Why Did I Do It

For days I walked the beach.  I'm married, but I saw him. I walked by.  Another day he came up to me.  I aksed if he had a joint.  He said he didn't smoke but his neice left some from her last visit.  That is how is began.  I've been in a restless marriage for almost 20 years.  For the first time, I actually felt I was betraying my husband.  I told my husband about the affair.  I don't want to leave my husband, but he thinks its best for us to separate, to help me find out what I really want.  I'm being forced by my own behavior to be with the other man.

  I feel its right, yet I'm scared to death.  I've always been taken care of so well.  I will be moving into a situation where I won't be as secure financially, or maybe even emotioally.  My husband is so wonderful to me as is the man I have fallen in love with.  It's so much more complicated than this, but it's my story, and I'm just keep looking to God for the answers.

  Is it a mistake to be with the other man?  It's affecting so many people.  I feel so guilty, but I feel I need to make up my mind for once.  I want to be honest in my marriage.  The only reason I would leave my husband would be if the other man would marry me, which he says he wants to do. 

I also suffer from anxiety disorder, so you can imagine what all this is doing to me physically and emotionally.  I'm going to a therapist next week, however I don't trust that route either. 

Right now all I can do is keep praying to God, reading scripture, and try to love everyone involved in a brotherly way.  I know that Jesus Christ's way of love and living is the true way for me. 

I just hope that I make the right decision.  I'm so afraid.  It hurts so bad to think about all the changes.  I'd be having to move and begin all over.  I haven't worked in years, I'm not bright, don't have a car, on and on. So I'm feeling very much like a failure.  I am very grateful for all my friends and family, but that just doesn't seem like it's enough.  Oh well, I'll probably be writing more later. 

girligirl girligirl
46-50, F
1 Response May 27, 2007

to thy own self be true<br />
<br />
fallow your heart