A Serpents Tongue

It’s scary how good I am. I’ve done it as long as I can remember. I only realized it when I was around 17. Thing started to make sense. Why none of my friends are friends, I keep them separate so they won’t go against me. Why I always seem to know what people are thinking and feeling.  I almost felt psychic but the thing is: I was and am constantly reading them. My mother was like my own personal trainer and I probably earned myself a black belt in manipulation when I was 6. I noticed everything she did, said and how she made every situation benefit her and I started using it myself. Everyone wanted to be my friend and everyone listened to me. And if someone was unlucky enough to cross me, they would end up getting frozen out and in worst case, hurt badly physical. This kept going from age 6 to15.
I remember this incidence when I was 10. I (and 6 others) had just beaten up a girl so badly she was bleeding all over (because I simply didn’t like her). The teacher was yelling at us and forcing us to apologize. I remember my friends sitting there, trembling, terrified while I felt nothing. No guilt, no fear, no nothing. The teacher was calling my friends name so she could get up and go apologize to the girl. I whispered to them not to go, not to apologize. They gazed from me to the teacher, terrified. Who should they listen to? The big man with the scary voice or the little skinny girl right next to them? They got up one by one and apologized, it was only me left. The teacher said my name again and again but I sat there, glaring at the wall. Suddenly the teacher grabs my arm and drags me up. ‘Say sorry! Can’t you see what you’ve done to her, apologize for God’s sake!’ I looked at her swollen face and all I felt was anger. I was angry at the teacher for grabbing me, I was angry at my friends for apologizing, I was angry at the girl for existing, I was just so angry at everything.
He shakes me, ‘say sorry!’ I look up at him before i shake my head, ‘no’.
‘No?’
‘No.’
He turns red. I can smell is anger and disbelief consuming him. I can see his pupils getting bigger, leaking darkness into the blue circle, his eyes turned black. He hates me. He hates everything I stand for and the bad things that I do. I was a horrible person and he knew it. He knew that my child appearance was a lie, for I was not a child, nor was I innocent. I was evil. I could have killed that girl, he knew that. He knew I knew. He knew I didn’t care, he knew I felt no remorse or sympathy. And we both knew that I could not feel such things. We shared a mutual secret, and I smiled. Not a big grin, not a laugh, or teeth, just the right corner of my mouth pointing ever so slightly up. Just a weak almost invisible smile only he would be able to see.
And here my memory goes black.
A couple years later my friend had to tell me what happened that day because I didn’t and still can’t remember. He had slammed me against the wall and then kicked me out of the classroom.
We never saw him again.
 
I am not a better person now then I was then. I am just less active. I still read people well, but I use it to help my friends with their problems. And yes I get it, most people reading this think that I changed for the better and bla bla, but fact is I do it because I gain respect.
I do however feel remorse now for the things I have done over the years have been done to me. Just a year after the incident, we moved to another town where I got new friends. I was on my way home with her when this guy known as a bully started to mock her and threaten her with a plastic knife. He told me that I was free to go, that his problem was with her. But I considered her as my ‘territory’ and knew if I helped her, she would be mine. So I told him several times to back off but he kept going, getting more aggressive with the plastic knife. Half-jokingly ‘stabbing’ her shoulder. I looked at her and told her that we should make him pay, he took a few steps back, suddenly realizing it was two against one. He panics and grabs this huge stick for protection. He hit me so hard across the face with it I almost fainted. My friend runs away and I got beaten up badly. That same friend ended up stealing from me, lying and getting me in trouble more than I can count on my fingers. She ended up making me pay for everything that I had done before to other people. I do believe in karma and I do believe I truly deserved everything that I got.  

But I cannot change who I am. Growing up I have become more paranoid than ever. I even have a list of people I know, their facial features, height, weight, pretty much everything about them. (I love making lists, kind of obsessed with it. I keep lists of everything.) I read everything from body language, to voice, to star sign, to name and birthdate (numerology), to face reading and also their palms. It feels good and safe to have that kind of control. It also feels arousing to have the power to clap your hands and make everything turn out the way you want.  
 
AviatorHH AviatorHH
18-21, F
1 Response May 21, 2012

there are alot of things to discover when growing up. can't learn it in a day. kids are mean thats all there is to it. each time i see kids hurting other kids i know its "part of growing up". i see how much all that happened when i was young has made me more compassionate and understanding. i know the fear. a cut/burn/brick. the humiliation. the loss. the regret. all this filthy waste, of time in my hands that i had to learn. and then i still had to figure it all out. what i figured out was honesty and forgiveness, sounds simple i know, but it sure isn't easy. we all figured different stuff out im not saying i got the answers to lifes great questions. im just letting you know that there are just to many of them out there to kill them all, so i had to co-exist. with good decisions my time will come, and i can breathe new life into my soul but for now its doing what it takes to be part of the human race.