I Cannot Stand Opportunists
We were driving together to our luncheon, my lover and I. He made some reference to the fact that he typically liked to drive a lot faster, but he was holding back with me in the car. I looked at him quizzically. I may be nervous at times about his safety, but I am not that obsessive about it. God knows I like to drive fast, and on curvy mountainous roads at that. Then he told me a story that explained his caution.
He had a client who'd had a girlfriend, you see. In addition to his wife, I mean. And the wife had figured it out, and in order to avoid a nasty, expensive divorce, he'd agreed to stop seeing the girl. And he'd bought his wife a very nice BMW. Then several months later, his wife asked him when he'd last been with his girlfriend. The man protested that he had broken up with the girl when the affair had been discovered. The wife asked again. He denied again. Finally, she said he had one more chance to come clean. He repeated his claim of innocence. The missus pulled out a photograph that had come in the mail that morning. It was from the traffic enforcement authorities. It showed the man on his motorcycle, speeding, the week prior. With his girlfriend wrapped around his waist.
This time it cost him a five carat diamond.
"I never speed when a girl is with me," my lover said. "I drive extremely carefully."
I nodded.
When I learned my husband cheated many years ago, I never thought to ask for anything. I did not even ask him to stop seeing her. I did, however, ask what his intentions were. He told me that the affair was over. I confess that I did not entirely believe him, and I sought a meeting with the young woman. We met over coffee and bagels, and she confirmed that she had dumped him. "He's old enough to be my father!" she exclaimed. I wondered why she had sought to seduce him if she did not wish to claim him. Lord, I was innocent back then. I assumed that if a woman had sex with a man it was because she loved him and wished to be with him always.
I know better now.
After I'd confirmed she had no designs on my mate, I sought to make him fall in love with me again. We had been happy once, and I believed we could recapture that. I put my back into it, honestly. I threw our children into the arms of babysitters and planned all sorts of fun outings, romantic rendezvous in hotels, surprise opportunities to ****. I never once questioned that it was my responsibility to woo him, to get the spark back in our lives. I certainly never thought he owed me anything to compensate for his dalliance. I took it as a sign of my failure to hold his attention, that the affair was my fault.
I grew increasingly depressed over the years that followed, realizing that he was not able to give up his infatuation over the girl despite all my efforts and her refusal to have anything to do with him.
Gradually, a bit more than a decade later, he realized she was not worth his devotion. He tried to reconnect with me. But by that point, I'd lost heart. So when I began to explore my sexuality on line with other men, and decided I wanted to meet some in person, I'm afraid that I took advantage of his guilt. I asked him to grant permission for me to do that. I asked for a hall pass.
There is a part of me that loathes myself for being so opportunistic. But another part says it is not such a terrible thing. I rationalize my behaviour, saying that many women would have taken him to the cleaners for his infidelity. And even as I console myself with the knowledge that I've denied myself a good relationship in return for my children's economic wellbeing, I feel shame that I was willing to shortchange myself to take advantage of my husband's financial support.
If I had it to do over again, I don't know what I'd have done. It's easy to look at what's happened and say I should have left him and gotten a good paying job. But I honestly thought I could win back his love. And I love my children and wanted to be at home with them. And I was.
I wonder about the wife who got the Beamer and the big diamond. Whether she found it adequate compensation for heartbreak, or if it was a hollow victory. I wonder if she loved her husband.
Being with my married lover gives me a crisis of conscience. If his wife is the sort to demand a Beamer upon learning of our relationship, I cannot feel guilty. I do not think such a woman has been truly hurt. And yet we all have a price we'll accept in return for this sort of situation. I know I did.
A friend asked me how I could be with this man, given my own history. I have been pondering that. And I don't have an answer yet. For now, I am just glad that he drives slowly and carefully when we are together. Even when I am giving him roadhead.
He had a client who'd had a girlfriend, you see. In addition to his wife, I mean. And the wife had figured it out, and in order to avoid a nasty, expensive divorce, he'd agreed to stop seeing the girl. And he'd bought his wife a very nice BMW. Then several months later, his wife asked him when he'd last been with his girlfriend. The man protested that he had broken up with the girl when the affair had been discovered. The wife asked again. He denied again. Finally, she said he had one more chance to come clean. He repeated his claim of innocence. The missus pulled out a photograph that had come in the mail that morning. It was from the traffic enforcement authorities. It showed the man on his motorcycle, speeding, the week prior. With his girlfriend wrapped around his waist.
This time it cost him a five carat diamond.
"I never speed when a girl is with me," my lover said. "I drive extremely carefully."
I nodded.
When I learned my husband cheated many years ago, I never thought to ask for anything. I did not even ask him to stop seeing her. I did, however, ask what his intentions were. He told me that the affair was over. I confess that I did not entirely believe him, and I sought a meeting with the young woman. We met over coffee and bagels, and she confirmed that she had dumped him. "He's old enough to be my father!" she exclaimed. I wondered why she had sought to seduce him if she did not wish to claim him. Lord, I was innocent back then. I assumed that if a woman had sex with a man it was because she loved him and wished to be with him always.
I know better now.
After I'd confirmed she had no designs on my mate, I sought to make him fall in love with me again. We had been happy once, and I believed we could recapture that. I put my back into it, honestly. I threw our children into the arms of babysitters and planned all sorts of fun outings, romantic rendezvous in hotels, surprise opportunities to ****. I never once questioned that it was my responsibility to woo him, to get the spark back in our lives. I certainly never thought he owed me anything to compensate for his dalliance. I took it as a sign of my failure to hold his attention, that the affair was my fault.
I grew increasingly depressed over the years that followed, realizing that he was not able to give up his infatuation over the girl despite all my efforts and her refusal to have anything to do with him.
Gradually, a bit more than a decade later, he realized she was not worth his devotion. He tried to reconnect with me. But by that point, I'd lost heart. So when I began to explore my sexuality on line with other men, and decided I wanted to meet some in person, I'm afraid that I took advantage of his guilt. I asked him to grant permission for me to do that. I asked for a hall pass.
There is a part of me that loathes myself for being so opportunistic. But another part says it is not such a terrible thing. I rationalize my behaviour, saying that many women would have taken him to the cleaners for his infidelity. And even as I console myself with the knowledge that I've denied myself a good relationship in return for my children's economic wellbeing, I feel shame that I was willing to shortchange myself to take advantage of my husband's financial support.
If I had it to do over again, I don't know what I'd have done. It's easy to look at what's happened and say I should have left him and gotten a good paying job. But I honestly thought I could win back his love. And I love my children and wanted to be at home with them. And I was.
I wonder about the wife who got the Beamer and the big diamond. Whether she found it adequate compensation for heartbreak, or if it was a hollow victory. I wonder if she loved her husband.
Being with my married lover gives me a crisis of conscience. If his wife is the sort to demand a Beamer upon learning of our relationship, I cannot feel guilty. I do not think such a woman has been truly hurt. And yet we all have a price we'll accept in return for this sort of situation. I know I did.
A friend asked me how I could be with this man, given my own history. I have been pondering that. And I don't have an answer yet. For now, I am just glad that he drives slowly and carefully when we are together. Even when I am giving him roadhead.
By:
milkynips
Age:
46-50
,
Female
