Its Amazing What Journals Reveal About Yourself At That Time...

In 2005, i went through some serious changes in my life. i broke up with my highschool love of almost 8 years, started a real job in the city and was trying to find myself as an individual.

I found the journal I was writing in (it was the year i started doing this), and started reading some of my writings. i was 23 at the time and i wrote with such conviction, confidence and ambition. i'm reading this particular entry and i'm thinking to myself - i was one well grounded woman...where has that gone? i need to believe myself again. truly start believing in myself. so i'm a mom of 2, at home all the time and barely find enough energy to get a run in or even meditate for that fact; that doesnt mean that ive lost my foundation, my core..it just means i have to dust them off and stop doubting them.
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let me share:

september 21, 2005.

The events of last night helped me understand a little bit more about myself.

1) I learnt that I dont always have to be "there" for every single person. I want to be, but i can't. I am a compassionate person, I like being that rock or shoulder. I've learnt that by being available to listen and lend advice when asked, it doesn't necessairly encourage the me or them grow as individuals. They do get what they want from my presence, but does my advice change or help them? no..not always...but thats ok. you have to be ok with that. everyone takes advise as a grain of salt. It does affect me me because I feel like I haven't done my part as a friend. Sometimes its better just not getting involved, especially if they are a best friend of your ex! come on!!!

2) Follow my intuitions. I obviously have them for a reason! why not llisten to them, perhaps if i gave my instincts more credit, i can avoid feeling like I've let myself down again by being surrounded by a person who doesn't bring the best out in me. theres a reason that little vibe says "dont do it...something doesnt feel right." its likely trying to by pass a bad situation or a horrible evening.

3) If it isn't going to make you a better person - don't participate!! Just because you were called to go out, doesn't mean you have too especially when you know you are dipping into something you dont want to. why did you take that toke? why did you say those things? do you feel good about it? no. did it affect your life in a postivie manner? no. do you feel like a better person for your actions. definetly no. i comprimised myself to be in their company. why did i do that? because i felt bad that my ex was his friend and he's going through a rough patch...you're smarter than to let them bring you back to a part of your life you left behind. you dont hang out with them for a reason. the relationship and friendships ended for a reason. its ok to say no. take care. be true to yourself.

4) Listen. I need to listen to myself more. when i say something, mean it. dont comprimise those core values for anyone. once you do, you put a crack into your foundation. stay true to yourself. If it makes you happy, as well as a better person, than I am lucky to have that opporunity and blessed to be able to acknowledge it.

5) Dont set yourself up for disappointment.  keep your expectations realistic. once you start putting expectations on events, situations, people, and relationships it causes you to be inflexible.  expectations can hurt, you as well as the person involved. be honest about what you would like to see from them and the situation. at concerts, or dinners - embrace the moment. tiny moments are so important to create the overall experience. be surprised. be thankful. dont set yourself up for something that isn't obtainable.

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wow -  if only i had remembered to look at that entry in the last 4 years, then maybe coming into motherhood would be more realistic. i guess its bound to happen when you are in a committed relationship, you loose a part of yourself because you become entwined with the person you are sharing your life with, but it is so imparative to rediscover, remebrace and remember who it was that brought this life together. i guess i came upon my journal at a destined time...it just ignited that part of me i thought was lost forever.
browneyeblues browneyeblues
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

it is fantastic to see that you came upon your journal at an opportune time. I have been writing in my journal for a while and many things like on expectations is somewhat similar. I believe i can have expectations about who i am in certain situations like basketball, but bottom line, i just try and make the best of a situation now.

I used to play point as well lol back in the glory days- now just rec.

It's not that having expectations are bad or wrong, nub they must be realistic. An example- playing a team in your division and winning = you expect your team to play with their hearts and you can expect to win (assumin you guys are undefeated and obviously the wining choice lol), playin against the national team= if you into the game expecting to perform as well as you did vs the divisional team,well the results may not be as promising. I am trying to teach myself to be more flexible, when it comes to goals, I'm very black and white....if it ant be done perfect then don't try. Before kids that was an ideal way think, kids have shown me that I can't be like and that there are many situations to which I must just accept the results as they come.

Thanks for sharing!

yeah i suppose if expectations are about sports it might be slightly different. I just returned from the gym. Had an awesome time. But- i did lose to a guy 3 times in a row 1-1 but he was awed at the end by my shot. I was at a point where i was exhausted but i have a beautiful step back shot from anywhere in front of half court. Long story cut down a bit- i was surprised to see winning isn't always about getting the victory. It can be playing hard and having self-respect and doesn't hurt to get the respect of an opponent.

Absolutely. That's truly one great lesson to learn. That's the great thing about playing sports, you build great character.

I'm are you're a solid man with growing values. Sports are also an excellent way to challenge your self physically, mentally and spiritually (if you're into that.)

sure am into trying to be the best me i can be.

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