My Marriage Died And I Don't Know How To Revive It

I've been married for 27 years. Almost 20 years ago, we moved to Virginia. My husband had recently retired from the navy and began working for a local baseball team. My bizarre neighbor (a male) began flirting with my husband and made it clear that he completely despised me. He did everything in his power to break us up. I went to court 16 times in 3 months on charges he filed against JUST me, not my husband. THIS is where my marriage began to fail. My husband DID NOT support me through this battle with the neighbor. Whenever the neighbor and I encountered each other and my husband was home he (my husband) would tell me to shut up and go into the house. I was answering the door to the cops on a daily basis because of this neighbor. As it happens, my sister lived in Arkansas and ran a trucking company. She offered my husband a job and I finally thought "This is it...this is the way out." But he (my husband) didn't want to leave. I'd asked him time and again what he would do if he came home and found that I'd hanged myself. His only answer was that I wouldn't be such a coward as to do such a thing. Our marriage suffered terribly. There has been NO physical intimacy between us for nearly 15 years now. I told him..."I'm going to Arkansas...you can stay or go as you please." So we moved. After living at my sisters house for a few months, we found an apartment. My husband continued to worked for her, and commuted daily. I had a small part time job at the time. One day I was on the computer and started to clear the history when all of a sudden all this **** popped up. You must remember that we have not been intimate for a long time. Not because *I* didn't want him...I would cry myself to sleep nearly every night with the thought that he didn't love me any more. That HE didn't want ME. THEN I found the **** history. While I was lying there in misery, he was jacking off to a fake woman on a computer screen. If it had just been the **** and he was using it to fuel his fantasies but still making love to ME I could have accepted it. But he knew I wanted him and chose THAT over a loving LIVE woman. Now I don't trust him or believe in him as a good man any more. Oh, he pays the bills and gives me a good home. But still there is no spiritual or physical connection between us at this stage. I don't leave the house unless forced to do so...ie...he will NOT get me something I need so I have to go out and get it myself. Otherwise, I am home ALL the time. There are no hugs or kisses. He SAYS he loves me, but I don't feel loved. I have no where to go and no one else to turn to. No friends, and my sister and I have stopped speaking because SHE made a pass at my husband right in front of me. I'm dying inside more and more every day and I wonder why I am holding on to this unsatisfying way of "life". Why do I bother? I'm nothing more than a walking waste of flesh. A pimple on the *** of society. I contribute nothing.
TerreC TerreC
51-55, F
Dec 2, 2012