That Sums It Up-part 2

Life is so ironic sometimes. My ex J and I went kayaking last week. As I said in my last post, he has extensive small cell cancer, the most aggressive type. As we each settled into our kayaks, I said

“Aren’t you going to wear your life jacket?”

“No,” he said. “I’m not.”

I thought about laughing then as it hit me that he probably would prefer to drown than to wither away from lung cancer, struggling to breath. He rides his Harley a lot too, without a helmet. Why not?

I refuse to accept that he may not be here much longer, he and my mother, who both have lung cancer and neither who have smoked in over 30 years. Two of my dearest and closest friends, both of whom may be leaving me at the same time.

My brother had a heart attack and died two years ago at 46. It seems like such a long time ago. We found him in his recliner after we went to check on him when he didn’t answer his phone for 2 days. He lived alone.

My mother has aged 15 years since his death.

I’m not on antidepressants, I don’t drink. Sometimes I cry at the most inappropriate times. I’m not going to take a pill to stop that.

I’m going to regroup. I’m going to be happy. I’m going be fun. I’m going to distract them both from this business of being sick and dying, to the best of my abilities.

Love, music, movies, good food, tears and laughter, and sometimes impatience, or anger. We are going to go about this business of living while we are alive.

I am going to have to keep moving except when I need to

Be Still and Listen.
Isodorapink Isodorapink
51-55, F
Dec 13, 2012