Everyone finds different ways to heal.

We broke up and I erased pictures and videos, so as to not torture myself remembering what I so dearly loved and lost. I cut off my hair and joined the gym yet again, in desperate hopes of feeling better about myself and my new reality. I made a list of new goals that I could achieve with work and concentration, to keep me busy every moment of the day. I didn’t want time to think. I didn’t want to see depression when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t want to have something to hold on to that might become an obstacle for moving forward. And before I knew it 2 weeks had gone by and I was feeling perfectly fine even if I’d just experienced the most painful loss of my short yet intense 23 years. All it took was one song to snap me out of my delightful trance, though. It didn’t even make a difference that I was surrounded by a dozen strangers. It took me back in time and suddenly there was no possible way to run from the heart ache. I cried for the first time since I lost the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Two weeks after the last good bye, I just broke into an uncontrollable sob and I understood that I can’t just erase feelings, and I can’t cut off the moments we shared together. And I certainly can’t occupy myself enough to not miss him, he was after all in every single vision I had of the future. So much love, where could it possibly go? How could I be so stupid to think it would not come back and haunt me? And it’s inevitably over. Getting him back isn’t the point, because for a long time I was unhappy and he was elsewhere. I have to be honest and say that I wanted out. I was lonely. I was tired of his instability and his fear of taking risks. He wanted everything to be a certain way and I am much more practical. So, yes, I loved him, but I was tired of our relationship, and I had been carrying on because I was sure that there was something there worth making sacrifices for, and because he would be and excellent father someday, and because he’s got so many wonderful qualities… and because I made him a promise and that meant everything to me. The thing is that as soon as he felt me flinch he gave up. When I heard him say “… the best thing is to part our ways…” I was shocked and strangely relieved. It hurt so much but it also felt Ok. It made me sick but it also made me better. It was just one of those moments in life where you just can’t understand your emotions, let alone say them out loud. I honestly thought I was fine, because this is what I wanted, in part. And then that song, the first song that was so special to us. It made me remember how much fear I felt when we first kissed three years ago. Fear of that immense, uncontrollable feeling that seemed to grow beyond all odds and was as real and vital as the blood that kept me alive. Even though everything was so impossibly complicated I loved him fiercely during three entire years. And I don’t know how I to stop, even without the pictures or the long hair or the ring on my finger… But I’m glad I’ve lived and learned this. I’m confused; both scared and excited with this moment in my life to start over and do things differently. I’m hopeful. But I can’t fool myself, I’m not fine, I’m not healed… But I want to be. And therefore I will…
atwarwithmyself atwarwithmyself
4 Responses Mar 28, 2009

you can do this...good luck to you and God bless you always!

For a second I thought this was my ex-fiancee writing this...but i know it's not... I wish she felt this way... 'cause I am dying alone...and she's out there ready to live her new life...

Thank you for the support :)

Yes good luck and may you find peace and happiness soon.