I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of him
I can't do it. I try so hard everyday to be strong and move on. I can't. Everytime I get asked out, I immediately compare them to him and they always fall short...so I say "no, thank you" or I pause long enough that they don't even want to go out with me anymore--I swear they can see him cross my thoughts.
We were best friends for a few years, then we dated for about a year. Now, we are back to being "friends"...I feel like he is stringing me along until he finds someone better. But, in the meantime, he throws enough bait my way to keep me hanging. For example, the day after he broke up with me he emailed me to say that he missed me, was sorry for hurting me, and was sorry that he wasn't more patient--that it was his fault things didn't work. He said he "still loves me like that" but wants to take it slow. He has a lot of things to work on in himself--he needs to work on communication, among other things. So, we kind of "decided" to be friends (as much as possible) while we sorted stuff out, and talk about getting back together in a few months or so.
Then, he calls me later that week to say "good night." Then, the next day he invites me over to his place for a movie, and hugs me good-bye...then calls every few nights to say good night...then asks me out again the next weekend to go out to a movie, he pays, he hugs me a little longer this time...calls a few times that week, asks me out again, then, this time? He hugs me like he doesn't ever want to let go. He runs his fingers through my hair, he lays his head on my shoulder...then he left. I was floating. I couldn't breathe. I love when he holds me like that...then, he called that night (Nov 25), and a few nights that week to say good night...then it stopped, right when I thought we were on the right track, on the same page, heading in the same direction. It felt like he might have even kissed me good-night on the next date...it really felt like that kind of momentum was happening.
Well, then he called less often, and we haven't gone out since. But he still calls...but more to see how my day went than to say good night...but he tells me how good it is to hear my voice, how happy he is that I called him back even though he knows I'm busy...little things that keep my hopes up about us. I think that the reason we didn't go out the next weekend is because he was afraid we would end up right back together too soon because of the chemistry we have. Being physically near each other is like electric--it was even when we were friends, but it was just "there". Now that we have experienced more...that chemistry begs to get more. So, I feel like that's why he slowed things down. But a month? And he didn't call at all this weekend...and next weekend we'll both be going different ways for family things. So, it will end up being a month of not seeing each other at all on Christmas. Very weird.
My problem? I cry every day over this "relationship". I have felt from the moment we met that we were soulmates. When we were friends, I thought it was just a "soulmate friendship". But after we dated...oh my goodness. The first week I just knew. We both talked about it--how we just knew. Friends and family loved everyone. Things fell into place. Everything fit--our likes, dislikes, dreams, hopes, goals. Everything down to our tastes in music and movies--we both have very odd tastes, too, making that a unique feat. Then I got diagnosed with bipolar, and he got diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, we both got counseling, but apparently his illness and mine was too much for him to handle. So here we are. We were supposed to spend time working on each other individually, a great idea our counselors suggested and that's what we are doing. But with him pulling away more, is he taking advantage of this decision to leave me or do I distract him? He's mentioned that our desire to be with each other all the time can be distracting, and I agree! In some ways, our relationship can be very consuming--we just want to spend every minute together, which worked the last few years, but now we have 14 hour days, and our free time needs to be spent studying or improving ourselves.
Anyhow, I just want to know what he is thinking. He really sucks in communication. I want to just "listen to his actions" and take a step back, too. But I can't let him go. Everytime I think about it being permanent, I feel immense pain. I try to imagine my perfect man, taking the things from him I don't like and adding things I do like...but there aren't enough changes to consider anyone else! I want him. And I still have that sense that we are meant to be together, and I should wait for him. But then I feel stupid. Who am I to think that I can "know" if we're supposed to be together? I don't even know if I believe in that stuff.
So, do I wait and be patient, but not put my life on hold...but also effectively bind my heart to his, whether I mean to or not? Or do I gently ask him what he's thinking about us? Or do I demand he stop playing with me? And if he decides that he's done permanently, can I still bear to be friends right now? What if he just doesn't know and is using my friendship and "r-ship option" until he decides or meets someone "better"? I'm so confused. I can't seem to tell my emotions anything. I feel so helpless in the sea of them.