Practice What You Preach

Oh this will be lengthy.  I have not written a long post in a while...but since the mind is racing....I may as well vent and TRY to let it here we go.

I realize that you cannot change anyone but yourself.  I know that as my life gets flipped upside down and sideways...I control the reactions.  I know this....but I ignore the facts.  There is nothing that I can do to prevent the bad things that happen or have happened.  What I CAN do is make sure I act according to my own personal belief that no matter what happens...I can accept the outcome as being a result of my attempts to do my best.  I spend so much time trying to KNOW the outcome before acting and I fail to acknowledge the fact that there are no guarantees.  I KNOW that things can never happen if I don't try...but I am so afraid of failure....I just search for an insurance policy for my actions.  I'm not delusional....but I always hope that every decision I make will come with an undo option just in case.  How is it possible that someone so aware can be so completely oblivious?

When I dole out advice to the people I is seamless.  Perfectly logical, basic advice...that when implemented and truly embraced would likely lead to a much improved existence.  To speak these words of wisdom is effortless and well worded.  When I have observed the outcome of people that have listened to me....I can see without any question the benefits of the enhancements or changes of their behavior.  Once again the "proof in the pudding" before me is a reminder of all that is possible....not just in the world...but in my ability to learn to listen to myself and succeed.

Why then has it been impossible for anything to seem to go right?  What does it take to open my eyes, heart and soul to the possibility to a positive change?  If my expectations are low or can I expect anything more?  There is a constant reminder in almost everything that I do that I do not REALLY have faith in myself.  The fact that life seems to be going in reverse off the side of the rails is a good indication that all of the doubt I have instilled in my life has done nothing to improve it.

I don't want to believe the glass is half why do I continue to live my life that way.   Why do I amplify every tragedy to mass proportions but choose to ignore the little things that are good?  When things go to **** they go to **** in a BIG way and it is very easy for me to identify that and focus on it.  Underneath the pile of filth is some absolutely wonderful aspects and additions of my existence....that I KNOW I fail to appreciate.   Things are happening NOW....but I am worried about tomorrow.  I dread all of the experiences around the bend.  I refuse to take pleasure in the present circumstance for fear that for every sense of joy I feel.....I will have to suffer twenty pains for every pleasure.  The statistics match my fears but is that because I am psychic or is it because I am achieving what I strive for?

The world is such a convoluted place.  The lines between reality, fantasy and nightmares are all blurred and I feel like I have been spun around and pushed forward.   I have an abundance of knowledge and tools to really take hold of my existence yet I have absolutely no idea what I am doing or even trying to do anymore.  I realize that to even read this has to be terribly confusing.  I guess it is hard to even right a post with a direction when I don't know where I am going.  It all starts with me....I know this....but the sooner I believe this again and decide to play the role of me....I guess i cannot expect anything more....than nothing at all.
evolving2010 evolving2010
36-40, M
2 Responses Dec 24, 2010

My appreciation to all of your kind words and support! Sometimes half the battle is just knowing you are not alone in your plight (or your miseries).<br />
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Alex-<br />
I applaud you in your efforts to re-evaluate your life and succeed. I have no doubt that all of your dreams will be met because you are learning to love one of the most important people in your world...yourself. What an inspiration you are to us all! Thank you for that!!<br />
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Olivia-<br />
I too am returning to school in January to try my hand in a psychology ba<x>sed program. Like you, I am very excited at the prospect of learning something new...and possibly something more about yourself. It is reassuring to hear of others who come to the realization that there is no time like the present and are willing to grab life by the....well you know:) Good for you! And GOOD LUCK!!<br />
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Euphoricanomaly-<br />
I am glad you enjoyed my post. I decided that we all have so much to contribute to one even though my presentation was a jumbled mess (much as my mind is most of the time)...I am happy that there are others that could actually decipher the message I was trying to get across. Stick with it! We are all on a journey and you too will get where your going. I just wish for all of us, it did not have to be so much work to get there!<br />
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When do we get to the good part?!?<br />
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Alex and Evolving2010. As I read your stories I live them as well. There are times when I say okay I need to do a re-evaluation of my life. Where am I going and what can I do to make me happy? When all the while it is so easy for me to give advice to others who are unhappy. I do know what makes me happy and it is the simple things in life. However, when I aim high it turns out to be a disaster so I just stay in my lane and take baby steps. How is it possible I can give others advice that results in a happy ending and mine turns out to be a disaster? I try to look for the good in every experience but in the end I pay dearly for my decisions. <br />
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Alex when you said you're sick and tired of being sick and tired I couldn't agree more. Should I let life come my way with no planning, because apparently planning causes dilemmas for me. What's more every incident that happens is due to circumstances beyond my control. It's like Murphy's law at the end of every road I turn down. Have faith? Not anymore because when I did I just sank lower. Now I've accepted the fact there is a high probability my next plan will fail. Planning as in job growth, financial growth, etc. <br />
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Evolving2010 your comment was on target when you said:<br />
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I have an abundance of knowledge and tools to really take hold of my existence yet I have absolutely no idea what I am doing or even trying to do anymore.<br />
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I couldn't agree more because everything I attempt to do gets shot to hell. Now here is my final attempt to do something that will make me happy and perhaps have a positive lasting affect on others as well. While in my late 40s I have decided to go back to college and study psychology. I have been getting outstanding grades and I absolutely love the theories I am learning and how to apply them to everyday life. This is my final attempt at success. If this doesn't work then I'm done. I'll just let life keep throwing crap my way while I continue to try and dodge it the best way I can. <br />
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