I Need Him

So me and my recent ex have been threw the most horrible things a relationship could endure. We have been on and off since 2007after my 18 b-day, actually a lot happened like drug addiction and way more but after 4 month into it something happened that completely changed both of our life’s. We had a beautiful baby girl Makayla, There is definitely something about this guy that I can’t let go, in the beginning he was the one that was doing all the hurting. During my pregnancy we broke up and he moved on in a way with my best friend at the time and got her pregnant. Maybe a year later he snapped and decided to do better for himself be sober be a part of his kids life’s and more. Six months into our daughters life he slowly came back into my bitter world and finally met his daughter (since we broke when I was pregnant he left me for good) and totally changed he made a total 360. About a month or so I gave him another chance hoping we can be a normal family. Little did I know our past would haunt me forever? Giving the fact I took him back vie been trying to except all he did and move pass it. Once my ex best friend had his baby she started coming around but I had no choice but to be ok with it I’m not the one that would keep him from his kids but asked for only one thing which is to let me know when he would see the kid or call her to check up on him out of respect. So of course he didn’t brought her over twice called her and talked to her longer that he would with me which I didn’t get and worst of all called in at 12am when he was drunk. The end of 2011 there was physical abuse so I decided to leave him. I thought that was the best thing at the time but little did I know I would become a monster and a totally different person. In the past I never really had a child hood my father using drugs my mom being blinded by things moving to different cities due to my father habits and worst of all seen him trying to hang himself twice. Once I got older and was able to understand what was going on my life went upside down. My way of getting away from my problems where to leave and eventually I started using crystal meth at 7th grade from there I stole used and ended up in jail. I never learned how to deal with my feelings. I would use drugs more than I would ever and needless to say that was a whole lot and I hurt myself to get over problems. Weird I know I need more pain to get rid of the pain hard to explain. On that note once 2012 started I started using again falling back to the person I was once was before I had my daughter. I would never put my daughter in harm’s way but little did I know I was still hurting her by going out every day and got out of control until I told myself I needed to stop I was occasionally talking to Brian for my daughter. I thinking by going out I would get over Brian but little did I know it got thing way worst. In May-June he told me that he is madly in love with me, never hearing that it brought back my love for him so slowly ended up getting back together and moved in my apt. He wasn’t stupid and knew I was up to no good. I was still using so in my way I let him move in for the fact that he would stop me from going out a lot which he did, but it didn’t work I started hurting him by leaving him every night while he stays home with his daughter and not coming home until 5 am. He finally had enough and moved out, at that moment I realized he only was trying to help and really cared. The feeling of being alone came back and realized I fell back in love and can’t be without him. At that time I felt guilty because my daughter got hurt too she adores her dad. I knew then I had to get him back so I did everything possible to do so. It took a week but in one condition which was to stop communication of my friend that is not a good influence but is a good person. So little did I know it would be harder than I though I wanted best of both worlds without hurting anyone. So time when by things where getting better between both of us and just recently this Friday he went out and there was an argument about something really small but still was ok but later that night I had the house to myself and was feeling a little blue so I called him to come home he said no and there the little devil in me said u should go out since you’ve already been drinking. Long story short I called my friend over/cuzn the one she really don’t like and she brought her friend well all ended up falling asleep on my bed with her being in the middle. I was wearing a silk gown with absolutely no underwear but made sure I cover myself since the guy friend was there. Brian never shows up so I didn’t worry about my cuzn being there knowing he would have felt disrespected that she was there but n e ways my daughter was out in the living room watching a movie I was getting up to check up on her constantly but I remember the last time I got up and changed the movie I went to my r room and totally knocked out until Brian came home and walked in and seen everything but it just so happens that my friend had got up and went to the store at all times it had to be when Brian get home. SO automatically the sinerial looks totally wrong it looks like I was having a blast cheating on my fiancé that I PROPOSED too he was devastated I DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM but looks bad in all ways how do explain that he thinks I’m a **** but the truth is I didn’t do what he believes even though that’s what it totally looks like. So I hate myself I keep on hurting myself and especially the person that cares about me the most I ******* LOVE HIM I need him in my life but I know there’s no way in hell he would ever believe me and I don’t blame him I wouldn’t believe him too if tables were turned I feel like I’ve been set up I feel horrible he feels the way he feels he has never showed me no feelings and a person shouldn’t feel like that I know for a fact he won’t give me another chance I mean especially for a guy its harder to get over
dbarrientos90 dbarrientos90
22-25
Jan 15, 2013