it all by yourself, financially, everything and I’m not going to stay w/ you just for that. I stayed a lot b/c I thought I could never make it on my own, but Darci has a spare bedroom and until I can get on my feet she said I’m welcome to be there as long as I want to be.             You’ve always pulled through for me when I needed you to, always made up the difference for what you did wrong and you may have had to swallow your pride, but that is what made it work that’s not a bad part, your pride is what is standing in the way of my desire to be close to you. I can’t take being rejected or ignored anymore and I’m not going to. This was a big step for me and it took a lot not to turn around, and I even thought that you would go to Robies and get your moms car and come after us, every car that went by for 2 hours I thought maybe it would be you coming to take us back home, if it was my love for you leading me I would have held you until you felt how much I loved you and I got some tears (for Addie) and some little “I don’t want you to go” This is a lot bigger than that you don’t have to buy me anything. I don’t want anything but for you to let your wall down and let me in and if you don’t want me there then let me go. I will never keep your daughter away from you, you’re a wonderful father and a great provider, we have no spiritual or emotional connection anymore and without that we are dead. I cannot change you, just like you cannot change me, but you won’t open your heart to me you’ve been closed off for so long that we have died as a couple but maintained a life together for the sake of convenience. If you just can’t do it, I ‘m going to have to make this permanent. A lot of my pain and depression comes from waiting on you to wake up and come closer to me, I’m so tired of waiting, life is too short to keep living like this. For the most part we appear to be a very loving couple, but deep down in my heart I hurt deeply from your rejection and disgust for me…I’m sorry if I made you that way, but if you can’t get past it to forgive me and try again to love me like you used to, I’m officially breaking up and moving out.!             I love you, I will always love you you are the love of my life and to walk away from you seems so ridiculous b/c I’m crazy about you, but if that love is not mutual it becomes the most painful thing I have ever experienced and that pain makes me bitchy towards you, b/c I feel like I have to guard myself to keep myself from getting hurt. I’m not guarding anymore if it hurts I’ll heal, but I’m not going to harden my heart and act like I don’t want something just b/c it makes you feel uncomfortable, really what’s the point of being together? I wanted to come home tonight but I can’t this took a lot of strength and I don’t see it getting resolved anytime soon. You’re efforts are weak the note was nice but short and dry just like everything else it has no passion or feeling it’s shallow and does not make it better. I appreciate the thought, but you remember the night I went home w/ Santos and you came by my house knocking on my door, ran down to the bar to catch me and explain….that Tyler the one that would stop at nothing to keep me…he’s the one I miss…..if you no longer feel that way then let me go b/c I’m not happy w/ this relationship anymore and I will not be the happy bouncy Kim until I feel like you are in love w/ me which you made clear that you were not and now I have come to a dead end. Life is too short and I don’t care about all the stupid details except for the ones that involve the happiness of everyone in this family. Lukewarm feelings and a relationship that has faded or has become devoid of meaning is not what I want. What I want is something concrete (engagement) ( commitment) a new and renewed passion, preferably w/ you!   Love Kim  
deleted deleted
26-30
Feb 26, 2009