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Emotionally and Physically Abusive Childhood

my younger brother and i came from a very abusive childhood....emotional neglect from a mother who gave us up ot her mother...and a father we moved in with when i was 8 and he was 6...he got us on weekends...and he was split up with my mother early on...he physically abused my mother and emotionally abused her also..we were terrified of him all the time...always worrying about when he came home and what kind of mood he was in...if we forgot to do something or if he was drunk again...been kicked, punched, smaked, all that crap...but the verbal was what hurt me as a child and teenager..i was a shy kid...and was scared...and as a teenager i hated myself allready...i felt i didn;t fit in...and was jealous of others and their upbringing..and what seemed to be a happy family life with normal problems...he really had a big affect on my self esteem..and it was already low...i never felt like i could amount to what he wanted out of me....he controlled us, belittled us, scared us with his extremely dangerous temper, he lied to us constantly, told us he was ashamed of us, ashamed to call us his sons,...he always treated us like that and then will try anmd make up to us...and cry to us how he was sorry...and it was because of other reasons that he treated us like that years later when he was drunk and smothered in guilt...of courswe like a battered wife or girlfriend would do...they would have the hope of change and still love him...and forgiveness..which i've done....to this day he ignores my calls because i try to have a relationship with my birthmother as he puts it and him...they absolutely hate each other...my brother doesn't even speak with him..not since he was 17...i continued speaking with him aND TRYING TO HAVE SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM IN HOPES OF IT GETTING BETTER...I STILL CAN'T GIVE UP..HE IS STILL VERY IMPORTANT TO ME AND MY LIFE...THERE ARE GOOD ATTRIBUTES TO HIM AND HE DID TRY To INSTILL IN US A LOT OF POSITIVE....I GUESS HE RAISED US THE BEST HE COULD....OF COURSE HE WAS ABUSED AND NEGLECTED AS A CHILD..BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT IS A VALID EXCUSE FOR IT CONTINUING ALL THE YEARS...sorry....but..i am so lost with how he won't answer my calls when i've made amends for my part....and told him i love him still....he still means a lot...because i know him more than anyone else...and have had talks with him when he cried and cried to me...and he feels guilt at least...he has remorse at least....i am so confused...my whole family tells me to stay away from him and not call him ever again....i just can't do that...he is an important part of me....no matter good or bad...

michaelojibwa michaelojibwa 36-40, M 6 Responses Jun 13, 2009

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thanks....my brother actually left at 17 and doesn't involve him in his life either...i must be the stupid one...still wanting a good father son relationship?

I understand what you went through. I spent the first seventeen years of my life having the **** kicked out of me by my dad.<br />
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My advice might be a litlle harsh, but this is how I got away.<br />
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When I turned seventeen, I got emancipated, moved to a different city, and cut all ties with my family. I ignore their calls, and won't even speak to them if I see them in public. <br />
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It hurt, but breaking away the parts of myself that told me to go back, to forgive him, to be in that place, helped to keep me motivated on staying away.<br />
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Since then, things have been as close to peaceful as I've ever known.<br />
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I guess what I'm saying is once you're out, don't look back. Treat him like an infection, cut it away, before it can cause more harm.

It's a very hard situation because it's very natural to want to have a relationship with your father, and it's hard when you can't have that, especially when there's so many others that do have decent relationships with their families. I know for myself, after years of trying to get closer, getting burned, staying away for years, I've learned to balance what works for me. <br />
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Maybe you should take this time to focus on you and your personal growth and focus on what's good for you and who you want to be now and in the future.

well you do have to decide for yourself on that matter nobody can do it for you. My opinion, some people are just not worth it and they are not capable of loving you the way they should. It's bad energy in your life and something that will always keep getting you down, so maybe it would be better to live your life without him. I know it's easier said than done to move on because he is your dad. Just the decision I made myself. All the best for you.

thanks for the comment...i know...he is very controlling....and is hard to deal with....i haven't talked with him in a few months

Of course he is a big part of you, he set the mold for how you grew up. Keep talking to him, but be a stronger person don't let him tell you what to do, and don't feel sorry for him. Have him in your life as a new person but don't depend on him.