I Don't Know Why I Am Really Hurt On What Happened to the Past....

It really makes me depress and I'm sick and tired on thinking about it everyday. I did many things just to forget it, I went to the monastery to pray, bought some books about it, I tried to keep myself busy and pray many times, but it didn't really help a lot. I don't know what is wrong, it's maybe me or I am just going to get crazy.

My story goes like this. I am living with my bf for almost 4 years now. Last year december, I broke up with him because we had many issues in our relationship, like him being so dry to me. So, when I broke up with, he really cried and begged to work everything out. I was really hurt coz I was inlove with him. But still, I decided to separate with him for awhile. So he came back to his country because I am from Philippines. While he was in his country, he sent me emails and called me almost everyday which he didn't do before everytime he visits there. He was very sweet to me and still wanted to come back with me. So, I told him that I want to work our relationship when he comes back and we send "I love yous" back and forth on the email and even before he hang up the phone when he called.

So by January, he told me that he will arrive on the 29th and I was very excited. But before he arrived, I met this man and I got tempted and i slept with him. I felt horrible and I don't know what to do if my bf will find out. And that was the first time I ever cheated in my whole life. So, when he arrived, I turned off my phone and I didn't pick him up in the airport. I was home crying and feeling horrible coz I got sick. The next day, I met my bf and he told me how upset and disapponted he is but he forgave me. But I couldnt look at him straight in the eyes but I know he knew something. He asked me if I was sleeping with someone but I lied to him but that day I got really angry and left him again. He was hurt and didnt see me for two weeks and didnt bother to call or answer calls. I really missed him that time until I found out that I got pregnant from the man I met before he arrived. And I got really really depressed and I wanted to end my life. The father of the baby I was carrying was Ok about me being pregnant but I want my real bf back. So, one day on Feb., my bf called me and want to meet me because he missed me a lot. So kissed him when I saw him and he cried and told me that it was the sweetest kiss he ever tasted. I told him that day that I was pregnant and he cried and told me that he will move on. But I lied to him, I told him that I only met the father of the baby once and I didnt know his whereabouts and my bf believed me on that and he forgave me. And the next day, I didnt treat him well because my conscience was really bothering me, so he told me that he will just go back to his country and forget me. So when before he changed his ticket, he met an american man and told him not to worry about it and he will help my bf to move on because he was crying. After a few days when I saw him, he changed but still chasing me. But everytime we saw each other, I never treated him good until I told him to get lost and dont bother me anymore. After that day, I didnt accept his calls or even respond to his message coz I have said enough to hurt him and he was very angry. I didnt see him for 3 weeks until I decided to come back with him. So he accepted me but I asked him if he met someone and he said yes, he dated a few girls but didnt sleep any of them. So I believed him until I found out that he had slept with several women and he even went on vacation on one of them. I was really angry and became irrational and I asked him the details about what happened. He told me that the reason why he didnt tell me is because he knew that I will leave him again. Until now he didnt tell me about it because he told me it is better for me not to know anything about the past because I will just only get hurt. And for him, it wasnt cheating because I broke up with him and didnt treat him good and he was so depressed that time and he thought meeting someone will help him to move on but he wasnt happy any of them. He wanted to meet them so that he will forget me but didnt work thats why he is back with me.

My problem right now is, everyday I always imagine and see what he did with his past girls when we broke up. I feel insecure and jealous. Sometimes, I feel like killing myself because I am really suffering from the pain. I dont know why I couldnt accept that he met those girls even I know that it was my fault. It was my fault because if I treated him well, he wouldnt be with those girls. And right now, I dont trust him anymore because he lied to me being with someonelse, but for him he will never discuss about it because if we will discuss his past, he will remember what i did to him also because he wouldnt be on that situations. What am I gonna do?? Sometimes I feel like leaving him and forget him but I am confused because I love him. Do you think he really love me?? I am very paranoid because everytime we went out, I got angry when he looked at some other girls while we were walking. I am too insecure. Please give me a good advice on what to do. Thank you so much!