It Has Shaped My Personality.

When I was little, two different guys Mom was with had tried to kill me. One was my biological father. It was tough accepting that my dad never wanted me. The other tried to kill Mom, my brother, and me, so I do not take it quite so personally.
I continued visiting my dad until I was twelve. He never really was around. He worked and slept. So, my stepmom and stepsisters were who I normally saw. The one around my age hung around me the whole time and I had to stay in her room while visiting. Whenever I would go to her room, she would shut the door and start beating me senseless. I never fought back because it would not do me any good. They would not care about what she did and blame me. So, I had a plethora of bruises on all parts of my arms and legs. It hurt to even move my arm, let alone walk. But, I had to. Go outside and play. Go shopping with the stepmom and stepsisters. Pretend I do not hurt. Pretend to smile. Nothing was done. Nobody ever cared.
When I was seven, my fourteen year old cousin came down to visit. This incident changed my personality more than anything. He asked me if I wanted to go down to the basement of my granparents' house to play (nothing unusual with that...that was the hang out spot for me and all of my cousins). We went down there and he locked the door as soon as he shut it. Even at my young age, I felt an uneasy vibe appear in the room. So, he picked me up, threw me down on the bed that was there, and...yeah. I never told anyone until I was eleven. It does not bother me to talk about this one now, but I know this has changed my personality. I am very shy, never touch anyone, and flench if anyone, even my family or friends, tries to touch me. I slowly have gotten more and more shy, but I have always had a problem with people touching me since that incident. The other abuse has just progressed it (this incident with my cousin was the first major one that affected me, the others came after).
My brother is one you never would have guessed if you knew him now. This one I have never talked about because it bothers me so much. It bothers me because I really love my brother. When I was nine, my brother started going through puberty, which made him very agressive. I was his target for his agression. One word was all it took for him to begin pounding away with killing intent in his eyes. My Mom never did anything. Just watched me scream. I would lay numb after with tears down my eyes. Sometimes, he would start back again. It is a miracle I was able to pick myself up later. Mom even admitted she is shocked I lived. Mom would lie to people when they asked about my freaky bruises and why I looked like I hurt when I walked even though I had a smile. The worst I recall was when we were in a car. I said something that set him off and he slammed me into the window and hit me so hard and fast. I only ended up okay because Mom's boyfriend was there. He stopped the car when he was able to and held him back. I never saw such killing intent in his eyes before. My Mom sat there emotionless, like she could care less. She just sat there. Now, my brother and I are friends who get along better than most siblings. He is a very nice person- one of the nicest I know. But, I still get terrified when he is angry. I am afraid he will get so angry that he will beat me again, since he still throws things when he is angry.
I also get verbally abused by my family. Mom, my uncle, grandma, and grandpa are the ones that do. Despite doctors and friends saying I am very skinny, they constantly make harsh comments about me being fat, which does not help me keep from starving myself. My grandpa and Mom also critisize me saying they wonder how I have friends and all of that. Mom also told me once that she would kill herself if she was me. Mom treats me based on her mood, so it confuses me on how she really feels. One day she acts like she loves me, the next she does not act like it.
Mom also has neglected some. Some weeks I would hardly see her. She would get up, go straight to work, go hang out with friends, then go straight to bed, if she even came home. I remember speaking two sentences between the two of us within a few days of time.
They constantly treat me like I am a terrible person. I always try to be nice, even to those I do not like, because I cannot stand hurting anyone. I try to be nice, but this makes me think I fail them. Sometimes, it makes me think I deserve it.
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2 Responses Dec 29, 2011

I read your story and am very glad you were able to express it. You seem to realize that other people's problems are not yours. It soulds also like you are really trying to be a good sport and make the best of it. If you can support and love yourself (as an outsider would recommend) you can drift clear of negative influences and find positive support and real love. I hope the emotional and physical sides of you will once again converge so that you will welcome touch and love. Mike

I'm really sorry you have to deal with those abusing and frightening feeling when you was kid. <br />
I can't say I can relate with what you feel, because I'm not in your shoes. But I wholeheartedly wish that you someday your wound (both psychical and mentally) would heal, it takes times, but it will. <br />
You are amazing person and of course you worthy of love, everybody does. You have horrible past, but future holds a lot of beautiful present for you to unwrap. <br />
Everything will be okay, take care.<br />

You're welcome. Talk is one good start to forgive and finally heal