UnavoidableYou know those things you write with? The fancy mechanical pencils with the springs and whatnot inside? Those are my weapon of choice. I break open the pencil and take out the middle. To make sure it won't break, i heat up the end of the plastic and melt it just enough to stick the spring back in. Then, i heat the spring on a candle flame. I don't want to brand myself, so i touch it to a piece of plastic first. That way it's cooled down a little bit before it hits my arm. The tingling-burning-numbing feeling keeps me focused, and im so engrossed in what i'm doing i don't have time to feel emotional pain. I can't even get that kind of distraction through writing. Maybe its because i'm a writer, and my mind spews out words so fast i have time to think ahead as my fingers try to keep up. What ever it is, burning is the only thing that gives me release from this mental tempest i'm stuck inside. And before any of you say anything about what has burning ever helped?-- or anything about the 'permanent scars,'-- let me explain.
What it has helped: Me. I feel better after i burn. I'm a masochist, so the physical pain doesn't bother me in the least. I feel refreshed, like i just woke up from a power-nap. When i burn, i don't think. When i don't think, i don't hurt. It helps me feel... new.
The scars: I don't keep the spring hot enough to scar more than a month at a time. I always wait a few weeks in between burning sessions to make sure my scars don't accumulate. At any given time, however, i'll have twenty or so fading scars along my arm or the top of my leg. But if i were to stop, you would never know i burned in the first place.
I want to stop, but i can't think of any alternatives that would be just as whole and fulfilling as this. Help?