Desperate Measures

I am one of those people that are the last on someones mind as one who would hurt themselves. I burn myself, not all the time, not everyday, not even every week. I have even gone months without doing it, but I constantly find myself lying in bed with a bobby pin or clip between my fingers and the thought in my mind that this is the only way to escape the feelings and emotions that plague me, even if it only a temporary oasis. Often times i can sit there without doing a thing, just flashing the lighter on and off and watching the flame, and if I push myself, strive and pray for will power - then i go to bed without hurting myself. But days - weeks - like the one I am going through now I find myself in bed twirling whatever between my fingers and hoping i have enough strength this time to say my prayers and go to bed with out the inflammations and signs of some of the most desperate measures one can reach to on my thigh. I understand why I do this. My life is run by expectations set by myself and others. Run by the thought of how my little sister surpasses me in beauty, intelligence, personality, and love. Stress consumes me daily and when i am stressed i become angry and analytical of the things around me - of myself - and how much there is wrong with this self of mine. These past few days it has been an even more common thought, and I feel it is just time that I am going to break.

rae