I Feel Broken....again.....

I am and have been afraid to share my thoughts with the world because it somehow makes them all more real. And I feel like I have been doing my very best to live in denial for so long now. But...here goes.
About a year ago, my husband and I were in a very bad place within our marriage and he cheated on me. He was sneaking around with a 19-year old girl (he is 28) behind my back for 2 months or longer. Even though our marriage was a complete disaster, I always believed that it was just me and him and that he would always love me too much to ever do that to me. Well the moment I realised I was wrong about that hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt like I walked around for days unable to catch my breath. As time went on, he kept admitting to more and more things. He thought he was in love with her and left me one night openely to go see her. He left crying me crying, broken in pieces on the stairs as he walked out of our house to go see her. As time went on, it got so bad between us that he ended up in jail and with her permanently. I was left feeling like My world had been ripped away from me and like I never really nknew him at all. There had been a long history of physical and emotional abuse from him and I think somewhere along the way I began to abuse him emotionally as well. I hated him in the end. I hated him for everything he had put me through and all the pieces of me he had taken. We remained separated for months but he still contacted me almost daily. He wanted me back but would constantly lie about letting go of this girl. He has lied and made false promises os much that when he talks, all I hear is bullshit. After months of him swearing it was over and trying to convince me to come back and that he was different, I did. I relunctantly moved back in to our house and gave in to my need to be with him. The physical abuse has compltetely stopped but even the reason for that makes me angry. He does not want to go back to jail, he is only protecting himself. It was great for awhile. I missed him so deeply that being back together was like a high for awhile. But lately....it has felt like a hellish prison with new pain that feels like the repitition of old wounds.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 19, 2013