The 'Root' Of The ProblemSo there it was again, that sickly feeling which I thought I had healed rearing its ugly head once more.
I thought I had dealt with all my self-esteem issues and God knows I’ve done the work so what was this? Why was it back? The guy hadn’t returned my call. We spoke over the weekend – great; we spoke on Monday - great; we met on Tuesday for dinner- good; messaged him on Wednesday... no reply; called him Wednesday night.. no reply and Thursday .. nothing. So I sat there, thinking… thinking… thinking- have I messed things up? what have I done? Replaying the last few conversations we had over and over again in my head trying to dissect for any clue that could give me answers to why he had not called me back.
This wasn’t the first time I had felt like this; it started off with the onset of mobile phones and friends at school not retuning my calls or messages straight away. I’d get myself into a frenzy as to why they hadn’t answered or replied immediately – did they not like me anymore? Were they talking behind my back? Did they like somebody else better than me etc. But I had addressed all that, and I learnt to feel confident about myself and didn’t need that reassurance of needing to be liked by others.
But I realised this feeling was different, slightly more complicated and deep rooted than a simple self-esteem issue and it came up every time I felt someone changed their behaviour towards me. I had enough of this feeling; I couldn’t understand it, what it was or where it came from. So I sat in my room, ripping this feeling to shreds; staring at it in the face and feeling it within my core - I’m not dealing with it any more, this has to stop. I’m not going to feel trapped by this feeling. If he doesn’t like me so what, its fine, that’s his business but why do I feel I’ve done something or am responsible for messing this up?
Then it hit me… my mum. I must have only been around primary school age. I saw how my mum would get in a bad mood and stop talking to me and I wouldn’t even know why. She wouldn’t tell me but just give me the silent treatment. I didn’t know what I had done and I would be too scared to ask so I would sit there trying to figure out how I had upset her.
When she would eventually tell me I’d start feeling guilty and wishing how I could have behaved or done things differently. It was always my fault and I had messed things up. Of course looking back, I was a child and a child is not responsible for their parents.
With my dad being the strict one and with no siblings I have grown up feeling like my mum has been my only friend in the house. At times she would be my rock and other times it seemed she would abuse that position and make me feel as if I had no safety and that everything was going to fall apart.
This confusion and insecurity just reaffirmed itself with the constant repetition of my mum’s unpredictable silent treatments.
Coincidentally I had been working with my chakras. I have always been quite a heady person and felt it was time to deal with my crown chakra. However, this new unravelling led me to my root chakra – the chakra which represents fear and the ability to feel safe and secure and guess what else? The relationship with your mother. How I’ve never really paid attention to this chakra before I don’t know but it all made sense. I’ve always had this underlying fear that my life’s going to fall apart if things don’t work out, be that a job interview, relationship, online shopping order etc. I’ve been a constant worrier and despite me having addressed this over the years, there have still been times where the worry has been so subtle that it’s accumulated only to have caused a more obvious reaction weeks later.
I can now say that I have gone into the depths of my core and dug out that root, the root of fear and worry, that’s been responsible for seeping out my life force. I know that I am safe, secure and rooted regardless of how life works out.
So what happened to that guy? He did call me back and all was fine. However, as with all life’s lessons, once learnt they disappear into the ether and that’s what happened with him. The lesson was learnt and it all fizzled out.
MsHummingbird 26-30, F 0 Feb 10, 2013