A Weight Is Lifted. On This Evening I Give The Final Blow!

So Tonight.. at approximately 3am I found out my EX is a big liar and a cheat!!

Its a long story..

So I was with this guy Craig for 2 years, I generally thought he was the love of my life then in October 2012 he broke up with me.. but ever since that day hes been staying at mine, having sex with me telling me how much he loves me and wants to get back with me and we agreed after christmas we would sort it out.

Now when we split up there was rumours he was seeing this girl Hannah I asked him about it and he said no there just friends. She was always posting on his facebook, posting photo's of them two and I thought shes pathetic.

So anyway tonight. She adds me on facebook and tells me to back off craig and tells me they've been together since August bearing in mind he broke up with me in October. So I told her hes been seeing me too I showed her emails, proof that he's playing us both off! She had even been living at his house since christmas! I've never felt so humliated in my entire life!!!

BLAH BLAHHH BLAHHHH

In reality thinking about it a weight has been lifted. It ends tonight!!! For 2 years I thought I had something good but reflecting back on it.. hell was it!! He treated me with no respect, he was completely in control of everything I did. If he didnt want me going out with certain people I didn't. He caused many breakup of friendships! Thanks to him I have little confidence, I don't love myself, and It made me feel so worthless. My insecurities were/are so bad. But after careful consideration I now know why... I think

Back to the ‘ole self-esteem and self-worth we women so often struggle with.

I grew up with a rather strict, highly critical, highly pressured mother and a non existent father. Feeling safe and accepted was not a familiar experience for me.

I was introverted, shy and extremely insecure about, well, just about everything actually… my looks, my personality, my ability to accomplish anything in life.

No confidence, no self-esteem.

My mother was a social butterfly, the life of the party, entertaining, the queen of socializing and comfortable with lots of attention. Never felt like I was good enough or that I could measure up to her standards.

But when I went to University.. I had finally achieved a dream! I felt good and I was a social butterfly! I loved partying.. I had lots of attention, and loved it! I finally became content and happy with myself.. something I loved. I was happy.. so happy! I'd made friends for life.

BUT THEN... I met Craig.

So when I started having relationship with craig, what did I re-create? That oh-so-familiar feeling of uncertainty. Insecurity. Not feeling safe or accepted.
And of course, the more you are in those types of relationships, the more it perpetuates the pattern, because you always feel there’s something wrong with you. The more you feel there’s something wrong with you, the less desirable you feel and that in turn attracts more of the same. After ending first long-term relationship with Craig, which was by far the most painful and devastating I’d ever been in, I decided I was going to learn how to stop attracting men who didn’t make me feel good about myself.

I never wanted to go there again.
But I did!!

And I'm not going to anymore. This all ends tonight!!!!!

But what do I do differently?

Two things…

First, I get really clear about what I was doing to attract those types of men.

Back then, it was my deep need to feel loved and be in a relationship that made me feel validated. I somehow didn’t feel complete if I wasn’t in a relationship, so I attracted men who used my feelings of insecurity to their advantage. Those relationships were bordering on abusive… emotionally, mentally, verbally.
And the deep insecurities I had, just attracted more of the same.

Over and over and over again I stayed with him.
When we attract from a place of need, we just get more things that make us feel needy.
The first thing I have to do is learn how to be okay, totally okay, on my own, without a man or a relationship. I have to learn how to give myself the love I was looking for a relationship to provide.I have to fill the void that was inside me that was looking for love in all the wrong places. I have to give myself the validation I so desperately wanted that I had never received as a child and was hoping to find in a relationship. I have to stop looking for things outside myself to make me happy.

We attract partners at the same level of emotional maturity as we are.

From the place of emotional immaturity and need where I was, all I attracted were men who were as needy and co-dependent as I was (blah), or worse, men who were controlling and abusive (not pretty). AKA CRAIG!

When we are willing to take personal responsibility for everything that shows up in our lives, we gain tremendous power to create something different.

The next step is just as critically important…

I have to heal from the love that hurt.


So Craig.. this is goodbye.. forever. I am done with the control. I am done with pretending this is something I need or want. You treated me like **** and I can do so much better... Rugby men here I come!

Its a new day..
Floraamyjones Floraamyjones
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 19, 2013

I know how hard it is, believe me. It will hurt like hell, make you feel so numb that you will forget what it feels like to be normal. But you will be okay, even better then okay. You just need the time to heal and get over the emotional scars that have been left behind. Just take time to grief and accept the loss, then concentrate on you. Do things that make you happy, and be around the people that love you. I'm always here for you babe <3