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I'M In An Open Relationship But Sometimes I Get Jealous

I don't act on it, and I also feel guilty about it. When I think that she's going to have experiences without me, or I think that she is able to have better experiences than me, I get a feeling somewhere between shame and jealousy. I hate it.

Part of it is a fear of getting older, and part of me has always felt this way. It's part of the reason I choose open relationships - because it wouldn't matter if I was married to a nun, when I'm with a beautiful woman, especially one in her early to mid-20's, and I'm in love with her, I can get jealous of the experiences she has or even the ones I imagine she would have. I conceal the jealousy pretty well, or I share my feelings with her, just chalking it up to "everybody has these feelings."

It's like I envision them to be more amazing than they probably are, but I also am jealous of the power that their beauty makes possible. It's possible it's a repressed cuckolding wish, too.

It's like there's this underlying belief, almost, that beautiful young women have all the fun and can get all the love and desire they want, whereas I'm kind of condemned to have to fight and manipulate and seduce my way to anything close to security and love. I resent that power, I guess.

Tonight she's on a trip and she might hook up with this hot girl. I both want it (for her and because she has every right to it and partly because I think it's hot). And I also want to throw up.

It's something about their ability to have beauty and glamour and hot sex and all these things I think a guy in his 30's can't have, maybe? I don't know. I keep welcoming and accepting the feeling so that I'm not repressing it. In general I just choose to be strong enough to handle the feelings - they're just feelings. But then I also know that they are pointing the way to improvements I want to make in my own life.
thedeepend thedeepend 36-40, M Feb 5, 2013

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