I Cannot Forget the Past
The wounds are healing with every writing and discussion I put on EP but in the end there will be no forgetting the past. And no matter how vague or dreamy my past might end up seeming there will always be something inside me that knows that I went through, the scars that are imprinted and the salves that were given to my heart.
Who can forget the events of an abusive household? For doesn't it seem that each and every movement that you make is based off of how they treated you. You stand wondering if you can actually love a person or if your generosity might be an actual bribe to make them love you anymore. There is doubt within your heart as you try to make friends, censure against yourself for being so naughty that no one can or will ever love you. And the pain of low confidence always coming to bound on you when you actually start to try to be self-assured about yourself.
How do you forget the events of a house that starved you or being through hard times, which resulted in a lack of food? You horde food that you don't eat, eat like a bird at times or aren't hungry then stuff yourself like a glutton at the next. The diet that goes into your belly isn't healthy but you just can't seem to force yourself to eat anymore than you have to.
Living on the streets, giving your body over to somebody else as a down payment for a place to stay or trying to put back together a shattered, hating family. All of these leaves marks and brands which formed together a strangling cloth. All of these and so much more....
People who loved you enough to help even though you weren't family, a helping stranger's hand and sometimes a few friends. Slowly their touch, their words and smiles combine with the bad things within your life. And everything seems so confusing, so restrictive even as you batter yourself against the life support keeping you here.
And then it hits! Your weakened heart is able to burst loose, a smile is able to come back to your face and you find yourself startled by the changes that have occurred. The people who hurt you and the people who loved you, the events that have tortured you and the events that have blessed you.
I don't think I can make the past disappear or even forget it since I am only standing here stronger because of it. It made me who I am, set me up for the path I would walk into the future on and even though the effects still hurt and confuse me I am still here for the long run. And in the end the only thing I can say about my past is that I am grateful enough that it didn't completely destroy me.
