Worrier

I have been very shy and quiet my whole life. I have always had trouble making friends and getting close to people and I still do. I never even been in a relationship before. I have been on very few dates, but not many. When I think about all of the years in elementary, middle, and high school I never had not one real friend. I was always very much to myself. I was sad; lonely, and I still am.

In high school I played basketball all 4 years and I ran track for 2 years, but I never could fit in with the teams because everyone was always very outgoing and talkative. I always felt very nervous and self-conscious around people so it was very hard for me. I have always wanted to be like them because they just seemed to enjoy themselves and they always seemed very happy. Some of my teammates would give me a hard time because they knew how shy and quiet I was and it was hard for me to speak up for myself or to be assertive. It really bothered me when they would give me a hard time, but I could not speak up for myself; I wanted to, but I guess I was worried about what my other teammates would say. I was afraid to say something; worrying about being embarrassed and judged. 

I even continued to play basketball on into college for 5 years and I went through the same things with my new teammates; giving me a hard time. I again had a hard time speaking up for  myself and I still do. Basketball was not even fun for me anymore because I felt I did not belong on the team. I always felt a whole lot of anxiety in practice and in the games. We had to travel as a team so we had to stay in hotels and eat at restaurants which was not fun for me because I did not have not one friend I could hang with on the team. I was very miserable to the point where I started to get depressed and I just did not want to be on the team, but I had to stay on the team because I was on a scholarship.

I am very lonely in my life and I am not as happy as I want to be. I worry a lot about my future. I worry about if I will find a career job that I can be successful in, will I get married and have kids some day, and will I ever be happy in my life in general. There is not one time in my life when I remember being completely happy.

babygirl12 babygirl12
22-25, F
3 Responses Jun 28, 2007

Have you tried getting some counseling; talking with a professional who can help you overcome. Please don't miss out on living your life anymore. Time passes much too quickly. You deserve to see and feel what life is about and what it has to offer. You can overcome your fear. Please think about getting some help. Don't waste anymore of you precious time to this fear. If you are talented enough to play basketball on a scholarship, think of how many other talents and wonderful qualities you are missing out on sharing with others.

i know how it feels.. i am scared of my shyness.... i feel like i am the odd one out when in a group of people... i dont know whether i am saying the right thing... i just feel tense and nervous... i actually avoid being in a group.. i am a mother of a four year old and was always worrying myself whether my son would turn out to be like me... but thank god he is socially outgoing and makes friends EASILY... i guess i can learn from him...

I totally understand what u r going through cuz i suffer from anxiety disorder. I find if difficult to be in social situations but im working on it by just taking it a day at a time. But im sure that one day soon u will find hapiness!