I Can't Put It Into Words....

I can't put my pain into words. I can't put my suffering into words. I just can't put any of it into words, its like, there are no wordfs to describe just how bad I feel broken, and how lost I really feel. Its like,  I am too broken, and broken beyond repair, and that there are just no words for the pain that I am in. I wish I could put it into words, than maybe I wouldn't feel so alone, maybe I'd have someone who understands me, and who can be there for me, but putting it into words basically seems impossible right now.

The day my father decided to treat me, not like his daughter, he broke me so very much, I thought it happened to everyone, I thought, that is what I get for missbehavbing, I thought it was happening to everyone, and thought it was suppose to be happening, i didn't think that it was he the one who was doing the wrong thing. Not me.

The night I went to that party, and that guy raped me. I was broken yet again. He did things so vile to me, and he basically took every bit of control I had over myself, and threw it out the window, and that night, he broke me, over and over again. Till this day, his voice, I can hear it so clearly, the face, not so much.

The night, i got into a car accident, and lost my best friend, and my daughter, the last sherd of me, that wasn't broken, broke. I fell apart, and I shattered. So for you to understand,  I am not broken....I am shattered. I and in too many pieces to be put back toether again. I wish it was true, that I could be fixed, but I don't believe so anymore.

For a while, I had some kind of hope, so kind of faith, that one day, I would be okay again, I'd be normal again, happy again, full of life again, like I was, before all of this **** happened to me, but I'd soon been hit with reality when my old therapist told me, i was bipolar, and that he believe I had Borderline personality disorder. All my dreams, and wishes of being a normal person went out the window.

So you want me to tell you how Broken I am? I tried with this story a little bit, and these are basically the big reasons why I am broken, not from the backstabbing of people who I Loved very much. its not from having people tell me, they Love me, only to play me like some kind of game. its not from people telling me over and over that they would never leave me, but turn around and do it. Those are also reasons why I am broken, I just didn't go into too much delital.

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2 Responses Mar 7, 2010

Aly honey...first of all...*SUPER BIG HUGS* I feel like you're my little sister!<br />
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You have been through so much **** in your life honey. I know you feel shattered. But look, you are still here. You may be in shredded pieces, but you are still here. You may never be what you once were. We never are after such horrid things. But slowly, you can re-form yourself into something else. The fact that you are still here and able to write this just goes to prove the strength that is inside you. One day at a time honey. One moment at a time.<br />
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I'm here for you sweetie. I know you know this. I will never forget his voice, his strength....UG. I understand. Don't let your therapist define who you think you should be. Got that? YOU decide!!!!<br />
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*hugs sweetie*

Ahh my Aly.... I wish I could understand your pain. I wish I could take it all away. I wish I could be there to give you strength. I can only be here for you in any capacity you need. *gentle hugs*