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We Still Love Each Other

I just can't get over him. He's been gone over a year and a half, deported to Mexico after getting caught driving with no license. For a year we fought deportation, him three states away in a detention center. I gathered family for money, help from Catholic and immigration organizations, his old employers, I got his papers together myself, worked every day to get character witnesses, statements from our little girl's therapists and doctors saying it would benefit her most to have a two parent family (she's autistic). Of course it would benefit any child. But on the court date they wouldn't hear any of it. They sent him home within 72 hours. OH not HOME just the border, where they dump a percentage of Mexicans. A nasty thieving "get out before dark" kind of town. He's lucky he had family nearby to get him safely home 400 miles away in Pachuca Hidalgo. He's been back to his old home for eight months now. There's no lights or phone anywhere near him. No way for us to talk regularly. He occasionally finds someone with a phone and, if he's been able to buy one, he'll use a phone card to call. I'd say maybe five times since May. He doesn't know our daughter was raped in March. He doesn't know about my mental breakdown. I didn't want to make it harder for him, knowing he can't be here. But every time we talk we're desperate for one another. Our mouths close, whispering to each other through the phone how much we love each other. We talk, we cry, but we never laugh anymore. Our daughter can't use a phone. She understands some if there's a speaker but my phone doesn't have one. She cries for him every day. I cry for him every night.
I talked to him 12 minutes on Christmas night. I know it probably won't happen again for another six months because when they aren't farming they have no extra money. Winter everything's dead where he farms alfalfa. No money, no calls. But I'll still be here waiting, loving, missing, and knowing I'll never see him again. I love him so much I can't even imagine myself every loving anyone else again. Part of the pain is recognizing that part. I'll be alone forever because the man I love, who loves me, can't be here and I would never betray him. Even if he finds someone else, goddammit I mated for life. I am a good, loyal woman who has never cheated, not once in my life. But he told me I was free. Of course he would. He's free too, and I hope he finds someone he can love. He's still so young. He deserves that Mexican housewife he always tried to get me to be. I was never very good at it anyway, but I tried so hard. And he tried to understand me. He never spent a day in school, working from age six in a quarry. He has no education, but he's so smart. We could talk for hours about anything. He could build and fix just about anything. Except cars. He just THOUGHT he could fix them! And he was so funny we'd laugh all the time. There's no time for laughing now though, not when you're limited to 12 minutes every few months.
Someone asked tonight if I was lonely. I said no, mostly because I am able to convince myself on one level that despite not being with me, maybe he's somewhere in Pachuca, Hidalgo talking and laughing and having a good time. I don't care with who, as long as I know he's happy somewhere in the world... I can pretend he's just in the other room a while.
DisorderlyCyn DisorderlyCyn 41-45, F 3 Responses Dec 29, 2012

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This is not a breakup!! It is an involuntary separation. Breakup implies at least one party chose to do it. This situation is different, like losing a part of you that you really needed and loved as opposed to something you are convinced you no longer want (or no longer wants u). His being alive prevents u from moving on and going through your grief so u r stuck with part of your soul torn away unable to heal. Don't even get me started about u and your daughter. Who takes care of the caregiver? This is a movie script not someone's life. (Would that this were true and it remained a movie u never saw.) i just want to put big warm hands on your face and tell u to breathe.

That's terrible. I'm so sorry. :(

Oh my god. It's been almost a year since I wrote this and I still feel the same pain and loss and loneliness. When will it end? I don't know how I'm going to keep living like this and I don't know how to change it.