Finally Came Out...sort Of

After years of self-hatred, guilt, fear and loneliness I decided to come out to a friend of mine. She is one of my best friends from school. Anyway. this happened about a month ago when I went on holiday to London with this friend and a week earlier I told her that I was going to reveal something about me that might shock her. She's very curious so she  wanted me to tell her right then and there; But I wanted to do this when I was as far away from home as possible. The first night we got there we had just unpacked and were preparing to go to bed (she's a girl and I'm a guy and we were going to sleep in the same bed, weird I know) and she reminded me about my "confession". I was hoping that she had forgotten about it but no such luck. I started thinking that it wouldn't be such a good idea to tell her on the first day of the holiday; what if coming out to her would ruin the entire holiday? I told her that I would tell her on the last day of our 10-day holiday, but she wouldn't give in. She kept bugging me and telling me to spit it out and I came close to telling her but each time I felt completely incapable of admitting it. It was really weird cos I knew that I wanted to say it, I had weighed the pros and cons of coming out and understood the importance of doing this but after so many years hiding it, I just couldn't say it! So she started throwing guesses at what it might be that I had to tell her. She asked me if I was doing drugs, if I was an alcoholic, she even asked me if I had killed someone! Finally she asked if I was gay and I said "Yes". For about 10 seconds she didn't say anything... it was so terrifying because I didn't know how she would react. And then she was like "that's it? I thought you were going to say something that would shock me". I felt so unimaginably relieved! It was such a liberating feeling finally letting another human being know about it. However I really wished that she was a bit more supportive. She told me that I was over-exaggerating the whole thing and that it was stupid of me to sacrifice so many years trying to be someone I'm not and to get over it already. I understood what she meant. I feel guily for having wasted away a huge chunk of my youth being miserable and alone...but at the same time I understand the risks of coming out in my country. I live in a small and very conservative country and so many things can go wrong if people find out that I'm gay. For a long time I couldn't accept my sexuality because I was told that being gay was a sin and I knew that if I "gave in" to my sexuality I'd never have a family of my own. This is still something that hasn't changed about the country I live in but I have now accepted the possibility of leaving and trying to make a life somewhere away from here. I have accepted who I am and I know exactly what would make me happy and I'm going to work on reaching my happiness.

There, that's my coming out story. Writing it down gave me a certain feeling of closure. This is something that I wanted to do for so long and I did it :) thanks for reading.

adrianm adrianm
22-25, M
9 Responses Feb 17, 2010

It seems that you are writing my story. HUGS!

Congratulation! you'd escaped that.this was very comfortable.im gay too.make friend,ok?

Congratulation! you'd escaped that.this was very comfortable.im gay too.make friend,ok?

Congratulation! you'd escaped that.this was very comfortable.im gay too.make friend,ok?

Congratulation! you'd escaped that.this was very comfortable.im gay too.make friend,ok?

I loved your story .<br />
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And I wish you best of lucks . I'm so glad your friend reacted that way to your coming out . <br />
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anyways stay strong ;P

I am very glad that you finally managed to get such a huge thing off your chest and for it to have been well-received. I actually found ti kinda funny that she said "that's it?" Because to her it meant so little that you were gay and she still just saw you as her dear friend.<br />
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I came out pretty late too so i understand how you feel when it comes to feeling like we wasted a big chunk of our lives. But the way I have come to view it - I love who I am. It has taken me a long time to be able to say that and mean it. But I realize that I would not be who I am today if I didn't go through the things that I did and come out at the time that I had. Though our pasts feel a bit empty, we must learn to at least look back and see what we gained as far as the exploration of the "self" while we were in that darker period of our lives.<br />
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I wish you the best!

Thanks :)

I LIKED THIS:)