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I Can Only Hope...

Ever since i was a little boy, i have always hoped for an older brother.

Someone who would put me in front of everything else
Someone who would take care of me
Someone who would keep me smiling and laughing
Someone who would stand by my side and help me through the struggles of life

I would pretend that i have someone out there in the world who i'd call brother, but the world never has agreed with me.
Some might say i have a mental disorder or that im going through a phase. No one can understand the feeling of having everything you could ever dream for and yet feel so alone.

Im just like any other 19 year old.
I've got an amazing girlfriend with two adorable siblings with such friendly and incredible parents but there always seems to be something missing. I always dreamed about him, my brother.

Six ft tall with long black hair with a slight blond shade on the tips of his hair. LOL kind of like a hippy!
He was friendly and understanding. He would always be wearing this pitch black leather jacket with dark blue jeans. I never liked his style, lol.

I would see him standing in front of me sometimes reminding me that life will never be fair but i'd have to just find a way of getting back on my feet everytime it got hard. He would put his hand on my shoulder when i looked in the mirror every morning. He would sit by me when i watched eastenders and sometimes even annoy me. Haha, i bet some of you think im seeing a ghost. But i guess this is what i would like to feel. I know its all a fake.

The past few years have been hard. Going into the world of teens was scary, not knowing who to turn to. Although i am 19, i would like to think that im just 3 or 4 when he was around. It sounds quite dumb as i write this but its true. There were times where he would give me piggy backs and times where he would chuck me in the air. I miss him.

I havent slept in over 3 months, well properly anyway. I keep thinking about him. When i lay my head on my pillow i imagine him sleeping next to me. His just staring into space, looking at the cieling. I'd try to put my arm around him but then he would just vanish. There were times when i thought i could even hear him talk. I would try to listen to his voice. Can't really describe it. Maybe its just me desperately wanting an older brother.

I have these wierd stories in my head that my parents would one day sit me down in the kitchen and tell me that i have an older brother and the only reason why we were not introduced earlier was because he was a bad influence. I wish.

'sigh'

I Can Only Hope...
mamunroshid mamunroshid 18-21, M Jul 1, 2011

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