I Can't Do It Anymore.

I could probably lay out my little assortment of wounds for you, but that would take too long, and make me feel too special.  A lot of people have it far rougher than I do.  Suffice it to say, almost everyone I've trusted has backstabbed, abandoned, or just hurt me in some way.  It's gotten to the point where I look at the friends I have now and go, "It's only a matter of time."

The issue I want to pursue is my former friend.  When we first met, it seemed like things were great.  But then she started asking things of me.  Little things, like "Hold" (hold this) or "Come help me," and even though she never said thank you or please or even "Would you...?", I would go along.  She treated my things like she was intent on breaking them, and always wanted to talk about her own problems, which obviously far outstripped anyone else's.  I was very naive and friendless at the time, and even when the requests got extreme, and I suffered physical abuse at her hands, I didn't object. 

Fast forward two years.  My quiet, withdrawn shell was falling away, since I had actual friends for the first time in years, and I was starting to realize that I didn't have to put up with her.  I refused one request--ONE--that I let her borrow my spoon, which I was going to actually eat with, so she could use it in an inappropriate way.  And I even apologized for refusing.

She wouldn't speak to me for two whole days.  She went behind my back and bitched to my best friend about it.  And she had the nerve to come to me the next day with, "Oh, I was just in a bad mood before."

I finally realized that she didn't care if I lived or died, even though she was one of my closest friends and she meant the world to me.  So I told her I needed some space, and she parted from me with the words, "Fine.  Whatever YOU need."

I'm still hurting and I don't know how to stop.  I'd give anything to share this with my other friends, but I've had this happen so many times I can't bring myself to trust them.  Some of them are still her friends, even.  The last thing I want to do is make them choose, but they're gonna have to someday.  I can't keep seeing her when we all get together and remembering all those times and emotions I wasted on her, knowing all the while that she's probably still mad I wouldn't give her a damned spoon.

Hohnoroa Hohnoroa
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 3, 2007

It is hugely painful when one feels as if no one else is to be trusted...some hurts go too deep to rectify immediately and sometimes they affect too many facets of one's existence to dissipate into any peripheral cognition, bereft some iniquitous proclivities that tend towards doing so. Your second sentence "A lot of people have it far rougher than I do" demonstrates a degree of extrinsic knowledge and acceptance thats not common for one of your age...I respect you for that. It doesn't diminish the potency of your problems. A man by the name of Carl Jung, once identified an integral aspect of human psychology. It is terribly complicated but effectively means that all people exert mental coping strategies directly dependent on one's circumstance. That means that the potency of one's negatively influential issues, has a sole correlation with the effectiveness of the subconscious coping modus thereof. So your issues are just as painful for you, as someone else's who might have a worse life are to them and it is not attention seeking or silly if you think those issues are painful to you...because they are. So please don't belittle your problems...they are serious and I think you are a great person for fearing arrogance or self absorption :) My advice would be to value yourself more. You are not the product of the value you see in your friends. Friends are terribly important, which is why this issues must be so hard but you need to know that you are just as worth while a person as this "spoon girl" ;) I wish you the best of luck with your other friends who still like her. She does seem like an arrogant, self absorbed person and doesn't look down on such traits as you do. You seem like a very good person, I hope things turn out well 4 u.

Gods, this place is like ff.n only worse.