Practice What You Preach

Oh this will be lengthy.  I have not written a long post in a while...but since the mind is racing....I may as well vent and TRY to let it out....so here we go.

I realize that you cannot change anyone but yourself.  I know that as my life gets flipped upside down and sideways...I control the reactions.  I know this....but I ignore the facts.  There is nothing that I can do to prevent the bad things that happen or have happened.  What I CAN do is make sure I act according to my own personal belief system...so that no matter what happens...I can accept the outcome as being a result of my attempts to do my best.  I spend so much time trying to KNOW the outcome before acting and I fail to acknowledge the fact that there are no guarantees.  I KNOW that things can never happen if I don't try...but I am so afraid of failure....I just search for an insurance policy for my actions.  I'm not delusional....but I always hope that every decision I make will come with an undo option just in case.  How is it possible that someone so aware can be so completely oblivious?

When I dole out advice to the people I love....it is seamless.  Perfectly logical, basic advice...that when implemented and truly embraced would likely lead to a much improved existence.  To speak these words of wisdom is effortless and well worded.  When I have observed the outcome of people that have listened to me....I can see without any question the benefits of the enhancements or changes of their behavior.  Once again the "proof in the pudding" before me is a reminder of all that is possible....not just in the world...but in my ability to learn to listen to myself and succeed.

Why then has it been impossible for anything to seem to go right?  What does it take to open my eyes, heart and soul to the possibility to a positive change?  If my expectations are low or non-existent...how can I expect anything more?  There is a constant reminder in almost everything that I do that I do not REALLY have faith in myself.  The fact that life seems to be going in reverse off the side of the rails is a good indication that all of the doubt I have instilled in my life has done nothing to improve it.

I don't want to believe the glass is half empty.....so why do I continue to live my life that way.   Why do I amplify every tragedy to mass proportions but choose to ignore the little things that are good?  When things go to **** they go to **** in a BIG way and it is very easy for me to identify that and focus on it.  Underneath the pile of filth is some absolutely wonderful aspects and additions of my existence....that I KNOW I fail to appreciate.   Things are happening NOW....but I am worried about tomorrow.  I dread all of the experiences around the bend.  I refuse to take pleasure in the present circumstance for fear that for every sense of joy I feel.....I will have to suffer twenty pains for every pleasure.  The statistics match my fears but is that because I am psychic or is it because I am achieving what I strive for?

The world is such a convoluted place.  The lines between reality, fantasy and nightmares are all blurred and I feel like I have been spun around and pushed forward.   I have an abundance of knowledge and tools to really take hold of my existence yet I have absolutely no idea what I am doing or even trying to do anymore.  I realize that to even read this has to be terribly confusing.  I guess it is hard to even right a post with a direction when I don't know where I am going.  It all starts with me....I know this....but the sooner I believe this again and decide to play the role of me....I guess i cannot expect anything more....than nothing at all.