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I Build Walls Around My Heart

I Don't Have A Wall - I Have A Titanium Shield

By: shizukaninagasu
Written on January 25th, 2011
I have felt lonely and abandoned for as long as I can remember. I have friends, but only one that's really close to my heart and knows my true feelings. I don't necessarily have a hard time making friends, but it's gotten harder and harder for me to really open up to them.  I have gotten used to using my demeanor to keep everyone away; I frown and scowl a lot. This is not what I want at all, but it's one of the few ways I know how to protect myself from hurt.  Romantic relationships are even more difficult. If someone claims to like me, I don't believe them, and once they can convince me, I push them away, either directly or indirectly. In my last relationship, I was able to open up a little bit, but soon after made the decision to end the closeness by breaking up with the person. I now see that this was a precipitous decision that I could have gone several different and more productive ways about; I felt I was too vulnerable. I ran away. To make matters worse, I realized that I was actually in love with the person, but I don't know if they have even remotely considered the possibility of reuniting...
To this day, I feel like no one is or will ever understand me or love me for who I am.
By: shizukaninagasu
Age: 18-21 , Female
322 people have read this story

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3 responses
  • LovelessDeluxe
    LovelessDeluxe

    I think you will be fine. You've loved someone who loved you back. You had that, you just weren't ready for it. It's very possible for that to happen again. I, on the otherhand, can't even do that! I'm the ice princess that no one wants to be with. I'm lucky to even have any friends. Really...

    Mar 2, 2011
    1 like
  • shizukaninagasu
    shizukaninagasu

    I have a few true friends, but I can really only be sure I'll hang onto one of them far into my life. Lately I've started realizing that I can no longer pretend in some areas of my life; I can no longer remain silent. Part of the reason I hate high school is that everyone is so petty and gossips a lot, but most of all that everyone is so mean to each other who's not in their in-group. It's the stupidest thing I've ever witnessed; I often end up befriending the underdogs anyway, who usually prove to be far more interesting than the "cool" crowd. So, I'm on my way as far as that goes, but the core still remains a bit...well, sometimes, I get this feeling like my heart is falling backward, piece by piece into a black, icy hole. It's a cold, searing feeling, like I swallowed a piece of dry ice. That's how painful the loneliness gets.

    Jan 30, 2011
    1 like
  • starynight1102
    starynight1102

    Luckily you're young so this is definitely something you can change. By your age group I'm assuming you're in high school and I can tell you from experience that no one is themselves in high school. That is a time where everyone tries to adjust themselves to fit into some unrealistic mold so they are accepted. I've talked about it with my friends and we all agree that we were ourselves in high school but just not to the full extent. Therefore, I think you just need time to find yourself and find people that you can truly connect with. I didn't believe it until I entered college myself but it's really true that you will lose your friends from high school and the true friends that you have for life you will meet in college.



    Hope this helps a little!

    Jan 26, 2011
    1 like