Duality of Man.

It has always been a constant battle for me. One moment, I am reflective, soft and caring. Humble. An all around good man to be around. The next instant, I can be an arrogant jerk. Who pushes loved ones away, makes comments that are disrespectful, hurts people. Being arrogant and humble has it plus/minus factors. Not all good or bad. There is a time for both, I suppose. I have never been able to wrangle when was the best time for either, unfortunately.

My arrogance has cost me plenty. Relationships, friends, jobs, money, chances. Mainly, because arrogance is a cover for fear, and vulnerability, often times.

I like to think that when I am not being an arrogant jerk with a loud mouth, that people still like me, or even love me. Despite all my faults and tendencies, the fear and insecurity govern a lot of how I act. Hence the arrogance.

My humble nature is odd to watch and life through. This clear understanding that I am nothing more than a man, living and trying in the grand scope of the world, is...well...it makes one humble when you put things into perspective. Do I make an impact? Do I matter to anyone? Who cares of this modest person that is me? Can you separate my jerk-like qualities and see me for who I really am? Filled with humility and standing in the abyss waiting for you to put out your hand and say grab.

Odd thing to be so audacious and yet so marginalized. Arrogant and humble. Brave yet scared. Willing and shattered. The best and worst of me. What you want, and what you hate.

EricS EricS
36-40, M
5 Responses Mar 3, 2009

I am discovering alot about myself. And I think I am too hard on myself. I am arrongant, and self absorbed, but I do not disrespect people outwardly, but I might think stupid shYt. For now, I keep it to myself. But I think u are human, with flaws like everyone else. Sounds like to me, u had to protect yourself at an early age, had to be on guard, defend yourself, etc. Me too. My attitude have not cost me anyone in my life, I know when to calm it down. But my 'bad' side is me, like my good 'side'. I think age matures u, and it has me. Such battles, with the 'good' and 'bad' side will even out. <br />

I do accept those aspects of my flawed self, for sure. <br />
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Sometimes they come in handy dandy-like. Most of the time, not so much. <br />
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Thanks again folks.

Hmmm...combine it and you have harroagance. Not just Eric but Harry. Don't mind me, I'm just a little hungry and brain dead. Meh...I'm guilty of the same. Sometimes I say things just so people don't see what I am really feeling or thinking at the same time. Like a ruse. If I'm a jerk then my field of sensitivity is impenetrable. Or so I tell myself? Needs work...and maybe mustard...mmm...food...

Thank you for your kind words. It does not go unappreciated.

Wow....this hit home for me. I was very much like you when I was younger.